The day after, Max woke up with a splitting headache. He could hardly open his eyes. Percy was sitting right in front of him; holding a glass and shaking its contents, patiently waiting for him to wake up.
- How do you feel, mate? –asked Percy-.
- Oow! Don’t shout! I feel terrible. –answered Max, grabbing his head in pain-.
- I’m not surprised. You drank like a fish yesterday. You’re now under the effects of the usually referred to as ‘a hangover from hell’. But fear not. I’m coming up with a solution that never fails –he said, showing him the glass-. This is a fast and complete cure for your problem, whose ingredients are:
A cup of coffee.
A raw egg.
The nail of a bat.
A hair of a mad dog.
The bone of a snake.
A bit of powder to cheer you up and the regular stuff you use to give a better taste to your dishes: honey, pepper, cinnamon...
- I’ll die on the spot if I drink that –said Max, pointing at the glass, whose contents looked revoltingly yellow-brownish.
- O ye of little faith! You won’t die, my friend. Trust me. Drink it down in one go. We don’t have much time: the lady is waiting.
That seemed to convince Max. He drank the concoction and rushed to the bathroom, where he expunged the contents of his stomach with a dreadful vomicane that could be heard for miles around.
- So burning the candle at both ends, huh? Man, you’re a wreck! You’re not going to seduce her with your bad breaths and disgusting stench! Your feet stink like French cheese! Eeek! And you say my farts smell bad! –said Percy, pinching his nose-
Percy draw a pentagram in the air and a rain of tiny Orsinian flags started falling over Max, changing his appearance into the one of a hot, desirable, eligible bachelor: spic-and-span and perfect looking. He was dolled up and ready to go out.
- Now you look like a real alpha male. Let me show you what the lady looks like, so that you can start lickin’ your lips. And wear this, please. – said giving him the boxers- Don’t get scared if you suddenly lose your Zantlander accent and start talking like an Orsinian; that’s just normal.
Max obeyed blindly and put the boxers on. They fitted him perfectly.
Percy’s second trick was to conjure up a scrapbook of the 1998 Santa Fe Highschool Meeting. The beetch had been crowned Beauty Queen that year. The words ‘Miss Plus 98’ could be read from the white strip on the golden latex bath suit that fitted her body like a perfect skin; the crown on her head haloed in fake diamonds and gold with the dubious taste of kitsch.
- Whohoo!!! She’s real hot!!! –exclaimed Max-
- Man, somebody get a drool bucket! She’s not blind date material, but there’s something you should know about the fabulous blonde: that gal is a real country hick; daft as a brush; pretentious; solipsistic; self-deceited; she lacks perspective and forgets the past easily; so… how do you like her? –asked Percy-
- Oh, she’s perfect! –said Max enthusiastically-
- Yeah… for every rip there’s a patch, I suppose. That’s an unequivocal truth; here, there and everywhere. Let’s go then, mate.
- Santa Fe; State of New Calexico; Orsinia. Hold tight!
Percy sat on Max’s left shoulder and pronounced an orbiting spell. They flew across space and time until they spotted the borders of the State of New Calexico drawn as a square portion of the Orsinian map and landed smoothly on the roof of a public library. Percy took his field glasses and scanned the horizon.
- Good. The gal is going to have a milkshake and chat session at that cyber cafe over there –he said, pointing at the cafe in the corner-. You must pour this on her drink and make sure you’re the first one she sees right after. She will fall madly, deeply and hopelessly in love with you. By the way: her name is Tigerlilly, but everybody calls her Lilly. Good luck, man. If you need any help, just give me a shout.
They shook hands. For obvious reasons, Percy became invisible, but audible only to Max. He entered into the cafe and discreetly sat at the counter, where he set up his observation post.
Lilly took one of the laptops; she sipped from her milkshake glass; logged into her messenger account; she smiled, very pleased to see her Zeewlander ex was on. She IMd him:
That night I logged into msn after a long break, just in case there was someone around. To my surprise, there was a small orange light flashing in my toolbar.
- Hello stranger –I typed. If he could just see me smile-
- How are you doing, baby?
- I’m just fine, and you?
- Not too bad. Watching some footy. Supporting South Sandwich now that we’ve lost, hahaha. –he suddenly stopped laughing-. Oh my gawd.
- My ex is IMing me!
I gasped. The bitch struck again. What a mood-killer. It really messed me up.
- She just said ‘Hi there’ and then kept very quiet. -he said-
- Oh. And when did you say you split up with her?
- December last year.
- Are you still friends?
- No, not friends.
- Ah. Ok.
In all honesty, I didn’t know what else to say. She was still the dog in the manger... to my consternation, tribulation and despair. The unexpected interruption really knocked me out.
- Hey, baby, are you there? Did you see the soccer match yesterday?
- Yes, we won. –I said, unemotionally-
- Congrats honey. The Red Fury is so cool.
- It certainly is. Sorry, Bob, I have a phone call. I’ll be right back.
The dictionary described my destructive emotion as the feeling of being threatened by a rival in a romantic relationship. And I so hated that.
I logged off on the spot, without even saying goodbye.
Meanwhile, at the Santa Fe cyber cafe, Max decided to try the direct approach.
- Hey sweet princess. –he smiled to her-
- Oh, hire yew, stranger? –she said smiling back, fluttering her eyelashes seductively-.
- My name’s Max and I come from Zantland. I wonder if you could spare me a minute of your precious time.
Max formally offered her a hand-kiss that had a great effect on her. She was overwhelmed by his chivalry.
- As I said before, I’m new here. I’m a bit lost.
- I seen ya, dude. Why didn chu come here and tawk to me before? –she asked him-
- I’m a bit shy. –he said, blushing-
- Aww Zantlandian, eh? Goodness gracious, wur is it? I was fixin to leave. I hain't had sump'n teet since dinner. –she said-
- Ehem... Zantlander. Not Zantlandian. I'd be pleased to treat you for lunch, then.
- Aww! If'n the Lord's willin' an’ the creek don't rise, I shore plan to fix sum nice Bobby-Q fer lunch. You prolly want to join me teet.
He could hardly understand her, yet he was so pleased that he merely nodded. It really didn’t matter to him, as long as they could speak the language of love. “Ain’t she sweet and hot?” –he thought-.
She certainly sounded like the Beverly Hillbillies, but the superposh Zantlander could very well cope with that! He suddenly remembered he still had to pour the magic brew into her milkshake.
- Hey sweety! Look out! Giant spiders falling from the ceiling! –he shouted-
That was brilliant. The trick worked: Lilly looked up with her mouth open in search for the dangerous insects as Max dropped the contents of the test tube directly inside her mouth when she was not looking. The effect was immediate: Lilly’s monitor flashed with laconic greetings from her Zeewland ex, returning her previous message.
“Hi” –answered Bob to her IM, out of conviction, rather politeness-
- Oh dang, not now, piss off! –she said, switching the laptop off and turning to Max-. So tell me Max… would’ya like to play with me? Cuz I have sum nice toys at my place. I have a crown and a throne fer ya and a leash fer me. I shore bet ya’d luv to spank me a lil’, cuz I been a bad bad girl, right? –she giggled, putting her arms around his neck-.
Max didn’t get her, but he kept nodding all the time, mesmerized by her beauty and sweetness. Percy was hiding inside the ceiling lamp, sighing and clapping his hands. He followed them to Lilly’s place and shouted into Max’s ear:
“Well done, mate! Now go ahead and have your fun! Spank her as much as you want, but give me the boxers first. Hellgirl must destroy them”
He didn’t get any reply from Max, who was very busy doing three things at the same time:
1.- Undoing Lilly’s bra with his right hand.
2.- Testing her butt’s firmness with his left hand.
3.- Looking sideways, in search for a good spanking place.
“I’ll do you this favour, mate, but you owe me one!” –he said, taking Max’s boxers off.
As soon as he had them, he orbited back to Hell, to report.
This is a beautiful song whose lyrics are incomprehensible to me (they seem to talk about Barbie Dolls, plastic surgery and tits, though). Anyway, the music is awesome. Enjoy!