SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Somewhere in New Calexico

The day after, Max woke up with a splitting headache. He could hardly open his eyes. Percy was sitting right in front of him; holding a glass and shaking its contents, patiently waiting for him to wake up.

- How do you feel, mate? –asked Percy-.
- Oow! Don’t shout! I feel terrible. –answered Max, grabbing his head in pain-.
- I’m not surprised. You drank like a fish yesterday. You’re now under the effects of the usually referred to as ‘a hangover from hell’. But fear not. I’m coming up with a solution that never fails –he said, showing him the glass-. This is a fast and complete cure for your problem, whose ingredients are:

A cup of coffee.
A raw egg.
The nail of a bat.
A hair of a mad dog.
The bone of a snake.
A bit of powder to cheer you up and the regular stuff you use to give a better taste to your dishes: honey, pepper, cinnamon...

- I’ll die on the spot if I drink that
–said Max, pointing at the glass, whose contents looked revoltingly yellow-brownish.
- O ye of little faith! You won’t die, my friend. Trust me. Drink it down in one go. We don’t have much time: the lady is waiting.

That seemed to convince Max. He drank the concoction and rushed to the bathroom, where he expunged the contents of his stomach with a dreadful vomicane that could be heard for miles around.

- So burning the candle at both ends, huh? Man, you’re a wreck! You’re not going to seduce her with your bad breaths and disgusting stench! Your feet stink like French cheese! Eeek! And you say my farts smell bad! –said Percy, pinching his nose-

Percy draw a pentagram in the air and a rain of tiny Orsinian flags started falling over Max, changing his appearance into the one of a hot, desirable, eligible bachelor: spic-and-span and perfect looking. He was dolled up and ready to go out.

- Now you look like a real alpha male. Let me show you what the lady looks like, so that you can start lickin’ your lips. And wear this, please. – said giving him the boxers- Don’t get scared if you suddenly lose your Zantlander accent and start talking like an Orsinian; that’s just normal.

Max obeyed blindly and put the boxers on. They fitted him perfectly.

Percy’s second trick was to conjure up a scrapbook of the 1998 Santa Fe Highschool Meeting. The beetch had been crowned Beauty Queen that year. The words ‘Miss Plus 98’ could be read from the white strip on the golden latex bath suit that fitted her body like a perfect skin; the crown on her head haloed in fake diamonds and gold with the dubious taste of kitsch.

- Whohoo!!! She’s real hot!!! –exclaimed Max-
- Man, somebody get a drool bucket! She’s not blind date material, but there’s something you should know about the fabulous blonde: that gal is a real country hick; daft as a brush; pretentious; solipsistic; self-deceited; she lacks perspective and forgets the past easily; so… how do you like her? –asked Percy-
- Oh, she’s perfect! –said Max enthusiastically-
- Yeah… for every rip there’s a patch, I suppose. That’s an unequivocal truth; here, there and everywhere. Let’s go then, mate.
- Where?
- Santa Fe; State of New Calexico; Orsinia. Hold tight!

Percy sat on Max’s left shoulder and pronounced an orbiting spell. They flew across space and time until they spotted the borders of the State of New Calexico drawn as a square portion of the Orsinian map and landed smoothly on the roof of a public library. Percy took his field glasses and scanned the horizon.

- Good. The gal is going to have a milkshake and chat session at that cyber cafe over there –he said, pointing at the cafe in the corner-. You must pour this on her drink and make sure you’re the first one she sees right after. She will fall madly, deeply and hopelessly in love with you. By the way: her name is Tigerlilly, but everybody calls her Lilly. Good luck, man. If you need any help, just give me a shout.

They shook hands. For obvious reasons, Percy became invisible, but audible only to Max. He entered into the cafe and discreetly sat at the counter, where he set up his observation post.

Lilly took one of the laptops; she sipped from her milkshake glass; logged into her messenger account; she smiled, very pleased to see her Zeewlander ex was on. She IMd him:

“Hi there”.

***************************************************************************

That night I logged into msn after a long break, just in case there was someone around. To my surprise, there was a small orange light flashing in my toolbar.

- Len!!!
- Hello stranger
–I typed. If he could just see me smile-
- How are you doing, baby?
- I’m just fine, and you?
- Not too bad. Watching some footy. Supporting South Sandwich now that we’ve lost, hahaha.
–he suddenly stopped laughing-. Oh my gawd.
- What?
- My ex is IMing me!

I gasped. The bitch struck again. What a mood-killer. It really messed me up.

- She just said ‘Hi there’ and then kept very quiet. -he said-
- Oh. And when did you say you split up with her?
- December last year.
- Are you still friends?
- No, not friends.
- Ah. Ok.

In all honesty, I didn’t know what else to say. She was still the dog in the manger... to my consternation, tribulation and despair. The unexpected interruption really knocked me out.

- Hey, baby, are you there? Did you see the soccer match yesterday?
- Yes, we won.
–I said, unemotionally-
- Congrats honey. The Red Fury is so cool.
- It certainly is. Sorry, Bob, I have a phone call. I’ll be right back.


The dictionary described my destructive emotion as the feeling of being threatened by a rival in a romantic relationship. And I so hated that.

I logged off on the spot, without even saying goodbye.

***************************************************************************

Meanwhile, at the Santa Fe cyber cafe, Max decided to try the direct approach.

- Hey sweet princess. –he smiled to her-
- Oh, hire yew, stranger? –she said smiling back, fluttering her eyelashes seductively-.
- My name’s Max and I come from Zantland. I wonder if you could spare me a minute of your precious time.
- Shore.

Max formally offered her a hand-kiss that had a great effect on her. She was overwhelmed by his chivalry.

- As I said before, I’m new here. I’m a bit lost.
- I seen ya, dude. Why didn chu come here and tawk to me before?
–she asked him-
- I’m a bit shy. –he said, blushing-
- Aww Zantlandian, eh? Goodness gracious, wur is it? I was fixin to leave. I hain't had sump'n teet since dinner. –she said-
- Ehem... Zantlander. Not Zantlandian. I'd be pleased to treat you for lunch, then.
- Aww! If'n the Lord's willin' an’ the creek don't rise, I shore plan to fix sum nice Bobby-Q fer lunch. You prolly want to join me teet.

He could hardly understand her, yet he was so pleased that he merely nodded. It really didn’t matter to him, as long as they could speak the language of love. “Ain’t she sweet and hot?” –he thought-.

She certainly sounded like the Beverly Hillbillies, but the superposh Zantlander could very well cope with that! He suddenly remembered he still had to pour the magic brew into her milkshake.

- Hey sweety! Look out! Giant spiders falling from the ceiling! –he shouted-

That was brilliant. The trick worked: Lilly looked up with her mouth open in search for the dangerous insects as Max dropped the contents of the test tube directly inside her mouth when she was not looking. The effect was immediate: Lilly’s monitor flashed with laconic greetings from her Zeewland ex, returning her previous message.

“Hi” –answered Bob to her IM, out of conviction, rather politeness-

- Oh dang, not now, piss off! –she said, switching the laptop off and turning to Max-. So tell me Max… would’ya like to play with me? Cuz I have sum nice toys at my place. I have a crown and a throne fer ya and a leash fer me. I shore bet ya’d luv to spank me a lil’, cuz I been a bad bad girl, right? –she giggled, putting her arms around his neck-.

Max didn’t get her, but he kept nodding all the time, mesmerized by her beauty and sweetness. Percy was hiding inside the ceiling lamp, sighing and clapping his hands. He followed them to Lilly’s place and shouted into Max’s ear:

“Well done, mate! Now go ahead and have your fun! Spank her as much as you want, but give me the boxers first. Hellgirl must destroy them”

He didn’t get any reply from Max, who was very busy doing three things at the same time:

1.- Undoing Lilly’s bra with his right hand.
2.- Testing her butt’s firmness with his left hand.
3.- Looking sideways, in search for a good spanking place.

“I’ll do you this favour, mate, but you owe me one!” –he said, taking Max’s boxers off.

As soon as he had them, he orbited back to Hell, to report.





Clowns (Goldfrapp).


This is a beautiful song whose lyrics are incomprehensible to me (they seem to talk about Barbie Dolls, plastic surgery and tits, though). Anyway, the music is awesome. Enjoy!



9 comments:

s said...

holy shit, this was unexpected, but oh so cool. Didnt expect anything new till thursday.

Things are looking good len, Max got a hold of her and the potion worked like a charm. I have to say: she seems quite kinky, or is it kninky lol. Perfect material for our desperate maxi heheh

I rolled of my chair because of her orsinian accent HAHAH She speaks perfect hillibillie, she could learn me a thing or two (id better not tho, best to keep away from her lol)

excellent suprise len, i loved it, thanks!

max said...

Wow! Surprisingly you posted on Wednesday! I suppose you'll be very busy tomorrow watching the footy match. Good luck to the Sandwichians, and see u in the final match!

Don't I look cool in these boxers, guys? I have my Scarlet girl at last! I don't understand her southerner speeches at all, but wtf, hahahah. She's so sweet.

Cool story, Leni. I really laughed and enjoyed IT.

Big kiss.

PS.- I still have several questions for you, like:

- Are you upset with Bob for answering his ex's IM? It seemed to me you were.
- Is he still your bf? If not, call me. I definitely can cope with two girls, hahaha!
- Is Percy reporting to Hellgirl and then recovering his human shape?
- What does he really look like?
- Is the editor answering you about publishing your novel for Hellgirl?

I am really curious.

Take care and take it easy -I know you're overloaded with work these days and yet frantically writing- :) Give yourself a break.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Mocky!

Apparently I post only on Mondays and Thursdays but –as I remember having told you once- I am a bit unpredictable and sometimes I post on different days. I feel very inspired lately; I’m writing a lot and enjoying it, and I may try to post again on Friday, so stay tunned! This time I thought you readers would love to find a new story earlier than usual. It’s very nice to know you liked it! ;)

Yeah, you’re right, things are definitely getting better, considering the existing previous mess. Maxi is very happy with the girl. He is not demanding, as long as she’s hot! And yes, she is very kinky (you saw that??? A crown and a throne fer him, and a leash fer her! How funny is it? Hahaha).

Ah. Btw Mocky: NO HILLBILLIE CLASSES WITH THE ORSINIAN GIRL! So keep away from her –at least 5.000 miles- or I’ll kick yer ass!
If yer interested in the Southernese language, try this link. It has a very funny glossary with words and expressions. You’ll crack up:

http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/southernese.html

XXX. Len.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Max!

Nice to hear you enjoyed reading too! I have sooo many stuff in my head+notebook that I need to write everything.
Yes, I’ll be watching the footy match, that’s for sure! And I hope you guys too. The Sandwichian team needs your support! People over here say they can’t stand so much pressure, but everybody hopes they play a good match and win, so I’d love to see a final South Sandwich-Zantland. That would be fun, haha.

You look just gorgeous in the Orsinian boxers, Maxi. And if you wear them regularly, you’ll learn the language. But take care with Lilly: she seems a bit kinky. Anyway, you’re supposed to be the Master and she’s the pet, so things will be very cool for you.

I just have an answer to your questions: Wait, visit me again and read. Same goes for everyone, I’d love it if you do that!

XXX.

PS.- Thanks for caring, I’ll try to take it easy. ;)

Grass said...

Hello sis! Great story of Max and the Orsinian girl.. Geez, she's kinky, isn't she? I thought southerners were conservative..LOL And it's really cool how she materialized as authentic southerner with that accent and hmmm, poor grammar.. Are southerners really like that? The only thing I remember about them is their prejudice against blacks back in 1900's..


Congratulations to Sandwhichians.. they're good! :-)

Max: You look yummy on your Orsinian boxers LOL If you showed up in front of Lily wearing only the boxers, you wouldn't have needed the potion Percy gave you ..LOL

Mocky: I suppose you were looking more closely at Leni's profile than I did.. I didn't even notice what days new posts come til you said so.. LOL

Nice post sis! Keep up the good work! And ooh, don't work yourself too much! I didn't know you were so busy/busier than I am these days.. Take care of yourself sis.. :-)


hugs and xxx

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Sis! Thanks! I'm glad you loved it!

Yes, she is very very kinky and it seems Max loves it!

Apparently Southerners are very conservative, but only in the surface. This is a cliche, of course but Southern girls are well known for their... hospitality towards men, hahaha. It's quite contradictory, but this is what they say. My best friend in RL is an Orsinian Southerner, and I can say she is very nice and pretty, but not very selective with guys, lol.

Southerners are generally happy people -maybe the climate helps- but their accent and grammar are most peculiar, lol. There's still some prejudice there -it takes some time to make these things disappear, if this is possible- but again, these are old cliches (my friend and her family are very open minded and politically correct, for instance. There must be many other exceptions).

Tomorrow is the D-day for the Sandwichians: if we win the match against Commyland, we will qualify for the finals to play against Zantland! -I am realising i'm speaking as if I was a player, hahaha-. Thanks a lot for supporting, sis! Your good vibes will surely reach the team, :)

Btw, the early guys must be sleeping now, but I'm sure you will get their answers tomorrow in the morning -our morning-.

Thanks a lot for your nice comment, I really loved it sis. And thanks for caring. I'll take it easy...

Big XXX and hug.

max said...

Good morn to ye all.

Leni -> Yes I’m an early guy. I go to sleep early. I wake up early. I eat early. I comment early. And I'm looking forward to your next post EARLY, LOL.

Grass -> I was certainly sleeping when your message arrived. You know I would have rushed to answer you on the spot, sweety. But the thing is that I was deeply asleep. :(

Anyways. It's great to hear you love my Orsinian look. Btw, my wonderful belly has nothing to do with the boxers. I try to keep fit at the gym. :)

You’re right, maybe the potion was not necessary, but I felt I had to do as Percy said, just in case –these Hell people scare me a bit-. And it will always reinforce Lilly’s passion, which is great. I’m very happy now. Gosh... she’s kinky! I am enjoying the throne and the crown –it’s nice to be the King, the Master, the Dom, whatever. I think I’m discovering my kinky side-.

And I tellya, I luved the Bobby-Q, lol –you see, my Southerner is improving all the time!-

Huge hugs from New Calexico!

PS.- We won the match yesterday! Up with Zantland!

Grass said...

Congratulations to Zantland then! Good to hear you're doing great over there in New Calexico Max! :-) See? Hellgirl is not bad after all..lol You got your wish so you better be a good guy! :-)


Whip Slasher (no, not the kinky one! LOL)



P.S. no worries about the late reply, I perfectly understand the time zone differences.. :-)

max said...

Hey Grass!
Thanks! I hope we’re champions on Sunday! I bet you’ll be hearing from that!
Well, Hellgirl has been most kind to me, but I guess it was on account of Leni, who will have to pay her debt –poor thing, she still has to publish that novel. I feel terrible!-.
Me better be a good guy, girls? I am a good guy always! Ha!
I’m afraid that my late reply is rather due to sleepiness, lol. As soon as it’s 2200 I get drowsy –but not on the weekends!-
Nice to tawk to yew, Whip Slasher! –oops, sorry for my awful Southernese accent, it sticks, LOL-. Take care!
Max (Future Footy Champion).