Public scandals (II)

Obviously, when you get to be an adult and you have a problem, you don't want to call mom and say “Help me”. But in my situation –arrested in a foreign country, half naked and locked up in a cell- I didn’t hesitate to call Ed.

- Ed. I’m in trouble. I need your help. –I said, nervously-.
- What’s the matter, sweety? –he asked, very alarmed-
- I’ve been arrested in Mawi-Mawi for going topless at the beach and they won’t set me free unless someone bails me out.

He interrupted me, very concerned.

- Stop. Is it forbidden to go topless on Mawi-Mawian beaches? –he asked-
- Yes. There’s a Government Act that bans women sunbathing topless.
- I see. Didn’t they inform you about it before they arrested you?
- Oh yes, they did. They even gave me the chance of getting dressed voluntarily, but I had a fit of histerics and the cops handcuffed me tight. Then, they filed a formal complaint and took me to the station. I’m now locked up in a cell and very scared, Ed.

He sighed.

- Leni, don’t panic. It won’t help. –he said-
- There’s more.
- Oh my. Shoot.
- I know it sounds weird, but I accidentally met Bob here. He was with me when I was arrested. He complained when the cops handcuffed me, and they arrested him too.

He didn’t utter a word. The police agent who let me phone hit the wall with his truncheon, meaning I was running out of time and the conversation should finish on the spot.

- I met him by accident, Ed. We were having a picnic at the beach but I’m not in the least interested in him. Please, believe me.
- You don’t have to explain, Leni. –he said, sadly-
- But I do want to explain!

He sighed deeply again.

- I’m in South Orsinia now, for business. Hold on a bit and I’ll fly to Mawi-Mawi immediately. It will take me around two hours. And if you still insist on explaining the situation, you’ll be able to do that when we meet. –he said, ironically-

And he put the telephone down without even saying goodbye. I knew he was mad with jealousy but he was doing his best to hide it stolidly.

I hung up the phone. I was escorted to my cell and locked again.

- Are you ready to get a free orange jumpsuit from the Mawi-Mawian State, shorty? Don’t expect your Ed to take us out of here –said Bob from the cell next to mine-
- Oh shut up! He will take us out of here real soon. –I said, sick with fear-

Not even twenty minutes had passed, when I saw something that left me stupefied: the Police Inspector and Moebius Hax entered the corridor followed by two mysterious young ladies carrying briefcases.

The Police Inspector spoke to the agent who had allowed me to phone. After their short conversation, the cop remained laid-back, slowly took his bunch of keys, shuffled along the corridor and opened the door to my cell.

- You’re out of the pokey, missy. –he said-

I couldn’t believe I was free. The air outside seemed sweeter, much fresher. Moebius approached me.

- Hello again, Leni. –he said-
- Hello Moe. What brings you here? –I asked-

Actually, he seemed to be everywhere. I had seen him in the plane; at the bar where I was having a drink with Bob; at the amusement park; and again at the police station. That was a most strange coincidence.

He smirked.

- I’m here on behalf of Ed Davies. He’s flying to Mawi-Mawi. You and Mr. Gausmann will be now released on bail, and after some minor arrangements, you will be cordially invited to leave the country tomorrow.

Had I heard that right? Was I going to be expelled from Mawi-Mawi for going topless on the beach? This is how I knew that my wonderful spring holidays were over.

- My assistants have brought some clothes for you. –said Moebius-

I looked at myself. I felt ridiculous and completely exposed showing my buttcheeks under Bob’s huge t-shirt. One of the assistants opened her briefcase. It contained a beautiful pink dress, pink shoes and a small vanity bag. I got dressed up in the public restrooms and then met Moe, Bob and the assistants at the lobby.

The old cop gave me a plastic bag with all my belongings: my small handbag, my beach wrap… and the most important thing: the diamond ring that Ed had given me.

- So you’re not a jeweler –I said to Moebius, showing him the ring-
- No. I’m not a jeweler, but an attorney general. I represent Ed’s interests in this country. He will meet you at your hotel in one hour. –he said, looking at his watch-

Then, he added:

- By the way, the ring is not fake. It’s an excellent diamond set on the purest white gold ring; Ed ordered it especially for you to the best jeweller in Orsinia.
- I told you I didn’t really mind whether it was true or fake, but why did you lie to me?
- You’d better ask Ed about it.

I had the feeling that Ed had sent Moebius to keep an eye on me. I needed to clear things up with him.

A black Jaguar was waiting for us on Mainstreet.

- Can I say goodbye to my friend before we leave?
- Of course you can. I’ll wait for you in the car.

I turned to Bob.

- Bob, I’m afraid I must be going now.
- What a shame that our picnic had this strange end, Len.
- True. –I said, looking down-
- This place is crazy and people here are crazy too. I’ll call you when I’m back in Sandwich. I’d like to see you again.
- Take care with these two. They look like Chucky’s brides –I said, pointing at the assistants-
- Nah… I’m on the verge of convincing them for a threesome.
- Cool. Have fun, then.

The twin assistants giggled when he gave me a peck on the lips and disappeared into his old dirty Jeep Cherokee, as Moebius and I headed to the Majestic Hotel in the Jaguar.

- Following Ed’s instructions, I booked the Queen Suite for you. He will take you back to Sandwich in his private jet.

I can’t remember if I have ever mentioned that Ed was a control freak. He used to plan things carefully beforehand and never left anything to improvisation. And he loved to make star appearances, just like Hellgirl and the rest of supernaturals. It was good for his seductive superego.

So when I opened the door to the Queen Suite… he was already there, having a hot bath, enjoying a cigarette and drinking a glass of bourbon.

He stared at me and asked, phlegmatically:

- Have you finished playing dungeons and dragons yet, Leni?

Traditions some men will never observe

First and foremost, Happy New Year to you. I've been giving my brain cells a little break to come back fresh and ready to tell you about my things and my weird life again.

So where were we... ah yes. It's already history, but I was on the verge of telling you how my Christmas lunch with Ed Davies -the supernatural Burdish editor that some consider my love affair- went.

The scene recommences at my small flat in Grytviken, the capital city of the South Sandwich Islands. I was all dolled up; had just set up a beautiful and well-arranged table. I was clenching my fingers around the green jade and gold magic fountain pen that I would be giving to Ed as a Christmas present... when the doorbell rang.

When I opened the door, Ed was there, leaning against the doorframe, killing me with that smile of his. Don't think it was kinda Cary Grant's smile at the Philadelphian ladies in the old classic movies, no. It was a hugely seductive smile, indeed; but a sort of evelish piercing smile; as wild and powerful as an uncontrolled force of nature; the kind of smile that makes a man intensely, truly, inevitably dangerous.

And every time he smiled at me, my heart skipped and I shook like a leaf. A delightful shiver ran through my body. I smiled back at him and couldn't help blushing. I even lowered my gaze.

He was holding in his hands a bouquet of roses wonderfully red as blood.

- Hi sweetheart. You look absofucking gorgeous. This is for you. -he said, giving me the roses-

Wow. Ed really knew how to treat women. Nobody but him could manage so elegantly to keep the balance between swearing and flattering. But I felt very iconoclastic that day and couldn't help to start teasing him a bit about his anti-traditionality.

- Thank you, Ed. Your roses are simply beautiful -I said, inhaling deep to feel their awesome smell-. Come in, please. I know traditions are not your thing, but don't worry: I won't start caroling or wishing you a Merry Christmas. But since it's a tradition in Burdishland to kiss under the mistletoe, I thought you'd like it and pinned some up there above the doorframe in your honour. -I said, pointing at the ceiling-
- You don't need to do that, Leni. If you want me to kiss you, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to kiss you anytime. Not only on Christmas Day.

And again, he stared at me. Jeez, he had an answer for everything. And he always came up with brilliant ideas to hit back at my jokes.

He put his arms around me and kissed me with such a feeling and overwhelming passion that my legs started shaking and my knees went weak. I had kissed a few guys before, and I had never once had one make me shake just from kissing him like he did. He left me totally breathless. I went into a hypnotic trance. My mind and consciousness became so weak that my will was completely missing.

- So what were you saying about traditions, Leni? -he whispered in my ear when the kiss ended-

Man, do you really think I was able to answer his question at that very instant?

I hadn't even noticed that during my ecstatic state I had let myself go to such a point that I opened my right hand inadvertently and the fountain pen rolled down to the parquet floor bouncing and making a loud noise. He picked it up and gave it back to me. I suddenly woke up from my reveries.

Shit. That was not exactly the way I wanted it to happen. I had carefully planned to choose the fountain pen; I almost went into trouble when I stole it at Breuninger with Hellgirl; I had bought the nicest paper and lace in South Sandwich to do the gift wrapping. I had even dreamed of that unique moment when he would be opening the present impatiently. But instead of that... I accidentally dropped it on the floor. The magic moment I had so much dreamed of, disappeared before it had even happened.

- Oh my... it was going to be your Christmas present! I'm sorry I couldn't wrap it properly. I was about to do that when you arrived... -I said almost in tears-
- Is it for me? -he asked, interrupting my heartfelt words-
- Yes, but I'm sorry I couldn't wrap it nicely as I would have wanted!
- Holy shit! A genuine Occhiobello fountain pen! What a treasure! Jeez, Leni... thank you... -he said, looking closely at it-

That sincere exclamation of joy made me feel a lot better. And he didn't know yet what that thingamajig could do.

- You probably have a zillion fountain pens... -I sald-
- Sure I do, darling. But this one is the nicest I could ever dream of. And it's a present from you. -he said, smiling at me-
- The truth is it has a special feature, apart from the excellent writing.

He stared at me intriggued.

- Hm... tell me about it.
- You will be able to paint your dreams in the air and make them come true if the image is faithful to reality.

He couldn't wait to try it. He draw strange figures and complicated writings and the delicate coloured mist started spreading in the air. I couldn't understand any of the sentences he wrote.

- What was your dream about? -I asked when the mist started clearing away-.
- To have a life with you.

Yes, what he said destabilized me big time. He was reviving his old dream of having a third wife who would be suposedly a Virgo girl and have a brown mole on her left breast. Just like I was and had. But the best was yet to come.

After we had finished our non-Christmas lunch, I thought back to what Hellgirl suggested me to ask him: to publish my books. I would probably never be that close to an editor again in my whole life. I had never asked him for anything, so I decided it was worth trying. It was now or never and I was confident he wouldn't object, so I crossed my fingers and said:

- Ed...
- Yes, Leni?
- Do you think Kynkybooks could publish my stories? Do you think you could read them and bring out my works?
- Honey, I never do that. There are people at Kynkybooks whose work is to read and evaluate the new writers' works. It's not as simple as you think.
- Oh but I'm sure you're the one who has the final say... so please... read my books... you did it once... it means a lot to me... why can't you do that again? -I asked, rubbing his right hand with my fingers-.
- Because Hellgirl entrusted me with the reading of your books when you made that deal with her, remember? And I had to set you free from your debt.

I nodded.

- Oh but... I have new stories that you haven't read yet and I'd like you to give me your advice and tell me in all honesty if you could publish them.
- No Leni, I cant do this. It's not a company policy to favour the writers just because they know the editor.
- Can't you just break your strict rules for once in a lifetime, Ed? You won't die for reading my books! Why do you always have to be so decent and respectable? -I said, nervously-

And then, there was silence. It was the silence before the storm. My womanly wiles were not working at all and I started getting worked up.

- I'll get you an appointment with McGillicuddy, my Copy Chief. He's an excellent copyreader and proofreader. I'll see to it. -he said-
- But I'd like you to do that, Ed. Do it for me... please...
- I'd love to, baby, honest, but I can't do it. I've just bought new premises for Kynkybooks and I'm very short of time. I'm confident that McGillicuddy will do a fine work if you send him your book.

I was consumed with intense anger … a fire whose temperature was reaching excessive degrees.

- You can't do it? My arse! YOU CAN DO IT, BUT YOU DONT WANT TO DO IT! Your lousy excuses make you sound so pathetic! How come you can't even bother to read my books? It will take you just two hours of your precious time! I bet this is not the same you would say to your beloved Misty McGuire!
- Hey, child, don't talk to me like that!
- Stop treating me like a baby! I'm not a child! I'm a woman!

He quietly got up and said in a low voice:

- I think I better leave now, Leni. You're being very unreasonable, very selfish and throwing fits at everything, just like a baby. You can't always get what you want. Learn this lesson. The sooner, the better. The world doesn't revolve around you.

And he dashed out, slamming the door behind him.

Yes, I have a sharp tongue. But disappointment kills.

I cried tears of dark despair and sorrow, but my cry for help remained unnoticed. I would have given my life for him and yet he was unable to spare me two hours of his time to read my fifty-pages book. Was that so much to ask?

My love for him had always been unconditional, wholehearted, loyal, faithful and I expected him to love me accordingly. But to him, I had just thrown a fit. A total tantrum, like a little kid.

From that day on, I knew what my first New Year's resolution would be in 2009: to get published, whatever it took. And I didn't give a damn wether it was with or without Ed Davies' help.




"Calling all angels" (Jane Siberry & KD Lang)