SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Sunday, June 15, 2008

What will you give me?

It was 2:00 AM when Whiteboy left. I hid the boxers into my backpack. I had to get rid of the Orsinian girl at all costs.

I had a wicked plan: my idea was to put Max under their spell. I know what you're thinking: selfish; mean; evil. That's right. But I would be killing two birds with one stone: I needed that bitch out of my way and Max would be very happy with her. She met his requirements perfectly: blonde; heart-stopping curves; fascinating smile.

Only Hellgirl could help me. I had to speak to her again and tell her about my plans. I summoned her by saying “Hey Hellgirl”, as she told me to do when we met. But she wouldn’t appear.

I called her twice, three times. All of a sudden, I felt a soft gust of hot wind on my face and a red light ball flying towards me.

- Greetings, Lady Leni. Hellgirl is now busy attending to affairs of utmost importance relating to the heating system of the so-called Underworld: our thermostat is broken. The temperature is dramatically dropping and one hundred million rebel devils have decided to orbit to the Sahara, which -as you probably know- is the hottest and driest desert in your planet. The rebels have threatened to stay there, living as nomad shepherds instead of doing evil stuff as they should, until the heating issue is solved. Hellgirl will join us as soon as her occupations allow.-said Percival, the tiny demon-.
- Greetings, Percival. I’m sorry about the riot and the temperature issue. I hope Hellgirl can solve that. You sound very formal tonight. –I said-
- I am a Brotanian Archduke. You're supposed to call me “My Lord”, bow before me and all.
- Come off it! I won’t! I already bowed more than I should before my Master when I was a slave in Gor. We’re not medieval roleplaying now.
- Hm. You say that because you’re bigger than me, bully!
- No, Percy. I say that because I think nobody is better than me, and I’m not better than nobody. I promised myself I would neither bow nor kneel down again when I left that world. I have dignity
. –I said, very serious-
- Hm… that sounds reasonable. But let's not be that dull. Look at this!

And he made his head spin just like Linda Blair did in "The Exorcist". He even improved the trick by making it spin like a propeller. He gave me the shivers, but it was impressive. I clapped enthusiastically.

- That’s very cool Percy. If you invested your nonsensical thinking time in finding out how to pay your debt to Hellgirl, you would be already doing the garden in your Brotanian summer cottage, instead of being a third-class tiny demon doing cheap tricks like that headspin.

I reckon that was real nasty. I should have never said that. He sent a shot of fire particles to my head at point-blank range that burnt my limp black hair.

- Have a perm, baby! How do you like it? –he chuckled-
- Ooooh give me back my beautiful hair! –I cried, holding my head-

Furious and not yet satisfied with that, he rushed towards me and started jumping on my head. I yelled:

- Hellgirl!!! Help!!!

Hellgirl appeared immediately. She was riding a fire horse, looking glamorously fabulous. Her shiny brown mane reached the middle of her back; kinda Lady Godiva but in a shiny red latex super tight dress, instead of riding naked. She looked stunning. As usual. She was very upset with Percy and me, for interrupting those important matters she was attending to.

- What’s going on here, Percy? Stop jumping on Leni’s head! And Leni, tell me, why is Percy jumping on your head? –she said-

She pointed at him, pronounced some satanic words and froze him into a small ice cube. Then, she threw some magic dust over my head and I recovered my usual hairstyle.

- Percy, promise me you’ll behave or I will put you in Bob’s fridge, with the chicken curry sandwiches and the green apples. –said Hellgirl-

- No way! I'm allergic to apples! -cried Percy-

Percy cried out for help. Hellgirl took the ice cube where he was frozen and made it melt. Poor thing. He was soaked through, shivering with cold.

-I'm sorry, Percy. I didn't mean to be unkind. That headspin was very cool. -I said, holding out my hand-

But he stuck his tongue out at me instead of shaking my hand. He was really pissed off.

- Don't be rude, Percy. You shouldn't turn down a peace offer from a friend. Now sit on the heater. You’ll get warmer. Leni, what is it you want from me now? You already have your man’s heart, right? –she asked-
- I think so.-I answered-
- What do you mean, "I think so"??? –she asked, angrily-.
- I think so, Hellgirl, he still makes me feel insecure!!! I can’t help it! -I babbled-
- Hrm. Is he the kind to tell you how much he loves you only when you’re naked beside him with his paws on your buttocks? I offered my help, but you didn’t accept. I'm sorry to tell you this: you're doomed to be always in fear, Leni. But you asked for it. So there you go, the sooner you accept it, the better for you.
- Hellgirl. Stop. The reason why I have summoned you here tonight is not Bob and me, but these boxers –I said, showing them to her-. They’re hexed. The Orsinian girl has put a spell on them and gave them to Bob. He's been wearing them for months. Any man who does will fall under the spell, which will make him speak with a strong Orsinian accent and fancy Orsinian girls. They must be delivered to Max, in Zantland. He won’t mind putting them on, as long as you give him what he wants: a genuine looking Orsinian girl. And it must be Tigerlilly, Bob's ex. She’s blonde; has big boobs; big butt; and is a real airhead. Maxi is not very demanding. I need your help to make him wear the boxers and draw a plan to seduce her. They must fall in love asap. Once this happens, I would most appreciate your destroying the boxers so that no one wears them again. Least of all Bob.
- You sound a bit desperate, Leni. May I add that your plan is… simply Machiavellian? So you're happy to put aside all your ethical considerations, as long as you keep your ice cold man beside you, right?

- Right. I desperately need to get rid of this thing –I said, showing her the boxers-.
- Leni, to be a friend of the devil’s minions is a privilege reserved exclusively to a selected few, who must carefully observe Hell's rules. And you’re designing a plan for me to direct the destinies of two humble mortals who are... say... disturbing you? It's not nice to have a human playing Supreme Being, Leni. It could break the power balance between those who are UP and the ones who are DOWN –she shook her head in disapproval-.
- I need your help! –I said in despair-
- And I’ll help you, dearie. But what will you give me? -she smirked-.

That was the toughest part. What in the world could I give her?

- What is it you want? My car? My house? These are my most valuable belongings. I'm not a rich girl -I said-

She was dying of laughter.

- Leni, Leni... don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb. These are not your most valuable belongings. I already have plenty of cars, houses, diamond rings… but you know I’m very short of souls. –she said, smiling a big smile-
- Hellgirl. My soul is not for sale. Ask for anything else. Do you like apple cake? I’ll bake loads of them, just for you. Do you want me to write a novel for you? I will.

Hellgirl cracked up with laughter.

- I’m allergic to apples. But I could be interested in the works of your imagination. What would you say if I asked you to write a novel for me? It should be published under my name, of course.

How strange that everybody would be allergic to apples lately. Almost as strange as having someone so interested in my novels. Percival took a pencil and a notepad, cracked up with laughter and said:

- Bwahahahah! Writing a novel! How funny is this! That’s way too easy! Anyone could do that! Even myself!: -he started writing with lightning speed and reading-

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

- Excellent literary work, Percy; what a shame Charles Dickens already wrote that in 1859 in “Tale of two cities”. I got you, clumsy plagiarist! Don’t mistake me for one of your aristocrat friends. You must excuse him, Leni. He’s got a bad brain day today. Where were we... Oh, yes, you were going to write a novel for me. That’s interesting. Let me tell you that I won't accept a shoddy piece of work, so you must rack your brains to write a best seller. How are you supposed to publish it? –asked Hellgirl-
- Hm. I don't know. I don’t have an editor yet. –I answered-
- You mean I have to take care of that too??? Jeez. You're keeping me too busy.

She was serious, thinking at light speed what to do.

- Listen: I have a cage full of editors at home that I'd love to get rid of. I’m particularly thinking of one of them who is a little bit difficult, but I'm sure you'll manage. So the deal is:

Firstly: I help you get rid of Max, the Orsinian girl and the boxers;
Secondly: You have six months to write a novel for me and help me get rid of that editor. When he publishes your work with my name I get the copyright and the royalties. You won’t be able to claim them. Is that okay with you?
- Yes.
- What a silly girl you are! And all this mess is just for love! I hope your man appreciates what you're doing, because no human male deserves this! Give me the boxers before you change your mind. This is what we’ll do. Percy, listen carefully:

Firstly: you will travel to Zantland to make sure Max puts the boxers on. Do not, under any circumstances, wear them. Understood?
Secondly: Then you will orbit Max to Orsinia, to the girl’s ranch. Make sure they meet. Give her this to drink.
–she handed him a small test tube with a glowing green liquid inside-. Max must be the first guy she sees after she drinks this, so don’t get on her way or she will fall in love with you on the spot and that’s not what we want. Then, let nature do the rest and come back to me with the boxers, to report. I’ll think how to destroy them. I’ll be watching you in my crystal ball.

- What will you give me if I do that? -he asked-

These two wouldn’t do anything for free! I already heard that before! Hellgirl scratched her chin, rolled her eyes, started thinking and finally said:

- Percy, if you attempt to accomplish this assignment… I will give you back your fantastic Brotanian Archduke appearance. –she said-
- Aww would you do that for me? -he asked-
- I would do that for you. But not before I check everything ends as expected. So I need your word for that. No messing around, ok? Can I count on you, Percy?
- Yes, Hellgirl. You can count on me. - said Percy-
- Can I count on you, Leni? -asked Hellgirl-
- Yes, Hellgirl. -I answered-
- Ok then. Let's meet up again next Monday with the results of our work.


(To be continued)




"Sympathy for the devil" (The Rolling Stones) .
(I heard some editors imprisoned in Hell love this song).

23 comments:

Fernando said...

Lo del termostato... eso sí que es todo un problema....

¿En las Sandwich del Sur sois todos así de raritos? (aunue mientras escribo pinenso que si sois todos así os veréis normalitos unos a otros y entonces el raro soy yo).

Anyway. Un beso.

max said...

Hi Leni,

It looks very cool for me, doesn’t it? But do I have to wear Bob’s Orsinian boxers??? Are they clean at least? I hope they are, lol.
Hm. Just like Mocky, I don’t touch other guys’ underwear either! But I guess I’ll have to wear these ones. Omg I’ve never done such a thing.

Leni, are you sure you want to write a novel for Hellgirl?Are you happy to be her ghost writer? That’s most unfair! But you offered, silly girl! Is Bob worth the effort? He better be, or I'll kick his ass myself!

Isn’t it too risky to give Hellgirl the rights of your intellectual works? I worry a lot about you. Having to write a best seller by devil’s request and with a deadline…
It makes me feel a bit bad.

And who’s that editor?

Great story, sweety. Don’t stop writing, I’m VERY curious. :)

Big big kiss.

Grass said...

Hi sis! I'm back from a road tripping vacation with friends.. I had fun.

Yayy, Hellgirl is back in action! But are you sure you want to trade your bestseller for Bob? I'm kinda worried about that.. After all, this bestseller (among your previous ones) can make you rich and famous. Hmm, just a thought sis.. before you do anything risky.. :-)

Love is such an amazing thing, isn't it? It makes you do some sacrifice, even if you have to sell your soul to a devil.. Bob must be good.


xxx Grass

s said...

interesting, very interesting ... and i am a bit worried tho. Not about your deal with hell girl: Im pretty sure you can write a best seller in a couple of weeks; but i am worried a bit about parcival. I bet hes the type of guy / demon that facks up alot. He can wear the boxers himself and make Tigerlilly his new mistress. Im very curious how this is going to end!

Whats the deal with apples? Maybe is originates from the time of Adam and Eve ... what if eve was allergic to apples ... hmmm

btw wb grass, hope you had fun on the trip

Grass said...

Thank you Mocky (I supposed..lol).. I had fun.. I'll be writing a blog about it later..

Yeah, I'm worried about the same thing.. If Percy messes up the plan, poor Max for not having the Orsinian girl and poor Orsinian girl for ending up with Percy instead.. hmmmm


xxx Grass

Leni Qinan said...

Hola Fernan!

No. Las rarezas no son más propias de las South Sandwich que de otros lugares.
Es que yo soy así. Más que rara, yo diría peculiar. Pero… ¿quién dice lo que es normal y lo que no lo es? Jajajaja.

Besos.

Leni Qinan said...

TRANSLATION FERNAN/LENI:

Fernan said:
That thermostat thing… is really a problem!
Is everybody so weird there in South Sandwich? –tho I’m thinking as I write, that in this case you all must think you’re normal, then the weird one is me-
Anyway. Kiss.

Leni said:
No. We´re not more weird in South Sandwich than abroad.
It's me, this is the way I am. Rather than weird, I'd say peculiar. But... who says what's normal and what is not normal, hahaha.

XXX.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Max,

Yeah I think things are getting better for you. Yes, you have to wear Bob’s boxers. Percy will wash them for you, lol. But make sure he doesn’t fuck up, he’s a teaser.
Oh don’t feel bad! I am not happy with the idea of becoming a ghost writer, but as per Hellgirl, my literary works are my most valuable posessions, so there you go. What else can I do to arrange this messy situation and make sure Bob is mine? Anyways, I trust I will be able to manage the situation.

About the editor… another one to come onstage. He’s so funny. Wait to meet him, you’ll like that one.

XXX.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi sis!

Nice to hear you had so much fun in your trip! Have you done your reports yet? Hm… do them, or I’ll have a few words with your boss, lol. (No, sweetie, that’s just a joke, I’d never do that!).

Yes, Hellgirl is back, and in her whip slasher mode this time! She was softer in her previous appearance, but now she won’t help me for free!!!

As usual, you hit the nail on the head, sis. Love is amazing. What I'm trying to bring to my readership’s attention is this: What would you be able to do for love? Is it possible to reach emotional balance in a relationship? How come sometimes we have the feeling that we’re receiving less than what we’re giving? The emotional strings are always complicated to deal with, don’t you think so? Intensity, passion, devotion… are the same for everyone?

Lol my previous bestsellers, hahahaha. I was chatting to a Norwegian friend yesterday –one of my silent visitors- and he asked me “Any publishing news yet?”. Well, I may start Hellgirl’s novel this summer, but to be honest at this very moment I don’t care too much about publishing. I should,

Anyway, don’t take things for granted, sis, with me… one never knows what will be the end of the story! lol

I’ll take your advice and be very careful, though.

xxx. Leni.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi my walkabout Mocky!

Aww you are most kind to me saying I can write a best seller in a couple of weeks, hahahah. You’re so nice! :)

It’s not the first time I write with a deadline. Birthdays are my thing, and some significant ones have received their story or novel. But the copyrights stay with me, lol.

The results have not always been as expected, lol –maybe they didn’t like it!-. Love is one of the emotions that motivates me most when I sit in front of my laptop and think… ‘I’m going to write’, so there you go.

About best sellers… you really flatter me, Mocky. I love to hear that. My brain works at warp speed these days, so no prob to produce a novel. Not so sure it will be a best seller, lol. But I’d be happy if you readers of this blog would like it. :)

Percival, you’re right, he’s a real fucker. Tigerlilly would prolly fall for him if she saw him in his archduke appearance –as you know, the Orsinians are lucky to have no aristocracy, yet they love all the celebrations and the glamour surrounding them-. Anyway, he wont have his stunning appearance if he fucks up, so he should behave this time, lol.

Apples… it seems somebody is allergic to apples, hahahaha. Yeah maybe it’s that Bible thing, but what about Whiteboy? I don’t think Adam+Eve had much to do with him, HAHAHAHA.

XXX.

max said...

Ooh thanks Grass! You’re such a sweet girl; at last someone worries about me!
Imagine, having to deal with that Percival. Is it safe? Jeez. I’ll kick his tiny ass if he doesn’t do his work properly!
I don't trust him at all! Hellgirl, send me the boxers by DHL! :(

Grass said...

Ooh shoot! I totally forgot about the reports sis! Gaaahhh Believe me, those places I visited were enchanted, they make you forget everything related to work! LOL


Emotional strings are hard to deal with indeed. :( That's because people have different techniques on how they love which parallel their personalities.. For this reason, you have to know deeply the person you love in order to understand how things work for him when it comes to emotional attachments. Maybe Bob has his own that may take a while getting used to...So don't worry sis, maybe he's got more tricks up his sleeve that will keep your heart beating faster and slower at the same time.. OOh, the romantic in me, speaking! LOL

Ooh, indeed sis.. You're full of surprises yourself which makes your blogs interesting and worth reading! :-) Keep up the good work! You have me hooked! ;-)


xxx Grass

Grass said...

You're welcome Max! :-) Just wait and see.. Percy loves himself too much that maybe he won't mess up the plan this time. :-) After all, Hellgirl did warn him of terrible things that may happen if he fucks up. LOL Keep your fingers crossed til then. :P


grass

Leni Qinan said...

Hi sis, sorry for the bad joke about your reports, lol, but I couldn't help it!

From the pics in your blog I can tell the place was really beautiful! I trust you! One day I'll declare I'm on strike -I'm sure the TV will come for an interview too- and I'll tell Big Cheese to find another Leni Q, 'cos the previous one will be gone to Paradise with you, hahahah.

You're right sis, getting to know each other. That's the thing. BUT it's a tough process, isn't it? And it takes some time. And adjusting is even tougher -even getting used to sleep in the same bed is sometimes tough, hahahah!

Desire and attachment. How to deal with this? On top of it: When you're in love, perceptions of reality lose accuracy -that's the problem with being in 'romantic mode', but you know that already it's so nice at the same time!).

Well, this is where Bob+I are right now. And to an important extent, as you brilliantly pointed out, this is what my stories talk about.

And I can't wait to know his tricks -if he has them- to keep my heart beating faster and slower at the same time... jeez I'll need a doctor, lol.

Good point, sis. As I said before, you always hit the nail!

Ooh, thanks a lot, sweety! I'm very glad to hear you like to visit and read!

Big big kiss. (bedtime for me now!)

Fernando said...

Por cierto, la canción que acompaña al post.... AMAZING. Una de mis favoritas.

Muy bien. Un beso.

Leni Qinan said...

Fernan, me alegro mucho de que te guste la canción.

Sus Satánicas Majestades son fabulosos y nunca pasan de moda, ¿verdad? Sólo espero que no vuelvan a subirse a un cocotero. Es demasiado peligroso. Jajajaja.

Bss.

Leni Qinan said...

TRANSLATION FERNAN/LENI:

Fernan said:
By the way, the song that goes with this post… is just AMAZING. One of my favourite ones.
Cool. Kiss.

Leni said:
Fernan, I’m so glad you liked the song. Their Satanic Majesties are great and never out of fashion, don’t you think so? I only hope they won’t climb again up a coconut tree. Way too dangerous. Hahahaha.

Kiss.

max said...

Sure, Grass! Thanks a lot for your support!
I hope Hellgirl’s threats are effective, because I am real scared if Percival fucks up (I could end up dating a female elephant from the Orsinian zoo, or even married to a whale! Urgh!). I’d better knock on wood. ;)

tom909 said...

So the story continues and your destiny with Bob drawers ever closer. I can only sit on the sidelines and hope for the best for you - I don't know why Leni, but I just don't trust the guy. I suggest once you have him all for yourself you trap him well and good, or he'll be gone.
The voice of doom speaks!
Cool song LQ - not heard that version before.

s said...

lol max! I can already imagine your children hahaha

Grass said...

Hahaha Max! I hope that never happens.. I mean, my god, max+elephant offsprings.. Mocky is laughing his arse off just thinking about it.. I guess I am too..LOL

Peace! Mwah.. Dont worry too much about it.. :)


grass

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Tom!

Yes, the story continues. I am not sure you’re hoping for the best of me, lol.

May I ask you the reason why you don’t trust Bob?
((Let me tell you a secret: I am not at all used to put so much efforts in a guy. It has always been rather rather the opposite, but hey, I’m a modern girl, I don’t mind moving my ass to trap him ‘till I am exhausted)). You’re certainly a doomthinker, lol.

I’m glad you liked the song. I knew you would. I was just trying to show some solidarity with the devil’s servants, sometimes overloaded with work! hahaha.

The video was taken at the 2007 Slane concert (Slane Castle, Republic of Ireland). Just a stone’s throw away, lol.

Big kiss.

max said...

Mocky: I’ll get the Elephant lady and Miss Whale to take precautions, right? Or I’d better get the condom jumbopack. Can’t afford to feed such a huge offspring with my skynny salary. Hahaha.


Grass: I am not very keen on shagging different animal species, to be honest. But should the occasion arise, I hope they would get my domineering genes and look just as handsome as I do. LOL.

You two smartypants. Grrrr. Hahahaha.