RIP Big Cheese

I left Leonard’s Royal Penthouse Suite and walked back home, after having unveiled Demonious’ intentions of blackmailing and extorting Leonard. I definitely refused to partake in something so wicked.

On my way home, I was shocked to see in a news stand Big Cheese’s photograph under the captions of “The Sandwichian Chronicle”.

The headline read:

“TOP EXECUTIVE GETS FIRED FROM PHILANTROPIC CORPORATION"

I immediately bought it to read the surprising news.

“Corruption accusations against Harry Balls, general manager of the Dumbass Industries until yesterday, ended up in his devastating dismissal, demanded unanimously by the company Board of Directors. Balls has been indicted on corruption charges that have led to his professional ruin. The former top executive of the Dumbass Industries will face charges of fraud, obstruction of justice and lying to judge Handgun, who leads the investigations. Information from reliable sources state that Balls could face over ten years in prison for the above mentioned accusations, which he claims to be calumnies…”

Oh man… so Big Cheese was in Big Shit now, swelling unemployment ranks, just like me!

“The harder they come, the harder they fall” sang Jimmy Cliff.

When I realised his reign of terror was finally over, I danced like a monkey and clapped hands in the street. The Unions would be celebrating as well, to be sure. And yet, his loyals would continue to think that there was a black hand devising a secret plot against him.

I just couldn’t resist taking my cell phone and dialling his number in a fit of rage.

- Hey. Harry. –I said-
- Hey. Q. –he said-
- I’ve read the news. Did you like the taste of your own medicine?
- Q… what the fuck???
- Tell me, have you lost your virginity now? Go fuck yourself!!!

What a sad end to a story of loyalty and honesty that started ten years ago. It was the 28th of august 1999 and I had a job interview with him at the Dumbass Industries headquarters.

I was half an hour early. He was half an hour late, as usual. Unpunctuality was one of his outstanding characteristics, together with unpredictability, tyranny, arbitrariness and that invisible harmful dash of cruelty. But I didn’t know that yet.

I can still see myself sitting on a black leather sofa, in the waiting room, on the sixteenth floor of the Dumbass Industries’ main building. I had carefully chosen my best outfit: a white shirt, black designer’s miniskirt and high heeled red shoes. I carried my wallet and keys in the big Valentino handbag that I reserved for special occasions. During the long wait, I suddenly spotted a run down the front of my left stocking and panicked.

Half an hour later, an old secretary announced that Mr Balls had finished his meeting with the Chairman and would see me right away.

Bullshit. He hadn't met the Chairman. The sod had stood me up for half an hour, only to show me who was THE BOSS.

I entered his office and he kindly offered me a seat. He slowly read my curriculum vitae and asked me to tell him about my professional track record in detail.

I described my first job as a trainee at the Orsinian Telecomms Company; my second job, also as a trainee, at the Zantlander Engineering Corporation and then my last job at the Bank of Zeewland, where I was working as a financial analyst for the moment.

There I had a lazy boss who overworked me every morning with all the things he didn’t feel like doing, but I never complained about it. It was a nice job. I travelled, home and abroad. I had learned a lot. My colleagues were nice.

- So tell me… what’s the reason why you’re looking for a new job? –he asked me-
- I’d like to advance my career and have a better salary, sir. –I answered, naively-

He stared at me and his eyes glowed like a bright crimson red, as if he was about to shoot me with his laser beam eyes. He looked… demonish.

- Miss Qinan, your cv is excellent. Your academic background is impressive. And you’re fluent in four languages too.
- Thank you, sir. I’m Sandwichian by birth and of Italian descent. I learned English as my second language and attended a Zantlander school. That's why I'm quadrilingual. -I explained-

His eyes glowed again and he took a deep breath.

- We’re interviewing several candidates for this position, Miss Qinan. So don’t be discouraged if we don’t call you for a second interview: in all honesty, the competition is fierce. If you’re discarded, I’m sure you will find a good job real soon.

That strange comment sounded to me very much like ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you’. So if you’d ask me, yes, I was totally discouraged and convinced that I had been definitely discarded. We shook hands and I left, thinking that I would never hear from him again.

But I was wrong: One month later, when I had lost all hope, the Human Resources Manager of the Dumbass Industries phoned me for that second interview and offered me the job. It was very well paid. I would have many responsibilities and a lot of power in the company. I would be promoted immediately if I proved I was worthy. Of course, I accepted.

That day I was not aware that my professional future would be an ordeal that would take my health away and make me fall to pieces a few times: Overtime. Rants. Being shouted at. Stress. Pressure. Fear.

Harry Balls knew very well how to scare the hell out of his employees to squeeze them dry. He never hesitated when it came to infamously sack a worker, whether it was a senior manager or a junior clerk.

He had a few enemies and everybody hated him, myself included.

He never worked, rather brilliantly mastered the fine arts of delegation as he played minesweeper, solitary and pinball in the three monitors on his computer desk.

“It’s not me who works for you, Q, but you who work for me”, he would go when I’d turn to him if I’d get into difficulty.

He paid well, but the price was too high.

I hunted for a new job several times, but none of the head hunters that interviewed me ever called me again when they knew that I was working for him. I was always eliminated from the list of candidates. So I had to accept that my professional fate was dead sure stuck to his.

So RIP Big Cheese. I wouldn't miss him. As the Union guy said,

What goes around comes around.
You have to sleep in the bed you make.
He who ives by the sword, dies by the sword.
You do the crime, you do the time.

It was time for me to make a radical change in my life. I couldn’t go on averting my gaze when I came across old colleagues, stealing food from the supermarket, tearing to pieces the eviction notices I had received, or giving the slip to the Tax Collector’s Office. My face would be soon well known among the most famous tax evaders in Sandwich and the rest of the southern hemisphere.

And suddenly I had this great idea: I would disappear and start a new life somewhere, seeking complete anonimity. I took my backpack, put some money and clothes inside and headed to the Grytviken harbour.

So there would be no more Hellgirls, Demonious Highs, Leonard Ellisons or Harry Balls. Too bad that there would be no more Ed Davies either. Or at least that was what I presumed.


Berlin ‘Barclay James Harvest’

How I almost became a two-bit criminal

After my lurid story with Leonard Ellison, I rushed home and had a long hot shower, feeling dirty and sick. I couldn’t sleep a wink that night, just thinking of the politest way to resign from my escort job, before I discreetly disappeared from the scene.

In all honesty, I was not the best candidate to entertain anyone ‘to the fullest extent possible’, as it was written in my employment contract; least of all, would I do that for a bunch of bored business guys looking for free kinky entertainment after their important working meetings. So Demonius High’s VIP clients should have to find themselves another nice girl of easy virtue.

But even though Demonious was a Hell minion and not exactly my favourite person, I didn’t want to betray him or take French leave. So I decided to speak to him, in order to dissolve our association. He answered my phone call very enthusiastically:

- How did it go last night with Leonard, Leni?

The right answer to his question was ‘I couldn’t possibly imagine that your best client would be as revolting as a slimy puddle of dog’s vomit, so I had to give him two sleeping pills to neutralize the effect of the two Viagras he had swallowed to shag me until I’d get sore’. But I didn’t want to sound rude; so instead of answering that, I preferred to keep my mouth firmly shut and just said:

- It was fine, Dem. But let me keep the secret to myself.

And then he said something that shocked me big time:

- Oh, you’re so cute and discreet, Leni! I’m glad to hear that everything went fine, because tonight you’ll have an extra task to perform.

What now? Would I have to shag Leonard’s driver too?

- Well, the truth is… I wanted to speak to you about the job, Dem… -I said-
- Listen, Leni. This is very important: I’m going to leave a small parcel for you at Leonard's hotel's reception desk, containing a micro camera hidden in a wristwatch. You will wear it and take detailed pictures of him while you two have sex when he doesn’t notice. –he said, interrupting me, not even noticing that I was talking-
- Aaah. -I said, in shock- And what’s the purpose of these pics?
- We need them for our files, honey. That’s all you need to know about them. You will receive a very generous tip, of course.

Oh my, now we were having a stolen photo session and I was going to become a two-bit criminal. I was totally sure that Demonious would use the pictures to blackmail Leonard. And what did I care? He was an asshole too.

But I didn’t want to participate in stuff like that. Besides, whatever the generous tip would amount to, I was wondering how could I possibly take a picture of that guy while having sex with him in such a way that he wouldn't notice.

- Leonard phoned me this morning. He has taken a shine to you, Leni. He wants to meet you again tonight at 8pm in his hotel suite, for a private dinner. Don’t forget to pick up the camera at the reception desk before you meet him. –said Demonius before he put the telephone down-.

That was great news: we were having another private party. That meant Leonard hadn’t kicked the bucket yet, in spite of the Viagra and sleeping pill cocktail overdose.

And on top of it, Demonius didn’t even let me speak when I tried to tell him that I intended to quit the job.

It was definitely the end of the deal. I had to speak to Leonard and unveil the truth about the bloody micro camera. Then, I would disappear forever.

This time I was not going to get all dolled up to look like a modern pin-up girl.

At 7pm I put a white blouse, black cardigan, jeans and trainers on, put my hair up in a ponytail, took my backpack and walked to the most luxurious and sophisticated hotel in Grytviken: The Sandwichian Crown. It had been built in the 80s with the finest designs and materials and pricelessly marketed abroad by the King of the South Sandwich Islands himself. That was Leonard’s hotel.

At 8pm I announced to one of the receptionists:

- My name is Leni Qinan. Mr. Leonard Ellison is waiting for me.

As soon as she heard that name, the girl rushed to the phone, dialed a number and whispered a few words. When she came back to the reception desk, she whispered:

- Miss Qinan, this is for you. –she said, handing me a small box-. Mr. Ellison is waiting for you at the Royal Penthouse Suite on the tenth floor.

I opened the box. There was a wristwatch inside and a note from Demonious saying: “Just press the side button to activate the micro camera and take as many snapshots as possible”.

I took the long and cruel road to the slaughterhouse, from the elevator to the tenth floor. I walked along the corridor towards the door to the Royal Penthouse Suite.

I knocked at the door and a maid opened it. The suite looked impressively stylish and comfortable. It had an awesome view of the bay.

- If you’ll please follow me to the parlour, Miss Qinan, Mr Ellison would like a word with you. –said the maid-

I nodded and followed her. Leonard was sitting on a sofa, in a maroon dressing gown, reading a newspaper.

- Good evening Leonard, nice to see you again.
- The pleasure is all mine! –he said-. You’re so hot tonight with that naughty schoolgirl look!

Gosh, this guy was impossible. I did my best to look unattractive and yet he looked at me through rose-tinted spectacles. It was pretty obvious that he didn’t remember anything that happened the night before.

- Leonard, I have something important to tell you. –I said, serious-.
- Uh oh. Tell me what is it, sweety.
- Demonius is betraying you.

He stared at me and laughed loud.

- Why would he do that?
- Maybe to extort money from you?
- I trust him completely.
- Would you put your hand in the fire for him?

He hesitated. I could see the shadow of a doubt there.

- Surely not. But why should I believe you? -he asked-
- You’re right: Why should you believe me if I said to you that Demonious gave me this wristwatch with a hidden micro camera inside and detailed instructions about taking pictures of you while we're having sex? –I said, as I got up and started walking towards the door-.
- Not so fast. –he said, grabbing my arm-. What’s the matter?
- You heard me –I answered-. Would you like to see the evidence of what I just said? There you go –I said, throwing the wristwatch and the note on the table-.

He took it and watched it carefully. He looked puzzled and a bit skeptical.

- You still don’t believe me? Dude, your underdeveloped mosquito brain should be kept in a specimen jar floating into a vitriolic solution, with a label saying: ‘Kick my ass’. See what happens when you’re filthy rich and you hire an unscrupulous lawyer, Leonard?

Then I ran away. I ran outside as fast as I could and didn’t stop until I got home. I was so afraid.

Demonious would soon know that I had unveiled his secrets.

Hellgirl would soon find out that I had betrayed his beloved friend.

And last, but not least, Leonard the Great would soon realise that he had made a deplorable fool of himself by blindly trusting a dodgy lawyer and hiring an opportunistic unemployed woman in disguise, eager to make easy money at his expense. Someday he would even discover that she could have very well led him to join the eternal sleep, poisoning him with her red pills.

I knew they wouldn't let me go just like that.



"Let it be me" (Ray Lamontagne)