Sunday, July 6, 2008

Tell me lies, I will survive

Honesty is certainly an overrated virtue. Especially when our significant others (s.o.) are concerned. Do we have to be absolutely sincere with them? Do we have to tell them everything? Or we better keep something to ourselves?

In other words: do we have the right to not share some pieces of information in order to avoid complications? Life would still move on just the same if some of the data saved in our hard drive would remain stored and veiled in secrecy.

I’m pretty good at keeping secrets. But I have a hard time keeping my own and often fall into the unbearable temptation of sharing them.

Have you ever experienced the uncontrollable desire of telling your s.o. about something you should never confess under any circumstances? If so, welcome to the club. You probably know by now that disclosing the information was pointless.

This is how I found out:

I knew some day I’d have to tell Bob about my strange visitors before he would start asking and blaming me for not trusting him. Not to mention the huge amount of anger and annoyance if he ever discovered the whole thing.

So I decided to wait for the right moment and tell him about it. It took me two weeks.

- Stay with me this weekend, Len. –he said all mushy and cuddly-
- You'll get an overdose of me. –I said-
- We’re like ships that pass in the night. And it sucks.
- I’m sorry about my schedules, but there’s nothing I can do about it. You know I’d love to spend more time with you.
- Stay with me this weekend, then
–he insisted, putting his arms around my waist-

I was not very hard to convince: I immediately agreed to stay. And there I went:

- Bob.
- Len.
- Gotta tell you something.

This sentence always sounds like the solemn announcement of some unspecific terrible event happening on the spot. The effects on the recipient are often scary and devastating.

He became pale as a ghost; took a step back and asked:

- You became a lesbian.
- No.
- You’ve met another guy and you’re leaving me.
- Nope.

He scratched his chin; stared at me; raised an eyebrow and asked, really worried:

- I suppose you’re not pregnant.

In all honesty, I was tempted to say ‘yes’, to give him what he deserved. The smartass. But that would have been just temporary fun. My supernatural visitors would still be a pending issue.

- I’m not supposed to be pregnant if I don’t want to. And I don’t want to.
- Good. Then what is it you want to tell me?

I didn’t know how to start.

- I see things. –I whispered-
- What kind of things? -he asked-
- Super natural people. –I said quickly, and closed my eyes-

He stared at me, dumbfounded.

- Don’t scare me, Len.
- It’s true!

He smiled, gasped and shook his head in amazement.

- You mean… you see dead persons, like the boy of “The sixth sense”?
- Not exactly. I see supernatural beings.
- What do you see? Vampires? Zombies? Gnomes? Leprechauns? Little green men?
- No, not that. I actually see mermaids, aliens, angels and demons. They sometimes visit me.
- How often do you see them?
- Oh, I see them all the time. They’re everywhere!
- You mean they’re here???
- No, not now.

He was dumbfounded and I could understand that. He took the remote control and started changing channels frantically.

- What are you doing?
- I’m looking for Trailer Park Boys. Or My name is Earl. Or The Osbournes. Or Married with children. Anything gross; cheap; seedy; hyperrealistic. Anything from this fucking real world. –he said, staring at me-.

Apparently, he was taking his time to react. But he was about to blow a fuse.

- You’re taking the piss out of me, right? –he asked-
- No, Bob. It’s true.
- You mean you see ghosts and hear voices and all? You have visions? You talk to dead souls?
- Not exactly, but...
- Have you been smoking dope from my marijuana window boxes or something?
- No. I know it sounds weird, but I’m very serious about it!

He took his time to say:

- The truth is I’d prefer that you would be pregnant, rather than fucking nuts.

I gasped.

- That was really below the belt, Bob. I don’t think I wanna hear more. I’m going home. –I said, very disappointed-
- Ok. Do as you please. –he said, focussing on the Trailer Park Boys episode-
- Yeah, good riddance!

I took my bag and rushed out, really pissed off. When I arrived to my place, Hellgirl was sitting on the couch, having a beer and watching TV.

- Oh, hi Leni. Come in, sweety. I’m watching “Little Burdishland” on the telly.
- Good for you. Make yourself at home, if you haven’t yet.
- Uh oh, do I detect some bad vibes here?
- I tried to tell Bob about you. He said horrible things and now he thinks I’m nuts.
- I’m very sorry to hear that. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell him. Have you made some progress with ‘The Burble’? By the way, you didn’t get it.
- What?
- ‘The Burble’. “Where silly people with big beards talk shite and they have speed boats with animals that can't swim and stuff”.

I sighed deeply.

- I don’t know, Hellgirl. Sometimes it takes me half an hour and a splitting headache to understand what this guy is telling me.
- He meant ‘The Bible’. You would have got it if your pronunciation didn't leave a lot to be desired, dearie. You sound more Southernese every day!
- I’m not Burdish native, so it’s fucking hard for me to pronounce and understand sometimes. I’ve done enough learning four languages and now it turns out that I can only speak English like a Southernese, French comme une vache espagnole, Spanish like double Dutch and Sandwichian like Tarzan.
- Hm. That’s not true. But I won’t say anything. You're going through a bad patch. It's just one of these days...
- Yeah don’t talk to me, ‘cos I’m not okay.

I locked myself into my bedroom. I was looking at my image in the mirror, when it became all covered with steam and I had the strangest conversation with some unknown being from the other side. The dialogue started writing itself on the wet surface:

- The best victory is when the opponent surrenders of its own accord before there are any actual hostilities... from Sun Tzu, “The Art of War”. It’s best to win without fighting.

It looked like there was somebody I couldn’t see writing on the other side of the mirror.

- How do I win here without fighting? –I wrote back-
- Even if you wrote that book it wouldn’t mean much actually about how you will perform as a writer in the future. Don't burn yourself out in battles. Final success is your best victory. “Indeed, when armed with the know-how, the commitment, the perseverance, we can actually do our part to avoid misunderstandings and reduce the conflicts that could unwittingly and needlessly plague our lives.” Remember that.

The steam vanished and so did the text in the mirror. I took my laptop and started writing.

Hellgirl opened the door and asked ironically:

- Leni, tell me you’re not writing “The Burble”.
- Grrrrrrrr. No. I’m not.
- Hey! You write your diary twice or three times a week just to entertain your regulars and e-readers. I want to see my book finished before the end of this summer. Your mind needs to be pure. No issues. No confusion. Do some retail therapy; go topless on the beach; go to concerts; go to your favourite clubs or take a fucking break. But write my book!

Then, she vanished. As usual.

Then, I went to bed thinking how to rebuilt my life; write that book; get rid of my ghosts; my nightmares; my slave drivers. And how to win my wars without a single fight.

"Take a break, take a fucking break" (Najwa Nimri)


max said...

I second you. Some stuff is better kept silently sleeping in the depths of our brain.
Some things are not to be shared, especially if they hurt others and don’t have a special relevance to our lives.

I still think you’re wasting your time with that crappy bf of yours. He’s not fit to tie your shoelaces; he’s unable to realise what he has in front of him.

Life is sometimes a battlefield and Sun Tzu is not at all obsolete, as JJ brilliantly pointed out in his comment to your last post. Try to win your battles without a fight; it’s good advice. I’m sure you can do that.

A fucking break? From what? I hope it’s not from this blog! Comeon. Don’t scare me.

Grass said...

I agree with Max and you sis.. We have to keep things sometimes, for self-preservation.. what they don't know won't hurt them, and it applies to you as well.. what you don't know won't hurt you.. so sometimes it's better not to ask for the truth.. or give the truth when we know it's going to hurt us, or well, your loved ones..

I'm not happy to know that Bob treated you this way.. but I guess he was just too freaked out with what you said.. I hope he gets over it soon and you become friends again ;-)


p.s. yeah, don't scare us by taking a break.. what will life be without leni??? ;-)

s said...

2 blog post in 1 day :D (atleast for me), nice!

I would have thought Bob would be more understanding about the whole situation. Its kinda disappointing to read he wasnt openminded. Calling you nuts is low. Mentally sick, ok, but nuts ... :P
Maybe you have to try to inform him some more, maybe not. How does he think about the supernatural and stuff? Is he openminded?

Dont get stressed out now, babe. Remember, one can never win a battle if the stresslevels are too high.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Maxi!

I totally agree. It’s like when you see in a TV film that hubby told wifey he had an affair some years ago with his PA. The guy feels terribly sorry and he thinks the best he can do is tell his wife.

These sudden fits of honesty. Look at me. Sometimes I’d better keep my mouth shut. I’ll never learn.

So my crappy bf. What am I supposed to say back to him?

Thanks for your support, though. I appreciate. We’ll see what happens. Maybe that’s the one break I need. I’ll let you know.

Right, life is a battlefield sometimes, Max. I don’t know if I can win my battles without a fight –you know I’m a natural born fighter, but not today-. So as you implied… yes, I desperately need to study a bit of Sun Tzu’s. ;)

Leni Qinan said...

Hi sis,

I can see most of us agree on not telling everything as a way of protecting ourselves and the others.

Bob lost self-control this time. I guess his beautiful and organised life has been disrupted since we met. I am somehow a strong element of chaos.

This is what often happens in a relationship. You can either put up with that, adapt or not. We’re both in that process.

I don’t hope we can become friends again –actually, I thought we were a lot more than friends!- :)

No, sis, I’m not taking a break from the blog, don’t worry. I can’t live without writing and I am already too used to meet you readerships in the net and I just love it, so you won’t get rid of me so easily, hahahah! ;-)

Leni Qinan said...


I never post twice the same day: Yer late, real late, that’s why you had 2 posts today!

I realise it must be real shocking to listen how your gf says “I see things”. Obviously he’s very skeptical and got a bit nervous in that situation, but sometimes that acid sense of humour hurts. And Mocky, I didn’t like ‘nuts’ but ‘mentally sick’... lol. My guess is that I should have never told him about that.

I have a plan, though –I always have plans, hehehe- to make him understand what I mean. But that will be after I take a short break from him.

About my stress levels: Big Cheese and Big Shot are taking good care to keep’em well up, I’m afraid. I expect more relaxed days within 2 weeks, though.

I know you care, and that’s so nice. I really missed you.

Len. ;)

zoe said...

I'm sorry, but being a potty-mouthed Brit, all I can say about your bf is "what a wanker". I apologise about that but really, he was rude and out of order.

My bf thinks I'm bats talking to myself in the mirror, but I think he's mainly referring to the crap that I come out with ;)

Leni Qinan said...

Welcome Zoe!

It’s a nice surprise to see you here, because I have known you for a few time now. But I was a bit quiet and shy. You knew that, didn't you? ;)

You can swear as much as you want here, so no worries for the vocabulary.

Thank you very much for your solidarity. Far from plagiarizing your wonderful blog, allow me to say that my bf is a twat -too-, (I really like the title, and the contents!) so I’m taking a break from him until he apologizes as he should.

((Men… why won’t they ever understand what happens on our side of the mirror?))

Take care. :)

JolietJake said...

I tell my s.o everything, always have done that. I've been burned in the past and I've burned those who told me everything.

Prefer to be burned for being me than to be worshipped as Leper Messiah. It took a long time but I'm finally with someone who doesn't make my excuses. That's why I cleaned up my act.

Leni Qinan said...


That sounds very honest to me.

She’s a very lucky girl. If you have a twin brother, please let me know . ;)

JolietJake said...

no twin brother but I think I might have a split personality, can you use that?

Leni Qinan said...


Wow, a split personality! Dare to dare me! :)

JolietJake said...

that's what I thought. This is the thing; JJ get's along well, but the other guy is not really that nice. People say he's nice but he isn't, he's just devious and manipulative.

Leni Qinan said...

So it’s J and J’ –I suppose- what makes JJ’s personality complete. :)

Hm… That sounds very interesting…

The nice guys are fine, but everybody knows here that I have a soft spot for the bad guys. So tell J’ he’s invited too. We can always have a nice fight on moonless nights –but not the Sun Tzu style- ;)