Sunday, June 6, 2010

Ready to be the party queen

The morning after when I woke up, Ed was not there. I lazily rolled over, tummy to back, to his side of the bed. It was still warm. The pillow had his scent. And it smelled so good.

I yawned and stretched. There was a sentence written on the mirror in red shiny characters: “Time to get going, sleepy head”, it said.

Hmm. What a funny awakening after a night of love and passion. I would have expected something more romantic from him, kind of “A day without you is like a day without sunshine”. But maybe it was a matter of Burdish humour (the type of humour that makes you laugh for five seconds and think for five minutes; something that most Sandwichians -like me- will never get).

I looked out the porthole. It was a genuine spring morning and I smelled the salty sea air that blew through the fluttering net curtains.

And I suddenly remembered… it was the day of the awards ceremony!!!

There was an impressive mannequin in the middle of the cabin, all dressed up like a princess in a magnificent red tulle dress, a pair of shiny red patent leather shoes, red opera gloves and black mink stole; it wore beautiful drop earrings, a ribbon choker and a tiara worthy of a queen.

But there was something oddly funny about that mannequin: a pair of silk sheer stockings, a tiny beaded black g-string and a rhinestoned bra were hanging from its right hand. I smelled a rat.

- You can’t attend the awards ceremony in a French maid outfit, Leni –said a familiar voice-
- Hellgirl! Are these clothes and sexy undies for me? –I asked her-
- Of course, my dear. You’ll look pretty as a picture in this fabulous red dress. Have a look at the jewels. They’re real: genuine Burmese rubies and legendary South African diamonds that I borrowed especially for you from the Tiffany House in Madhattan. I know red is your favorite colour and diamonds are your favourite gems.- What do you mean you “borrowed” the jewels?- Well, I had to cast a spell on the shop assistants that made them a bit groggy, so that they didn’t object when I asked if they would be kind enough to lend me their best ruby choker and diamond tiara.- Hellgirl! That’s is a robbery!
- Oh my, this is too strong a word to say, Leni! We don’t use money in Hell; our economy is based on deals, barters, swaps and borrowings. So what’s wrong with it when both parties agree on such a private agreement?
Ah, she was impossible. Meanwhile, I was blinded by the brightness of the red fabric, the real rubies and the diamonds. I couldn’t take my eyes off the dress.

- Did you know, Leni, that the reporters of “The Sandwichian Chronicle” have nicknamed you “Ed’s missing urban Cinderella” when you disappeared? –she asked, as she was leafing through a newspaper-.
- Yes. I became famous when they caught us kissing last summer at the Arena lobby.

I had been stalked by the Sandwichian reporters for months until I disappeared. It all started when Bob Gausmann, my ex-boyfriend, invited me to the tennis cup finale. The crème de la crème of Sandwich was there to watch the event and of course, Ed was there too. When he saw me with Bob, he became so jealous that he lost his cool and phoned me to meet him at the lobby on the spot. I managed to calm him down and when we patched things up, we hid in a dark corner to kiss. Right after make up sex, there’s nothing like make up kisses. But as soon as his lips touched mine, three reporters came out of the blue flashing their cameras.

- Tonight’s the night to show them that you’re not a poor thing. –said Hellgirl- It will be earthshattering news when it’s official.- What? What will be official? –I asked, very intrigued-
- That you’re Ed’s girlfriend.
I collapsed on the bed.

- AM I??? –I asked in shock-
- I think so. It’s pretty obvious that he has some expectations about you, isn’t it?- He’s just protecting me. I’m now in a difficult position, unemployed and far from home.- Of course. And you have a mission in life that has a lot to do with him.- What mission???
She was about to answer when Percy, her inseparable servant, made a star appearance in the room, wearing his tacky red top hat.

- Long time no see, Leni. I still can’t understand why you date humans again, least of all Ed. He may come up with a marriage proposal and impregnate you five times before you realise it. So honey, my condolences. He’s a hottie but he’s old and immortal also. He has been twice widowed; he’s dark as a dungeon and weird like a twilight vampire! What a nice history you will inherit, luv. You surely deserve someone better. –said Percy-
- Stop the verbal diarrhea, Percy. We all make mistakes. –said Hellgirl, smoking her long golden cigarette-. As the say goes: “If you marry you will regret it. If you do not marry you will regret it. If you marry or do not marry, you will regret it.” –she laughed-. I already had 15 husbands when I started to regret, so it can’t be that bad!- OOOOOH SHUT UP! I’M NOT MARRYING ED!!! –I shouted while they killed themselves laughing-

I was very worried.

- Leni, pull yourself together. I’ve known Ed for 250 years now. He’s neither a dork nor a freaky guy and I’m totally sure that he’s head over heels in love with you. I predict you’ll end up marrying him -and you’ll marry well- but all in goodtime. –said Hellgirl-
- Arrrrgh… will you come off it, please? –I mumbled-
- What? Isn’t he good-looking? –asked Hellgirl-
- Yeah he’s really hot. –I answered-
- Isn’t he filthy rich? –asked Percy again-
- Yes, indeed.
- Then what else can you ask for? If not for the fact that he’s older than God, darker than black and busier than a three-legged cat, he would be perfect. Oh and he gets up to some crazy antics quite often too…
I raised an eyebrow. Percy went on.

- But for better or worse, you love him, Leni. Poor thing. You’re sick of oldermenitis and that turns you into an oldephile.
- What???- That's the opposite to a paedophile.
–said Percy- You know, one of these perverts and vicious individuals who like to shag with the older generations… I’m 535 years old, Leni and very open minded to any sexual options if you'd ask… -whispered Percy into my ear-

- You would be the last one I'd ask! -I said-

I was about to shout out again, utter a curse, a harsh abrupt scream. But before I did, Hellgirl warned him:

- Percy, if you don’t shut up right now, I’ll send you to ride the wings of pestilence and doom you to dwell in caves filled with creepy worms and biting bats till the next millenium.- Your threaten sounds like the hackneyed libretto of a bad opera rather than the punishment of a she-devil, Hellgirl. How come you never force me to march naked among the applicants for the title of Miss Universe or arrange a threesome for me with Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox and Lucy Liu, instead?
- That’s a foursome, hamster dick! You’re so stupid that you can’t even count.- Hey guys, stop it. Now. Or I’ll get mad. You sound like dumb and dumber!
They could spend hours fighting over the most stupid things one can imagine.

- I just need to look pretty and witty tonight! Prettier and wittier than Misty! –I cried in despair.-
- Aww… poor thing. Look what you’ve done, Percy: you made Leni cry and you’ve pissed me off. I’m gonna freeze you for a while.
Hellgirl pointed out at him and Percy was frozen on the spot in carbonite, like Han Solo in “The Empire strikes back”.

"Party girl" (U2)