SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Thursday, June 26, 2008

A hundred percent mine

I knew the supernaturals were doing their thing. And they were doing real fine. Hellgirl was keeping me abreast of events every day and also reminding me that we still had some pending stuff, me and her.

- Percy was very successful with the job I gave him and he will recover his former appearance very soon. Maxi found his better half; that Orsinian bitch won’t bother you again. I burnt the hexed boxers myself in Hell’s fire. You have now unrestricted liberty of action and decision to make sure Bob is a hundred percent yours. Then… you must pay me your debt. The novel, remember? –she said-

Wow! That was quality and efficient service! Bob a hundred percent mine. I nodded and sighed. She noticed my worries.

- Listen, Leni; here’s my advice and I won’t charge you for this: Your smile makes you pretty; your body makes you sexy; but only your mind makes you beautiful. Remember that. You’ve got a lot going for you, so stop being silly and make sure Bob is all yours. And start writing that novel. Now.

What a self-assertive female demon. She was in a hurry and vanished in the hot breeze leaving a redish trace of smoke behind her. That night Bob phoned me. We hadn’t met for a while and I was dying to see him.

- Hey shorty. –he said-
- Hey big.
- Wanna come to my place to bust a grub? Say… 7 PM?
- What will the menu be?

- I’ll make some mystery meat, slimmy lil’ escargots drenched in butter and an exotic soup that would be really delicious if it didn't have tripe in it.
- What a nice sample of your finest cuisine! So icky and gross! There are simpler ways to kill me, Bob. I’m about to blow chunks on my shoes! Anyways. –I sighed- I get the message: I’ll be there at 7 with a bottle of red wine, roast chicken and bag of chips.
- Yay! You read my mind!
- You’ve got a nerve!
- The ice-cream will be on the house, baby.

- Jalapeno and garlic, I guess.
- Naah, dark chocolate. We’ll puff a nice blunt after dinner. And then I’ll kiss your ouchie to make you feel better, ok?

Excellent. He already sounded 70% mine.

It was a warm and beautiful South Sandwichian night. We gobbled up the food and after dinner, we laid cuddling on the grass, in his backyard; we watched the sky, splashed with more stars than I’ve ever seen. I was lost in my thoughts when Bob came up with one of his most brilliant proposals ever:

- Let’s play a funny game, Len.
- What game?
- Not THAT game you’re thinking of, but this other one: Embarrassing questions and embarrassing answers.
–he said, passing me a blunt like a tree trunk-.

He laughed, staring at me with a disquieting look. I took a giant drag on the blunt and expelled the smoke slowly.

- Ok, but silly party game questions like “If I was a banana, how would you eat me?”, “Do you ever pee in the shower?” or “Do you pick your nose in your car?” won’t count, ok? –I said-
- Hahaha, ok. I have a better one. A real good one.
- Oh my god. Shoot.
- Have you ever stolen something?
–he asked, very solemnly-
- Wow Bob, that’s daring!
- Hehehehe.
- Have I ever stolen something… I do it all the time!
- You steal paperclips and pencils at work, baby?
–he asked, laughing-
- I’m greedier than that. –I answered-
- What’s the most valuable thing you have ever stolen? –he asked, curiously-
- It’s a thrilling story. You may want to hear it.
- I’d love to. Go on, please.


I leaned forward to lie on top of him and started telling the story:

- One day I was at the office, really tired and pissed off. I had been working long hours and thought I deserved a compensation for the overtime the company wouldn’t pay me. So I tiptoed into Big Cheese’s office.
- Jeez… I can see where this is going.
–he said, grinning at me-
- I got a bit paranoid thinking there could be cameras inside the smoke alarms, but I decided to risk my neck. I took special care not to be seen or heard by anyone; then, opened the upper drawer to his desk, and… took Big Cheese's most expensive belonging there: a gold pen the chairman gave him some years ago. He used to sign all the important documents with that pen.
- Oh my god. That’s balls.
- Some days later, he found out that the pen was not where it should be.
- Did he smell a rat?
- No. He just said ‘I think I lost my gold pen’ and asked me if I had seen it. I said ‘No’. He thought he probably lost it last time he used it and asked me to order a new one urgently: exactly the same and on account of the company. The genuine one was inside my bag, hahaha.
- Len, as your boyfriend and your lover, it’s my duty to tell you that it’s very ill-advised to steal stuff from your boss’s desk! You could have lost your job if they had discovered you.

Wow! As my boyfriend and my lover! I started feeling butterflies in my stomach!

- Look who’s talking! It’s no crime to steal from a thief. What about you. Have you ever stolen something? –I asked him-
- Multiple things I guess. Two bikes in Zeewland were the biggest.
- Come on. I thought nobody stole bicycles in Zeewland! Isn’t it a sin, like stealing horses in the Far West?
- Everyone does, baby. We were the three of us. It was night, we looked for bikes at a bus stop; each one took a bike, and we walked back home. We opened the locks inside a friend’s house at 1AM with a saw machine that made a lot of noise. And it was smelly too.
- Did anyone hear you?
- Everyone heard us! But nobody gave a shit. It’s so easy to steal a bike! But the one I stole died six months later.
- Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

I stared at him; that made him feel a bit uncomfortable.

- Hey! Don’t look at me like that. I’m not a criminal.
- I never said that.

I kept staring.

- Tell me what’s disturbing you, Len. I can feel there's something.
- What did your ex wanted the other day?
- You mean when she IMed me on msn?
- Yep.
- I don’t know. She didn’t say anything else and I didn’t say anything else either. So that’s settled. Or not?
- You tell me.
- That’s over. I told you.
- Love me the way you loved her in the beginning. Foolishly. Childishly. Passionately. Without conditions.
- Come here, Len.

I got closer to him. He held me tight and said:

- Listen to me, silly: I love you, ok? You’re all I want.

That sounded acceptably good.

- And button up your shirt or I’ll be doing you in no time at all, pretty skynny. –he said-
- What if I don’t?
- Try me. But I won’t be held responsible for my actions.


I was on the verge of trying him when my cell phone went. He took it.

- As I often say: there’s always some idiot who spoils the best moments of my life. –he said, having a look at the display screen- Uh oh! MANAGEMENT calling: SMS from Big Cheese. He prolly knows you stole his gold pen, Len! Oh my goodness me, you’ll pump up for the pokey! –he said, overdoing his gestures-

I went real paranoid and got the shivers just thinking about that. I threw away my phone in a panicky mode.

- Heeey why have you done that? I was just kidding! There is no way that he could have possibly heard you! Read the message before you start freaking out, Len!

He handed me the cellphone and I opened the inbox: “WE WON”, said Big Cheese

- We won??? We won, Bob!!! –I shouted-

The TV had been on all night long, but we weren’t really watching it.

Soccer chants were making a non-stop background noise. Downtown, the most impatient supporters were lighting fireworks that sparkled like diamonds in the sky; like coloured palm trees exploding in the air; like cosmic stardust rain.

We could hear far away the roaring echo of happy crowds coming from the city, celebrating: People were kissing, drinking and dancing in the streets, because Sandwich had qualified for the final round. We won and it was like a dream.

Bob kissed my lips and whispered:

- Congrats, baby.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
- Yes.
- I love you, Len. With all my heart and
soul.
Don't ever doubt my love for you again.

Yes, he was 100% mine. Definitely.






"Your loving arms" (Karen Overton). What a supersexy trance song.

18 comments:

Grass said...

Awwwww, look everyone, see who's lovestruck at the moment? LOL From the start, I knew this will be a romantic blog so when you mentioned stealing from somebody, I thought you were gonna go mushy and say,

"Hey Bob, guess what? I stole your heart from Tigerlily!"

But that thing about stealing from Big Cheese was really daring! LOL The only stuffs we (meaning the geologist girls, LOL) stole at my boss's office were: expensive candies and one ream of bond papers... LOL He never noticed it, thank God.. or maybe he was being nice and knew who the culprits were and forgave us for it.. I wouldn't know. :-)

Congratulations to Sandwhichians!!


xxx

Leni Qinan said...

Hi sis!

Mmmmm yesss, we’re absolutely lovestruck the two of us; 100%!!! No more hexed boxers! No more Tigerlillies! LOL

Yes, I could finally steal his heart. But sis… he stole mine from the very beginning! ;)

I’m a natural born risk taker, sis, and I have stolen some other valuable stuff from Big Cheese’s office, like men’s watches, expensive ties and other gifts he has for the VIP customers (I have the key to his cupboard). He owes me a zillion dollars in overtime and I have been covering his ass for the last 10 years, so I’m sure he won’t mind too much if he finds out!

Anyway, sis, remember it’s not nice to steal, even if it’s to play kinda Robin Hood, as I did. So like my mom used to say when we crossed the road with the red lights on: “Don’t ever do this”, hahaha. Now you know where my daring character comes from.

So don’t steal your boss’s gold pen, the keys to his car, his AMEX Platinum credit card or anything that might put you into trouble. As long as you stick to candies and papers everything will be ok, lol.

Anyways, from your blog and your comments I guess your boss is a very nice guy. Big Cheese is not bad, but he is sometimes very difficult, demanding and childish, yet he always stands up for me.

About footy: the whole country stopped yesterday. The South Sandwich team played an excellent second half and the score was 3-0 againts Commyland. We’re good friends with the Zantlanders (we are their favorite summer holiday destination and they’re nice people) yet we will be rivals –not enemies- on Sunday at the final match.

Cross your fingers, sis!

XXX.

max said...

Hi Leni!

Wow! I didn’t know you were a professional thief! I totally agree with Bob: THAT’S BALLS. But please take care, ok?

I’m glad to see Bob is 100% yours already –it was time!-. You are two of a kind, guys, stealing gold pens and bicycles… lol. Birds of a feather flock together!

Congrats on the soccer, honey, your team played real good footy and I enjoyed watching the match on the telly. But I’m sorry to say things will be very different on Sunday, hahaha!

No, I was joking. I hope we all enjoy a good match and fair play and the best team wins. But logically I hope the best is Zantland. :)

Big kiss!

PS.- Grassy: Leni is not a model to follow, and certainly a bad influence, lol. So take her advice and don't steal from your boss's desk! You're too young to go to jail!

s said...

And again you suprised me, friday you said, so i expected it to read saturday, but this is way better :D

100% yours! finally! yes indeed, im very happy for you. I told you from the beginning it was lock stock and barrel, and i was right, (as i usually am heheeh).

Congrats on the soccer too, its going to be a nice match next sunday. I hope you win and not maxis team (sorry max lol).

Leni Qinan said...

Mocky, Mocky, Mocky… yeah I’m posting on different days as usual lately. I’m a surprise package. You should know by now. :)

So you knew it was lock, stock and barrel with Bob? Well, it seems to me that you can somehow read his mind! And on top of it… you’re always right!!! Wow! Please, keep me abreast of what he has in mind, ‘cos sometimes he puzzles me a bit, LOL.

Paraphrasing Forrest Gump: life is a box of chocolates… you never know what you’re gonna get, hahaha –look at the soccer! In all honesty, nobody thought South Sandwich would get that far! -

About Sunday’s match: everyone is so happy about yesterday –they played excellent on the 2nd half- I hope we win on Sunday!

Nice to hear you will be supporting the Sandwichians ;) Don’t know what Maxi thinks about that, but I’m very happy, lol.

XXX.

max said...

Mocky -> You’re cordially invited to have a genuine Zantlander beer on Sunday –it’s on me, lol- to celebrate our victory! HAHAHAHA

Cheers, dude!

Grass said...

whew! you stole scary lots of stuffs sis! LOL what on earth did you do with these stuffs you took? LOL Did you give them out to beggars in the manner of Robin Hood(lum)? ;-)

I'm crossing my fingers (all ten of them) for your team then..:-)

Max, thanks for the advice though I'm tempted to spend at least one night in jail for experience.. LOL


xxx

Leni Qinan said...

Hahaha! I could have opened a gift shop to make some extra money, sis. But I gave these stuffs to relatives, friends and bfs. They all look very nice now with the company's ties, watches and scarves on, lol.

I kept some for me as well, so I indulged myself too. I didn't give any stuff to beggars -I don't think they would like to have a necktie of my company- but I am not financially affluent, hence my mention to Robin Hood, hahaha.

Cool sis, I appreciate your support -it's ok to cross your fingers, but don't do as Mocky (although I told him not to do so, he intends to cross his toes as well for the Sandwichians at the risk of getting severe cramps. He's stubborn!)-

Hm. Don't even try the jail for one night, sis. They could eat you alive there -dangerous people!-

Big kiss and hug. ;)

s said...

Its quite daring to steal from your bosses drawer. Especially when you two are the only ones with a key! Thats balls, yeppers.

Guess whos going out for dinner with his coworkers tonight ... I tell you, Im the luckiest dude alive. (I hope the sarcasm is apparent ... ).

Thanks for the invite Max, a beer is always a good idea hahah
Cheers

Leni Qinan said...

Oooooh Mocky, nice to see you back here!

Yeah, I am the really daring-cheeky type of girl. One day I will steal your boxers and you won't even notice, hahahaha!

I have the key to BC's cupboard, but... someone could take it, steal from the cupboard and then leave the key in its place! Apparently, I am a very realiable girl. Only apparently ;) -nobody would believe I steal stuff from that cupboard, lol.

WOOOOOHOOOOO! Dinner with coworkers!!! What a lucky guy!!! LOL -what a drag! I guess you like it as much as I do in the same situation, lol-

Tell them you're sick and come to my place for dinner! There's still some mystery meat and escargots in the fridge, hahaha. And a bottle of Moonshine, of course!

Take it easy! ;)

max said...

Dear Grass:

I am sure you would look gorgeous in a prisoner outfit. BUT:

As your friend-in-the-net (if you allow me to), it is my duty to tell you that it’s very ill-advised to have these type of temptations (spending one night in jail).

Hm. I am sounding a bit like Bob here, am I not? hahaha.

Take care!

max said...

That's cool, Moky, anytime!

Have a nice dinner with your workmates, man! (hahahaha!) ((sorry but I can't help it, LOL)) I hope you survive!

Grass said...

Mocky: cross your fingers and toes for Sandwichians? Wow, that's a feat. Maybe you can put on a show and earn from it. LOL Aren't you guys going to invite for a beer? I don't drink but I will order some pina colada or screw driver or even plain vodka! :P

Max: Thanks buddy (of course we're friends) for your concerns.. That's so sweet of you and yeah, you sound a bit like Bob.. LOL


Sis, I know you care.. hmmm, okay, maybe I will just lock myself in my room and pretend i'm in a prison, lol but that's boring..sheeesh


xxx

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Sis!

Yeah I do care a lot for my lil’ sis from the other side of the world! I wouldn’t like to see you in the pokey! Stop thinking those things or i‘ll lock you in your room myself! Hahaha.

We’re on heat alert in Sandwich, jeez… we may reach 40ºC –climate change I guess- I’ll have a swim at the pool and then write for a while!

Take care, Grassy!

Big kiss and huggy

PS1.- I definitely think that Mocky should send a pic of his toes crossed for South Sandwich to Oprah Winfrey, Jools Holland or David Letterman’s show. He would be a real hit! LOL

PS2.- Take care, sis: Mocky, Max and booze is a dangerous combination. If you don’t drink, I would recommend a soft drink rather than plain vodka!

SpanishGoth said...

Cool blog. I ordered Carnivale on your reccomendation even before I'd had a look.

Couldn't do boxer shorts at the moment though - far too much hassle trying to use 1 finger to tuck my 'inch & a half of wriggling fury' back inside

Leni Qinan said...

Hey Goth! Welcome aboard!

I bet you’ll love Carnivàle; A lot more than McGyver. Thanks for trusting me with that. Actually, it was one of my commenters –Mocky- who told me about it. I’ve seen the 1st season and I think it’s quite something.

So you’re not using boxer shorts while you have a bad finger, right? Hm. That’s very interesting. But I worry about you: Your 'inch & a half of wriggling fury' may get caught in your pant’s zipper. And that would be so unfortunate ;)

SpanishGoth said...

Chica - I don't love McGivver (as they call him in The Simpsons) - it's just anaesthetic to my prostrate soul.

Goths don't do boxer shorts or any of that masculine/feminine derisory segregation.

Leather trousers with button flies....

Goths never mention if they are alone ;-)

Leni Qinan said...

Hello again Goth. I'm really pleased to see you're back.

You'll have to excuse me for my total illiteracy -I had never met a goth before in my whole life- yet, I am available and willing to learn.

I can understand why you don't like McGivver -that dude doesn't really meet your goth standards-.

Neither boxers nor zippers. That's understandable too. They don't really go with your dark. But leather trousers do.

((Still I can't figure out how can you possibly manage to do the button fly with only one hand. Don't tell me there's a lot of things you can do with one hand. I believe you))

Goths never mention if they are alone, huh? How come?

Going to have my beauty sleep in the fridge now. Gnight. ;)