Arians

Do you believe in zodiac signs? Personally, I find it hard to understand in which way the stars and the planets may influence our lives. And yet I must admit that I always turn to the horoscopes to ease my insane curiosity when I read the newspaper.

As per my birthdate -9/11- I’m an ordinary Virgo. I’m eager to be useful. I’m selfless and dedicated. I’m thorough, efficient and perfectionistic. I do favours and fuss over things. I attend to the tasks that nobody notices and take care of the smallest details of life. That’s my way of showing love and affection to those I care about.

On the other hand, I can be analytical; critical; fussy; nit-picking; nagging; hair-splitting and incessantly unsatisfied. I can even drive people mad with my pickiness too. But hard as I am on others, I’m even harder on myself.

This is what most astrology manuals say about Virgo. And in my case, the description matches reality fairly well.

Let’s swap to another zodiac sign now. Has anyone ever had to deal with an Aries? I’ve started doing it recently: Ed was born on 4/10. Let me lift the veil about his age: beyond his gorgeous fortysomething appearance (or quadragenarian, if you prefer; but he hates that word), there’s a man who has lived for almost three centuries and suffered great hardships in his life.

As a typical Arian, Ed is a man who achieves a lot and goes directly for his goals. He can develop a kind of tunnel vision where he sees nothing else but what he wants. I never saw anyone struggle so hard to foster his initiatives and obtain success: he’s the architect of his own fortune.

Wanna see an Arian in action? If so, make yourself at home and keep reading:

After my ordeal at the Police Station in Mawi-Mawi City, Moebius Hax took me back to the Majestic Hotel. Frank Furter -the hotel receptionist- escorted me to Ed’s room.

- Mr Davies welcomes you to the King’s Suite, Ms Qinan. –he said-

When Frank Furter locked the door behind me I couldn’t help but wow, fascinated by the luxury lounge. The King’s Suite… no more, no less. I stood in the middle of the room, still captivated by the rich decoration, when I heard Ed call me:

- Come in, sweety.

The bedroom door was slightly ajar. I pushed it slowly. His voice came from the bathroom.

- Come in, Leni. I’m having a hot bath.

I opened the door to the bathroom and came in. He looked at me, gave me a smirk and asked ironically:

- So Leni… have you finished playing dungeons and dragons yet?

Odd moments of silence followed. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know what to answer. He got up and out of the bathtub, put his bathrobe on and walked towards the room. I followed him quietly.

He lit a cigarette. Then, he removed the bathrobe, flopped down on the bed stark naked and calmly blew some smoke rings as he looked at the ceiling.

- Do you still want to explain why were you having a topless picnic at the beach with Mr. Arsehole Man? –he asked coldly, with a low voice-

Arians are possessive as vipers and extremely jealous. I knew the evil guy in him would try to give me a third degree about Bob, the likes of which would make the Spanish Inquisition look like a tea party. It was actually pretty obvious to me that he was hopping mad.

- Sure –I said, looking down as I sat on the end of the bed-
- Then… I’m all ears, darling. –he said, suddenly sitting up and staring at me with a defiant look on his face-

Arians have a flashpoint temper. They fire off real fast when they get angry. But fortunately, they calm down quickly. Their seductive romantic soul helps them bring out the erotic side of a fight.

- Ed… first of all, let me thank you for all you’ve done for me. Especially for flying here so soon. That was just awesome. If not for you, I’d still be locked up in that cell. –I said, giving him a shy smile-

He really needed to be told that he was the best. A bit of ego-soothing would do him good. He could take infinite amounts of flattering. And I was ready to display the deft touch of a seasoned diplomat in order to reach a peaceful settlement, whatever it took.

- I reckon it was not very wise to have that picnic at the beach, but I never meant to hurt you. –I said, reaching out to touch his hand-
- Hurt me? Why should I feel hurt? –he spat at me, withdrawing his hand-.

Cynical, impulsive and impatient as a child on Christmas morning, my ardent self-centered lover was becoming very inquisitive, demanding an answer from me. He wanted what he wanted NOW. And the last thing I meant to do was to get him angry or heartbroken.

- Maybe because you gave me this at the airport. –I said, showing him the diamond ring-
- Hm… that was… just a gift. –he said, pretending it was not important-
- What a shame. I thought that meant something to you, because it means a lot to me.

Arians can’t resist challenges and they enjoy the fight. But don’t expect them to read your mind: they generally assume that you like the fight too. The bad news is you have to let them win –but you’ve got to be a good opponent instead of holding still like a punching-ball, ‘cause they’re not dumb- or you’ll end up making war instead of love.

- I know it’s quite unethical, but I wanted to know what your reaction was when you saw the ring, so I asked him to spy on you for a while –he said-.
- Why did you ask him to do that? –I said, puzzled-
- Because I needed to find out if your love is true.

Ed and his unorthodox methods. I didn’t like the idea of having been spied on, but what he said really touched me. I laid on my tummy beside him and stared into his eyes.

- Oh, I see. And what did Moebius say when he reported back to you?
- He said that you were not greedy for diamonds; rather more interested in the sentiments behind the ring.
- True. That’s what I said. Were you happy with the answer, sir? – I giggled-
- More than happy. You’re the sunshine of my life after many years of darkness, Leni. And I don’t want to lose you. –he said, slightly blushing-

That sudden dash of shyness and insecurity touched my heart. I was overwhelmed with tenderness for him.

- What makes you thing you’re gonna get rid of me so easily? –I said-

That night he fell asleep into my arms with a smile on his face. Our latest ups and downs had left him exhausted.

Astrology manuals state that Arian men simply don’t get along with Virgo women; apparently Ed’s colourful personality will never match my tidy and orderly lifestyle; and my sharp criticism will definitely kill his tousled ego.

But when I try to behave myself and he manages to turn down a bit the intensity of his fire to a limit bearable for the rest of humble mortals… life becomes unbelievably beautiful.

"Nothing else matters" (Metallica)

Happy day of lovers and readers

I’ve been tagged by my dear friend Moonlover to talk about myself.

I’m shy about it and you know me a bit already, but I accepted to write down a list of 7 character features:

1-Generous. Too much.
2-Sentimental. Like hell.
3-Touchy. Overly sensitive.
4-Creative. I disappear in Dreamland when things don’t look good in real life.
5-Antsy-pants. My mind never stops working and I never stop moving.
6-Stubborn. As a mule, if necessary.
7-Naughty. Just natural; but not as much as to end up dancing naked on the table.

I won’t tag anyone this time, but I encourage those who are willing, to answer these questions in your blogs or in your minds. It's a good exercise of self-knowledge.

PS.- To everybody, and especially those who celebrate St. George's Day, the 23rd of april rose tradition, and honor Shakespeare and Cervantes, have a very nice day.

Public scandals (II)

Obviously, when you get to be an adult and you have a problem, you don't want to call mom and say “Help me”. But in my situation –arrested in a foreign country, half naked and locked up in a cell- I didn’t hesitate to call Ed.

- Ed. I’m in trouble. I need your help. –I said, nervously-.
- What’s the matter, sweety? –he asked, very alarmed-
- I’ve been arrested in Mawi-Mawi for going topless at the beach and they won’t set me free unless someone bails me out.

He interrupted me, very concerned.

- Stop. Is it forbidden to go topless on Mawi-Mawian beaches? –he asked-
- Yes. There’s a Government Act that bans women sunbathing topless.
- I see. Didn’t they inform you about it before they arrested you?
- Oh yes, they did. They even gave me the chance of getting dressed voluntarily, but I had a fit of histerics and the cops handcuffed me tight. Then, they filed a formal complaint and took me to the station. I’m now locked up in a cell and very scared, Ed.

He sighed.

- Leni, don’t panic. It won’t help. –he said-
- There’s more.
- Oh my. Shoot.
- I know it sounds weird, but I accidentally met Bob here. He was with me when I was arrested. He complained when the cops handcuffed me, and they arrested him too.

He didn’t utter a word. The police agent who let me phone hit the wall with his truncheon, meaning I was running out of time and the conversation should finish on the spot.

- I met him by accident, Ed. We were having a picnic at the beach but I’m not in the least interested in him. Please, believe me.
- You don’t have to explain, Leni. –he said, sadly-
- But I do want to explain!

He sighed deeply again.

- I’m in South Orsinia now, for business. Hold on a bit and I’ll fly to Mawi-Mawi immediately. It will take me around two hours. And if you still insist on explaining the situation, you’ll be able to do that when we meet. –he said, ironically-

And he put the telephone down without even saying goodbye. I knew he was mad with jealousy but he was doing his best to hide it stolidly.

I hung up the phone. I was escorted to my cell and locked again.

- Are you ready to get a free orange jumpsuit from the Mawi-Mawian State, shorty? Don’t expect your Ed to take us out of here –said Bob from the cell next to mine-
- Oh shut up! He will take us out of here real soon. –I said, sick with fear-

Not even twenty minutes had passed, when I saw something that left me stupefied: the Police Inspector and Moebius Hax entered the corridor followed by two mysterious young ladies carrying briefcases.

The Police Inspector spoke to the agent who had allowed me to phone. After their short conversation, the cop remained laid-back, slowly took his bunch of keys, shuffled along the corridor and opened the door to my cell.

- You’re out of the pokey, missy. –he said-

I couldn’t believe I was free. The air outside seemed sweeter, much fresher. Moebius approached me.

- Hello again, Leni. –he said-
- Hello Moe. What brings you here? –I asked-

Actually, he seemed to be everywhere. I had seen him in the plane; at the bar where I was having a drink with Bob; at the amusement park; and again at the police station. That was a most strange coincidence.

He smirked.

- I’m here on behalf of Ed Davies. He’s flying to Mawi-Mawi. You and Mr. Gausmann will be now released on bail, and after some minor arrangements, you will be cordially invited to leave the country tomorrow.

Had I heard that right? Was I going to be expelled from Mawi-Mawi for going topless on the beach? This is how I knew that my wonderful spring holidays were over.

- My assistants have brought some clothes for you. –said Moebius-

I looked at myself. I felt ridiculous and completely exposed showing my buttcheeks under Bob’s huge t-shirt. One of the assistants opened her briefcase. It contained a beautiful pink dress, pink shoes and a small vanity bag. I got dressed up in the public restrooms and then met Moe, Bob and the assistants at the lobby.

The old cop gave me a plastic bag with all my belongings: my small handbag, my beach wrap… and the most important thing: the diamond ring that Ed had given me.

- So you’re not a jeweler –I said to Moebius, showing him the ring-
- No. I’m not a jeweler, but an attorney general. I represent Ed’s interests in this country. He will meet you at your hotel in one hour. –he said, looking at his watch-

Then, he added:

- By the way, the ring is not fake. It’s an excellent diamond set on the purest white gold ring; Ed ordered it especially for you to the best jeweller in Orsinia.
- I told you I didn’t really mind whether it was true or fake, but why did you lie to me?
- You’d better ask Ed about it.

I had the feeling that Ed had sent Moebius to keep an eye on me. I needed to clear things up with him.

A black Jaguar was waiting for us on Mainstreet.

- Can I say goodbye to my friend before we leave?
- Of course you can. I’ll wait for you in the car.

I turned to Bob.

- Bob, I’m afraid I must be going now.
- What a shame that our picnic had this strange end, Len.
- True. –I said, looking down-
- This place is crazy and people here are crazy too. I’ll call you when I’m back in Sandwich. I’d like to see you again.
- Take care with these two. They look like Chucky’s brides –I said, pointing at the assistants-
- Nah… I’m on the verge of convincing them for a threesome.
- Cool. Have fun, then.

The twin assistants giggled when he gave me a peck on the lips and disappeared into his old dirty Jeep Cherokee, as Moebius and I headed to the Majestic Hotel in the Jaguar.

- Following Ed’s instructions, I booked the Queen Suite for you. He will take you back to Sandwich in his private jet.

I can’t remember if I have ever mentioned that Ed was a control freak. He used to plan things carefully beforehand and never left anything to improvisation. And he loved to make star appearances, just like Hellgirl and the rest of supernaturals. It was good for his seductive superego.

So when I opened the door to the Queen Suite… he was already there, having a hot bath, enjoying a cigarette and drinking a glass of bourbon.

He stared at me and asked, phlegmatically:

- Have you finished playing dungeons and dragons yet, Leni?

Vintage pin ups

Some days ago I found by accident in Google this beautiful picture of Lillian Bond –an English actress of the 20s- taken by Alfred Cheney Johnston (1885-1971).

He photographed famous actresses –among them, Paulette Goddard, Gloria Swanson, Norma Shearer and Mary Pickford- and was the official photographer of the Ziegfield Follies.

He had the special talent of using cleverly fascinating materials like shawls, evening gowns, wraps, satin, velvet and all kinds of drapery. His photographs are loaded with glamour, elegance, mystery and sensuality.

Alfred Cheney Johnston had a very lucrative career with the Follies until the stock market crash of 1929. Ziegfeld lost all of his money and later died in 1932 as a result of the strain. Johnston continued to work commercially in NYC, but his photographic style fell out of fashion.

In the 1960's, he attempted to donate his entire studio and his photographic work to various organizations in NYC and Washington DC but no one was interested or able to store it.

Luckily, nowadays he is considered one of the best photographers of these days, and the thousands of portraits he took from a faded era which had made him famous, still look fresh and awesome.

Public scandals (I)

- Let me take one more picture of you with the cows, Len. Otherwise, everybody will think that you bought postcards instead of going on holidays –he said-

I posed and smiled for the camera.

After our visit to the amusement park and my mysterious encounter with Moebius Hax, Bob followed me to the hotel like a lost puppy. He wouldn’t leave me alone. The funny thing is that when we were together, he would disappear for weeks without a trace, leaving me in a distressing state of utter confusion.

I was puzzled by the amount of weird events happening these days. But for the time being, since I first met Hellgirl that was the story of my life.

- Do you have plans for tonight, Len? –he asked me, at the hotel entrance-

I would have answered that the Prince of Persia was going to take me to the Babylon Gardens on his magic carpet, but I knew it wouldn’t wash.

- No, not so far –I said-.
- Would you like to have a picnic tonight at the beach? –he asked, suddenly-.

I was not completely sure whether it was wise to accept the invitation or not, but I accepted. Don’t ask me why.

- Sure I would.
- Excellent. Bring your bikini then. I’ll buy the dinner.
- What’s on the menu? –I asked-

I was sure as eggs is eggs that our night picnic would consist of fries and roast chicken, as usual.

- Surprise, shorty. You’ll just love it. I’ll pick you up at 7pm. Is that ok with you?
- That’s cool.

That evening, at the agreed hour, I received a phone call in my room.

- Miss Qinan, this is Frank Furter from the hotel reception desk. Mr. Robert Gausmann is waiting for you in his car, in front of the main entrance.
- Oh, thank you very much, Frank. I’ll be right there in a minute.

I went downstairs. Bob had double parked his dirty old Jeep Cherokee and was waiting for me inside.

- Hi Len! Come into the car! I washed it in your honour! –he shouted, waving hello from the jeep-

He was not a pig, honest; rather quite the contrary. But his car often looked like a pigsty, just because he was too lazy to clean it. And this time it was as white as snow.

Bob drove fast to the beach, as he told me about his work projects. He stopped the car by a beautiful cove and took a picnic basket from the trunk. It smelled of roast chicken and fries, just as I predicted. But I was starving, and hunger is the best sauce, so I didn’t turn my nose up at the monotonous menu.

- Let’s have a bath before dinner –he said-.

It was getting dark, and yet it was awfully hot. I removed my clothes and walked to the water, dressed in my old black G-string.

- WOW Len... you look real hot in that tiny string! -said Bob, looking a bit surprised-

Suddenly, I heard a police whistle. Two police officers appeared from out of the blue and surrounded me.

- What’s the matter, agents? –I asked, a bit alarmed-
- Excuse me, madam. It is strictly forbidden to topless or use improper bath suits in this island. –answered the oldest cop-
- Ha! Who says that? –I asked, cupping my boobs in a hand bra pose-
- The Public Scandals Act, recently approved by the Parliament. –answered the youngest-

Bob laughed and clapped.

- I’m a Sandwichian citizen. –I declared, very solemnly-
- Mawi-Mawian laws not only apply to the natives, but also to the strangers who sojourn in this country. May I have your identification card, please? -he said, smirking-
- No, you may not! And by the way, how can I tell you’re a real cop instead of a fake in a flamboyant disguise? Can I see your warrant card?

- Sure, madam. –he said, sighing deep-

He handed me his badge.

- Ok, Officer Doe… let me tell you that your Public Scandals Act is completely old fashioned and that it has been written by reactionary legislators. This is not your fault, of course. By the way… Did I get it right? is 'Dill Doe' your real name? –I asked, cracking up with laughter-

Obviously, he got angry.

- Ok madam… In light of your continued attitude of rebelliousness and non compliance, I’m afraid you’ll have to dress up and join us to the police station.

Bob got closer to Agent Doe and whispered in his ear:

- Listen dude, if you give me five minutes, I guarantee that the lady will get dressed, provided that this unfortunate incident is passed over, ok? –stepped in Bob-

The policeman nodded and stepped back. Then, Bob grabbed my right arm and took me aside.

- Are you crazy, Len? Put your top on immediately or these guys will take you to the police station and screw up our picnic. And don’t laugh at that guy’s name, for fuck’s sake –he whispered, removing his t-shirt and covering my naked torso with it-
- I can’t help it! Everybody over here has strange or laughable names!
- I know you can’t help laughing, but he’s getting really pissed off!
- Hey, this is stupid. I could understand this situation thirty years ago, but not now. We’re in 2009!
- They’ve caught you in flagrant violation of their law, Len. Please give in or you’ll fuck up!
- No way! I won’t!

Don't misunderstand me. I’m neither a lawbreaker nor a transgressor, but I must admit I’m a bit stubborn sometimes. And the more persistence I feel on the other side, the more pig-headed I get. I can’t help it.

The old cop lost his patience and handcuffed me. He pushed me against the police car and then read my legal rights and entitlements on arrest:

- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney during interrogation; if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you.
- Come on dude, are you Starsky or Hutch?

Agent Dill Doe, very upset, tightened my handcuffs until I shouted with pain. Bob got really angry at him and complained about the treatment I was receiving.

- Hey guys, take it easy, ok? She’s not a terrorist! –he said, pushing them-

He was hit with a truncheon and handcuffed too. Then we were both forced into the car and driven to the centre of Mawi-Mawi City, where we were locked up in a cell.

- Hey dude! The law entitles me to make a phone call, right?
- Right ma’am.
- Could I have a telephone then, please?

The agent opened the cell and allowed me to use the nearest land line. Imagine the scene: me walking down the corridor, barefoot, only dressed with Bob’s t-shirt -ten sizes bigger than mine- and my ridiculously tiny G-string.

And guess whose number I dialled.

"Help" (Bananarama)

Happy Easter, wherever you are

I'll be out until sunday, but the blogging never stops.
Don't forget to have a big slice of...

"Watermelon in Easter Hay" (Frank Zappa) (Live in Barcelona, 1988)

Magical Mistery Park

Do you think it’s possible to keep a cordial relationship with your ex? My experience tells me it’s not always easy.

Bob Gausmann and I dated only four months, but he left his mark on me. When we met, intense sparks flew immediately. He was very reluctant to get involved, but my persistent attempts resulted in a hesitant romance, followed by a torrid affair. Nevertheless, we made a serious calculation error: he was emotionally cold and I was emotionally hot. So our most unusual kind of partnership could never reach mad passion.

We had memorable moments together, but surviving them involved a massive amount of adjustments, and keeping the flame alive became an uphill task for me. It was easy to anticipate that we were doomed to disaster. And yet we had a lot of fun until that day arrived.

So back to the streets of Mawi-Mawi City, where Bob had incited four strangers to catch me… when I finally could let go of their tight grip, I heard him shout:

- Len!!!
- Bob!!! –I said, smiling at him-

I was happy to see him. I rushed to give him a long, loving hug.

- Sorry for having asked these people to stop you, but you were already going and I wanted to see you. –he apologized-
- Hello, silly. I’m glad that you asked them to stop me.
- Aww… do you still give these hugs of yours that last about half an hour?–he laughed-.

Yes, he was always so romantic and sensitive. After our long hug, there were some seconds of silence, during which we stared shyly at each other and smiled. We walked to an outdoor bar where we had a drink and went down memory lane.

- Jeez, Len, I had almost forgotten how beautiful you are…

I must admit that I was quite shocked. He had never complimented me that much in the past. A neon sign over the door of a nearby shop displayed the following message in huge red capital letters: ‘He just wants to have sex with you till you loose all control and can't see straight’.

I jumped with fright. And guess what: sitting at the table next to ours was that Moebius Hax, the jeweller I had met in the plane; the one who said Ed’s diamond ring was false. He was quietly reading the newspaper, his sun glasses on, pretending he hadn’t seen me. It was a very small island, but… wasn't it a weird coincidence?

- What brings you to Mawi-Mawi, Len? –asked Bob-
- I’m spending my spring holidays here. Actually, I’ve lied to Big Cheese and almost escaped from Ed to have some days off on my own.
- Excellent. Definitely. Fuck the two assholes! I really hope you enjoy the beach and the natural wonders of this beautiful island. And talking about assholes… are you still going out with Mr. Wanker?

I was expecting that question, but not in such a rude manner of speaking.

Mr. Wanker. This is how Bob called Ed. Of course he didn’t know that Ed referred to him as "the big twat", or he would have killed him with his own hands. So they were even.

Life is hard when two alpha males challenge each other continuously for the same female. But the law of the jungle applies to all, even in the city: survival of the strongest and victory of the cleverest.

- I don’t know whom you’re talking about, Bob.

Bob laughed loud.

- I’m talking about Ed Davies, Len. Does that name ring a bell? –he asked, sarcastically-
- I won’t have you speak to me like that. –I answered, very annoyed-

I got up and took my handbag with anger, but he gently took my hand.

- I’m sorry; Len. I lost it. Please don’t go. –he said-

I sat down again.

- I accept your apologies and will ignore your comment. But please, don’t mention him again; least of all designedly employing such derogatory remarks, ok?
- Ok –he said, looking down-.
- Then… let’s continue our conversation. What about you? Tell me… are you seeing someone now?
- Not since you left me. –he said, staring into my eyes-

It was pretty obvious that he hadn’t got over it. His words sounded devastating. He made me feel guilty and sad. I looked the other way and decided it was already time to change the subject.

- Tell me, Bob… how’s life treating you? How are your construction projects going?
- I get by. I have founded my own architect studio.
- WOW, that’s great! And what are you doing here now?
- I’m building an amusement park.
- Hey, this is fantastic!
- Yeah… it’s almost finished. Would you like to see it? You could have a free ride at the Ferris wheel, rollercoaster… or visit the Castle of Terror. There are ice-cream and sweet stands and a couple of junk food restaurants open part time. What do you think?

It was tempting. I hesitated, but before I could realise, we were on our way to the Magical Mystery Park, entirely projected and built by Robert Gausmann & Partners for the Mawi-Mawi City Council.

And yes, we visited the Castle of Horror… (hence, my horror face).

And had a ride on the Ferris wheel, also. Unfortunately, as it turned, gears grinded and screeched as if someone had stuck a wedge between the spokes of a child's bicycle, until we got stuck on top for about one hour.

- Don’t be scared, Len. They’ll take us out of here soon.
- I’m not scared. I’m just afraid of heights.

He sat closer to me and slowly, very slowly, put his arms around me to calm me down.

- Don’t look down, baby. Everything will be all right.

I closed my eyes and held him tightly. We stood still until the wheel started moving again and ten minutes later we were safe and sound on solid ground. And I promise it was not intended to rhyme.

When I dared look around, I got the fright of my life: Moebius Hax was taking pictures of us!

- Hey, what are you doing? –I asked, very alarmed-

But he just put his pointer finger to his mouth and said "Shhh..." before he slowly faded away, leaving only an enigmatic Cheshire cat’s smile hanging in the air.

"Mad world" (Gary Jules)

Ladies, may I have your attention, please?

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