SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Of men, bitches and roast chicken

Bitches at work make me bitchy.

It was 6PM at Dumbass Street and I was having this nice conversation with my colleague from Big Shot’s Cabinet:

- When are you gonna fucking send me the draft I asked for this morning? –she asked-

Let me introduce you to the bitch from hell: Named Lizzie. Referred to as Big Shot’s Chief of Staff. Colleague lawyer. Tall. Looks a bit like the redhair at left. Absolute winner in the women’s lib struggle. Merciless professional executor of those who wouldn’t follow her, and therefore potential candidates to be professionally dead. Men predator. Favourite pastimes: cultivating obstinacy and deriving enjoyment from being difficult. Oh, and I almost forgot the most important thing: she's a master in the fine art of delegating.

I didn’t bat an eyelash when she shouted at me. She asked me to write a rough draft for Big Shot’s Tuesday’s speech at a businessmen and philantropists summit, including the most outstanding figures and achievements of the company. Still more than one week to go, but she wanted to cover her ass.

Speeches take some time. They need to be written very thoroughly; otherwise the speaker may sound like a real twat.

- If I don’t have the draft in my inbox in two hours, you’re sacked. –she said, with a threatening voice-
- You can’t sack me. –I chuckled, pretending to sound unperturbed-
- Oh yes, I can. And I can sack your Big Cheese as well.

She could very well hoodwink Big Shot to do that. The lady didn’t dare to kick Big Cheese’s ass, but she dared to take me on. Things were not looking good. I got pretty worked up but tried to keep my cool.

- Hey, chill out, ok? We’re double-checking everything. So no need to put more pressure on that. –I said-
- Don’t give me the details of your miserable life and tell your people to move their ass. I’m fucking sick and tired with you guys. It always takes you eons to do what you gotta do. And when you fuck up it’s the Chairman who has to take the blame for your mistakes.

And she hung up on me, leaving me dumbfounded. I needed to shout and let off steam.

“BITCH!!! JUST BECAUSE YOUR HEAD IS POINTED, THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE SHARP!!! EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO BE STUPID, BUT YOU’RE ABUSING THAT PRIVILEGE!!! PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BREED!!!” -I shouted, as if she could hear me-

The door opened and Big Cheese popped in. I forgot he was there. I wished the earth would have swallowed me up on the spot.

- What happens? –he asked, coldly-
- Nothing. –I answered, red as a beetroot-
- I heard you shout. What happens?

He knew very well what happened. These rants were not new. I didn’t want to be a big headache, but that time she had gone too far. I told him about that last conversation, almost in tears. He laughed loud when he heard the story.

- I can't stand that anymore! I quit! –I cried-
- Don’t be silly. –he said-
- I quit! That stupid cow said I have to report to her, not to you! She’s been thrashing me every single day since you and the chairman were travelling in South Orsinia!

Big Cheese laughed again. In all honesty, I didn’t find it that funny.

- She said she would sack the two of us! What do you think? –I asked in desperation-

He laughed even louder.

- She needs a good shag; trouble is no man will go near her with her bad temper. -he said-.

Have I already said Big Cheese is coarse, offensive and very politically incorrect? And he swears a lot.

- Let her dream on. –he said, very calm-
- I won’t speak to her again. I quit! –I bursted out crying-
- No you won’t! –he shouted, thumping the table with his fist-

Big Cheese looked at me quietly. We had known each other for more than ten years and it was the first time he saw me crying. I had always been his right-hand person and stood up for him with extreme loyalty. I never complained when I had to take the hit for him, but this time it was immoderate.

- Q, go home. You worked enough today. –he said, calmly-
- No way! I’m almost done with the draft. I’ve been working on it for hours. If I don’t send it to her before I leave, that bitch will slit my throat and I will even have to apologise for getting blood on her shirt!
- Fuck the draft. She will have to wait until tomorrow. Go home. I’ll take care of this.
- I don’t want to give you more things to do.
- I’ll see you tomorrow, Q. Off you go. -he said, pointing at the door-

I’m well known for handling situations gently, firmly and immediately. But this time I failed. I took my handbag and walked to the toilet. I was washing my face in the sink when I saw Hellgirl appear on the other side of the mirror, smoking one of her long thin red cigarettes.

- Hi Leni! –she said, waving hello-
- Gosh, Hellgirl, you gave me the fright of my life! –I shouted-
- Hey hon… it’s just me! I heard the punch-up. Sorry for that. Hm… want me to give that bitch some Shiga toxin… better known as a bad case of the shits?

She made me laugh. I shook my head.

- Nah… she’s not worth the effort. Big Cheese must be talking to her right now and taking her down a peg or two. –I said, feeling a bit better-
- Let’s have some fun then. I heard there’s a hugely glamorous party at the Ritz tonight. Ed Davies is presenting Misty McGwire’s new book. The crème de la crème will be there.
- Is she good, that… Misty? –I asked, putting some lipstick on my lips-
- Yeah, a lot. Chin up! Let’s go!

She jumped off the mirror, pulled my sleeve and we got into my car.

- But I don’t have an invite. –I said-
- Hm… how come Ed hasn’t sent you one? -she asked, very surprised-
- Eew… I don’t know. But I won’t be gatecrashing.

My wild imagination immediately started creating all kinds of betrayals. Like Ed wouldn’t want me to be at the party next to Misty, his supposedly platonic girlfriend, as he confessed to me some days before.

- That won’t be a problem, Leni. –she said-.
- I’m not even dressed for the occasion… -I whined-

It was true. My make-up had disappeared long ago; my face was falling apart; my eye-liner had smudged. My body had recorded ten consecutive hours of work and they were very painful.

But Hellgirl snapped her fingers and a personal invite with my name written on it in golden capital letters appeared on the dashboard. My dark blue jacket and trousers were suddenly replaced with a stunning black silk cocktail mini-dress and beautiful bling high heels. My hairstyle and make-up looked perfect. I smiled, as I watched the metamorphosic process on the rear-view mirror.

The street was packed with limousines and expensive cars. The Ritz was busy with journalists and cameramen, like it had a celebrity magnet inside. The guests entered the lounge until full capacity was reached.

A zillion flash shots were fired when Ed and Misty walked arm in arm into the hall. They looked so good. He took the floor and presented the book; then, he asked her to join him up onto the platform. They held. Kissed. Long. On the lips. Publicly.

I gave a gasp of surprise. A zillion flash shots were fired again.

Ed spotted me from the platform and stared at me. My cell phone went.

- Hey Len! –said Bob, as if nothing had happened since last time we spoke-.
- Do I know you? -I said-
He laughed.

- I thought you had been abducted by the aliens last month. –I said-
- Nah, too much hassle… they know I’m a glutton and need to process some tons of food every day.
- Ok, what is it you want.
- It’s dinner time, baby. Do you wanna go grub, or stay at my place?
- I’d rather starve than eat at your place.
- Cool, bring some roast chicken and chips then. I’ll buy the beers and the ice-cream. We'll have dinner in the park, like hobos.
- Why are you paying no fucking attention to what I’m saying?
- Len, I’d love to meet up. I was just teasing you. Come to my place and I’ll show you some nice pics of my trip to Denmarkland
. –he said, serious-.

I tried to sound a bit sweeter, but couldn't hide I was real cross: I hadn't heard from him for about two months.

- Ok but… why is the menu always the same? We always have roast chicken and chips... –I asked-
- Coz that’s my favourite food, Len. And the best ones are those from Gerasimo's BBQ. –he laughed-
- I’ll sms you to tell you what I do. -I said, shortly-

I put the cellphone down. Looked at Ed; he was sitting next to Misty; they laughed; she whispered into his ear and picked up with her fork some food from his dish!!! I went mad.
I immediately took my cellphone. Clickety-clicked. Texted Bob.
“Will b there in 20min”
"That was fast" -he answered some seconds after-
I got up.

- Where are you going, Leni? –asked Hellgirl-
- I’m leaving. –I answered-
- How so?
- I have seen enough.

I left her behind, talking fascinated to George Clowny, the famous actor.
I walked off to Gerasimo's BBQ in quest of the perfect roast chicken, asking myself why some men love bitches.






"You look so fine" (Garbage)

17 comments:

Grass said...

Awww, i'd like to kick Lizzie for being nasty to you! Don't worry sis. I'm sure Big Cheese has already dealt with her.. funny how she said that she could fire her boss. lol Can she really do that? Or maybe she said that coz she had slept with him? LOL I am thinking Monica Lewinsky..LOL

Hmmm, you did sound jealous over Ed and his favorite-platonic author.. Maybe he was deliberately trying to upset you.. After all, he does seem to like you. And I think you like him too because he gets to you.. I just wonder how you're going to treat Bob over dinner after the debacle at the party and office..

Cheer up sis! :-) If you're tired of roast chicken and chips, try bringing your own food..LOL Bob will probably get the idea.. :D


xxx

Leni Qinan said...

Hey Grass!
Big Cheese has -momentarily- dealt with her, right. That rant actually took place last Thursday and I haven't heard from her yet.
I don't think she can fire him -but could use her influence with Big Shot to do that-. And no, they haven't slept together (he would rather kill himself, lol). BC is a faithful family man, as far as I know.

Yes, I am jealous -that's my horrible nature, sis-. Not that she did anything special to Ed, but the fact that he would put my book aside makes me feel like... eeew.

And Bob, yes. I'm spotting big differences between him and Ed.

Actually, I'm a bit tired of roast chicken and chips, lol. I think I need a different menu, lol.

XXX

max said...

So Bob invites you to his place for dinner and you have to bring the food??? Comeon.

That's crappy. And tell him to change that menu, please.

Take it easy and go for Ed.

PS.- I'd love to see the red haired lady queuing at the unemployment office. I hate these aggressive feminists in their business suits. Eeek.

Nahuatl said...

I wonder why I never see such colleagues! hmmm.. maybe my 'you don't mess with me' looks keep them miles away. hmmm...

Change the menu! Get some cheese and wine.. run away to some hill top.. in the clear night.. while we wonder.. where world disappeared tonight. :)

Everything turns out to be good. No need to cry :)

Leni Qinan said...

Max,

I know, I know. You're a gentleman and you would never ask a lady to buy the dinner. I promise to change the menu next time.

I'm bouncing from Bob to Ed like a ping-pong ball. Who knows where I will be ending.

Unfortunately, the red haired lady is keeping her job and status -well above mine-. But Big Cheese helps constantly. ;)

I agree with you, some women are too agressive and ambitious at work; it's a bad reaction to past discrimination. Both things suck.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Nayan!

You never see such colleagues, lucky guy! You're probably right, I should show her my teeth and try that look of yours. (I can imagine that... lol).

I agree with you about the menu, roast chicken and chips is not romantic -cheese and wine is, for a midnight picnic under the moon and the stars-.

I bet the whole wide world would dissapear in that scenery... :)

hanny said...

Ugh, I could feel your pain about bitch**!!! My boss has a thinking of "i-am-too-smart-too-perfect" and it is ridiculous that we have to deal with an egotistic bitch like her everyday! I have my own rant too, you know:)) Well, hope you are feeling better now and don't give people like them a chance to ruin our lives.

Hrm, I would give Ed a cold shoulder next time, that flirt! lol And what's up with Bob calling and just showing up whenever he wants to? You should give them a good whip Len, get them straighten up, LOL! :))

tom909 said...

Well Leni, I have sympathy with all your characters, well, maybe not all. I don't like the redhead, actually I don't like her at all, and I'm not too keen on Ed - too pleased with himself by far.
Maybe I was wrong about Bob after all - he's just a guy bouncing around - I know a bit about that myself.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Hanny!

Thanks for your support, dear! I'm feeling better now -I'm lucky that Big Cheese backs me, but he can't confront directly a person from the chairman's office -that's way too dangerous-. Anyway, we have survived 4 years like this!

Your boss is also perfect? I guess this is a common sickness between bosses, lol. Take it easy, Hanny (if he gets too difficult, i can send you the redhair over there to put him in his place, lol)

About Ed... I think I should give him another chance -after all, he said it was a platonic gf-

And yes, Bob is a chaotic guy to go out with. I dont even know if he's my bf or what!

I think Grass has a good whip. I may ask her to do me that favour, lol.

XXX

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Tom!

Hm... I agree on that with you: the redhead is a bitch.
Ed... (look what he did this time) and Bob... didn't you say looooooong agoooooo he was a crappy boyfriend?.

What about Max and the Hell guys (Hellgirl and Percy)? Aren't they cool?

XXX

Fernando said...

Esa Lizzie está carente de algo...

Me empieza a caer bien BigCheese.

Animo.

Un beso.

Leni Qinan said...

Hola Fernan!

La Lizzie existe, desgraciadamente para mí, tiene la cabeza muy poco amueblada y unos cuantos andamos de cabeza haciéndole el trabajo. No sé si realmente lo que le hace falta es lo que sugiere Big Cheese, pero esto es lo que pasa en los gabinetes de los Big Shots: uno manda y los machacas obedecemos. Es la ley del más fuerte. Pero no me quejo.

El calentón del otro día fue de lo más tremendo que he pasado en mi vida, aunque tengo la suerte de que Big Cheese siempre me ha apoyado; siempre nos hemos tenido lealtad y confianza. Aunque no te creas, que Big Cheese también tiene lo suyo. Pero es un tío justo y buena gente, que ya es mucho.

Un beso, y que tengas un buen día (hoy es fiesta en South Sandwich).

Leni Qinan said...

TRANSLATION:

Fernando said:
This Lizzie lacks something… I’m beginning to like Big Cheese.
Chin up.
Kiss.

Leni said:
Hi Fernan!
Lizzie does exist, unfortunately, she’s quite stupid and a few of us have to do her work. I’m not sure what she needs is what Big Cheese suggests, but this is what happens in Big Shots’ Cabinets: there’s someone giving orders and the rest obey. It’s the survival of the fittest. But I won’t complain.

That rant was one of the worse things ever happened to me at work, tho I’m lucky Big Cheese has always supported me; we have always been loyal and trusted each other. Anyway, he is also very tough and demanding. But fair and a good guy, and that’s a lot.

Big kiss and have a nice day (today it’s a holiday in South Sandwich)

Ghost Particle said...

okay...why some men love bitches...LOL ... no answer, no answer at all.

amazing description of Lizzie. felt so real. hahaha...well bt i cant remember if i had such hard person in office, the closest would be a boss who throws stuff at people!!!

roast chicken and chips will make people talk almost anything I think, hemm maybe. Im a glutton as well...bahahaha. :D

hi leni!!!

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Ghosty!

No answer at all??? Tell me at least that Ghost particles don't like bitches, lol.
Well, the bitch is real!!! This is prolly the reason why she looks so real!
I'm glad to hear you have none of those with you, we're all fed up with her! I only hope one day she gets what she deserves.

You have a boss who throws stuff at people? Eew that doesn't sound nice at all.

About the boring menu: I didn't know you were a glutton, like my supposed bf, Bob. Eat your dinner then, it's on the table, lol!

XXX.

Ghost Particle said...

[leni] hehehe...u remembered well, hahaha...its always on the table. well not anymore right now, im back at my place....procrastinating about eating...on weekdays this sucks. on weekends its different. sigh.

last i heard, the boss was terminated. his contract that is :D

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Ghosty,

Don’t procrastinate too much about eating or your lovely particle will end up disappearing and that would be so sad!

I understand you’re lazy about cooking, and mom’s food is always the best. But man, you’ve got to eat! ;)

About your dismissed boss: Hm… is it good or bad news? (for you, I mean). I hope the next one is better.

Take care, and don’t forget to have a proper dinner.:D

XXX.