Sunday, October 26, 2008

Blind distrust

Since Captain James Cook imported from the South Seas the famous Polynesian word and it became an integral part of the English dictionary, the strongest social prohibitions received a new and genuine name: Taboo.

Breaking taboos can be considered objectionable, abhorrent, disgusting, loathsome, obnoxious, offensive, repugnant, revolting -and any other discrediting label you might think of- or even prohibited by law and severely penalised.

Luckily, some taboos from the past have already become old fashioned. The line that should never be crossed moved forwards and now many people –including you and I- are regularly stepping into the strict yesteryears of prohibition forbidden land. But those generally known as “common courtesy taboos” have nowadays more to do with etiquette and polite society than with prohibition. And unless you’re a political correctness freak, you probably ignore them as much as I do.

The word ‘taboo’ itself inspires a mishmash of ideas and controversies in my mind: uncertainty, embarrassment, unbearable curiosity, insecurity and … either acceptance or rejection.

(So now kids, run away before it’s too late. Don’t say I didn’t warn you).

Sex and taboos are often linked together. As long as there are adults consenting, whatever is done behind closed doors is their own business. And although an endless list of sexual acts is no longer considered taboo nowadays, there are still others that haven't quite made the transition into mainstream just yet.

I like to recreate my favourite taboos through fantasies. I adore them seasoned with a little kinkiness, if possible. Like dressing special; using gizmos; some slightly dirty talk; impossible positions; and a little roleplay, to make it funnier and more enjoyable.

But I’m not as kinky as you may think. I’m not a variety freak either. Yet Ed thinks I am. He mistakenly thinks he has to break every rule and do something new to me every single time we have sex, to keep me satisfied. If he just knew it takes so little to make me happy.

That fine Friday afternoon, after the leather jacket episode, I saw myself involved in a very surrealistic situation -for which I was entirely responsible- that started when Ed texted me this message:

“I loved what you did with the jacket. Come home tonight for more fun”

That sounded promising. I wondered what he had in mind.

We agreed to meet at 8PM at his place. I drove to the outskirts. Ed’s house was beautiful, but sometimes it looked to me like a haunted mansion. That evening there was something very ghoulish about it.

As usual, I was greeted by the ghost butler opening the door. We had our regular conversation for the tenth time that month:

- Good evening Ms Qinan. –he said-
- Good evening, Stoicescu. –I said-
- Please, be so kind as to come in. Lord Davies is waiting for you at the library.
- Thank you, I know the way.

When I entered the room, Ed was pouring himself a glass of whisky. It was very dark and warm too. There was a big piece of wood burning in the fireplace and the weak light projected macabre shadows on the walls.

- Hi sweety. Come in, please. Can I get you something to drink? –he asked-

I don’t drink normally, but I felt I had to accept this time.

- Hi, Ed. I’d like a whisky on the rocks, please.-I said-

He poured it in a highball glass that he handed to me.

- This is to thank you for what you did to me yesterday night, honey –he said, smiling-.
- What did I do to you yesterday night? –I asked, very intrigued-
- You don’t remember?
- Ehm… no.
- In bed.
- What did I do to you yesterday night in bed?
- You really don’t remember?
–he asked, surprised-
- No, what did I do?
- You spooned with me and started stroking me and squeezing my dick. I couldn’t sleep anymore, but I liked it.
- I must have been asleep, because I don’t remember having done that. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it.
- Excellent. That makes it even more genuine and true.

I laughed.

- I wonder how did "Dick" become a nickname for "Richard"? I always found it very funny.
- I grew up already knowing the name “Dick” before I started using the lower case beginning word. Hm... have you ever thought what might happen if Dick were to meet Fanny? I'm pretty sure they would get on very well together.

We laughed.

I gulped the drink nervously. I was asking myself what he had called me for. I assumed it was not just to thank me for having squeezed his dick the night before with dedication and natural ability.

‘Come home tonight for more fun’, said his message. My glass was nearly empty.

- Want a refill on that, honey? –he asked-

I should have said ‘no’, but I nodded instead and he poured me a second drink. I started getting drunk. The whisky was enveloping my head, taking me over. He could have done whatever he wanted to me.

I still can’t remember how we got from there into his bed, probably due to my drunkeness. We shared his pajamas: he stripped to the waist and offered me his shirt. A woman always looks hot in a men’s pajama shirt, bare legs, nude buttcheeks, and the guy looks cool just wearing the pants, his torso naked.

I put my nose into the palm of my hand and breathed deep. I got a shot of male feromones directly into my brain. He had that special scent. That brought back a rush of memories and my subconscious started playing tricks with me. I vaguely remembered the night before… but not a trace of me squeezing anything.

- I want to tie you up, Leni. If you… want that too, of course. –he whispered-.

I hesitated for a split second. I had never done that before. “So what? –I thought-. There’s always a first time for everything. He wanted a little domination… “Ok, let him have his fun” –I thought to myself-.

He was staring at me, waiting for an answer.

- Ok, why not? –I answered, not totally convinced, nodding… ‘yes’-

He left the room. Five minutes later he was back, bringing two pairs of handcuffs, a blindfold and a rope.

- Are you sure you want to do this, sweety? Just for fun, as a game. –he asked-
- Yes, I’m sure. –I said, too fast-
- Lay on the bed, then.

I was going to do that, when he ordered:

- Naked.
- Oh, ok
–I croaked-

Sometimes I find it real hard to say ‘NO’. And ‘NO’ is one among these words I would never dare say to him. Yet, I slowly walked over on trembling legs and sat down on the bed, as I removed the pajama shirt.

He tied the blindfold to my head so that I couldn't see anything. Then he took my right hand, pulled it back to the bed’s headboard and opened one of the handcuffs with a tiny key. I started worrying. I was not comfortable with the bondage kit.

- You won’t be able to see what to expect now, baby. This will enhance your remaining senses. And you will focus your attention on sound, smells and physical contact. –he said with a low voice-

OK, but…

What if he secretly wanted to film or photograph us having sex without me knowing? I would freak out.

What if he suddenly felt dizzy, fell backwards and hit his head badly in the middle of that? I would remain there for days until someone could report to the police about our disappearance and the cops would finally find my smiling skull and naked skeleton tied to Ed’s bed, his corpse laying on the floor without a trace of violence. Hey, that would be fun, wouldn’t it?

What if I hadn’t noticed his hidden sadistic side and I didn’t realise he was a psycopath serial killer who would do to me any imaginable horrible thing you could conjure up on the spot? That would be very fun too.

He had locked the handcuffs around my right wrist and headboard bar. He took then my left hand and pulled it back to the opposite side of the bed’s headboard.

- Are you completely sure? –he asked-
- Oh, yes. –I said-

My voice quavered as I spoke. I struggled to calm down and pretended I was feeling good. But no; I wasn’t. Moments of terrible doubt were appearing.

What if he was a dominating alpha male who enjoyed having violent sex with submissive, indulgent, defenceless, little females like me?

What if he was a bloodthirsty criminal disguised as a beautiful harmless editor who would lock his victims in the basement to kill them them after having given them ruthless, cruel, endless tortures?

And there I was. Naked on the bed; handcuffed; blindfolded and soon tied. It could be just a roleplay game, but I couldn’t control my wild thoughts. Suddenly, paranoia became so intense that I started asking myself why the hell I gave my consent to that game and thinking I was into serious shit.

I had heart palpitations and flashing visions of my blood splashing the walls of the room; I started sweating; I breathed painfully. When he tied the rope tightly around my ankles I yelled in panic; arched my back; kicked my legs into the air, trying desperately to escape. He was in shock and immediately stepped back.

- What happens? -he asked, very alarmed-
- Untie me, please, you're scaring me!!!

He quickly unlocked the handcuffs. I removed the blindfold, took my clothes and dashed out of the room. I got dressed hastily on my way out through the corridor and left the house without even saying goodbye.

When I arrived home I felt horrible. He must have thought that I was such a cockteaser. I couldn’t explain my sudden panic. And what was worse, I felt terribly stupid.

It was almost midnight when he called me on the phone.

- Leni. –he said-
- I’m sorry, Ed. I panicked, I don’t know why…
- It’s ok, never mind.
–he said with a low voice-.

I sighed with frustration. I flushed with embarrassment. I tried to find the words but really, I couldn’t say anything.
- I have disappointed you. -I whispered-
- No, honey. You haven't. But I asked you three times if you were sure about that and you said 'yes'.
-I don't know what happened to me, Ed. All of a sudden I became paranoid and...
-You don't have to explain. Just learn to say ‘no’ if there’s something you don’t want to do. I won’t be disappointed if you refuse to do something I ask for. I hate nagged sex. That’s forcing. And I would never force you. Sex is not just always pleasing our partners, you know? You shouldn't have to do anything you don't like just to make a guy happy. There are better uses for your time and energy.

He put the telephone down in sadness and annoyance.

My mouth tasted sour. I couldn’t stand the pain.
Love takes hostages and I realised my life wasn't my own anymore.
I wrapped myself into the blanket, cried quietly in bed and drenching my pillow with tears, fell asleep.

“The streets of love” (The Rolling Stones).


Nahuatl said...

Its alright Leni.

But since communication is important, we should learn to say no. It save us so much trouble.

I hope things get better. :)

Roberto said...

- What a beautifull fantasie, Leni: taboos.

Not because prohibitions, but because imagination can do.

- What a beautifull sport: breaking taboos...but you have to be sure!!! really sure!!!

- What a beautifull disappointment: do not be able to break taboos; your imagination still can goes on.

(...but if you have got it, what a lucky you have been)

Grass said...

The ghoulish aura of the house had probably caused your paranoia, like in "The House of Usher" by Edgar Allan Poe. But, yes, sis, it's okay to say NO. I think ED is the kind of guy who would understand. You know what, you can probably condition your self into doing something unconventional, but TRUST is the key. Doing new things is never fun if you will end up in hospital or worse, cemetery. So if ED knows what he's doing (after all, these kind of things apparently needs expertise), and if you're ready, there will always be a NEXT TIME.


Cheer up sis. :-)


Grass said...

BTW, I could feel my baby laughing at your idea of police finding your skeletons in ED's room.. LOL That was a classic! LOL Sometimes sis, I don't know what's going inside your head. LOL

Fun blog despite the sad ending. :-)

max said...


Ed is right: it's important to say NO in time. He played fair.

I just think your insecurity made you panic, because I know you'd enjoy these little games, as long as they're harmless.

But as Grass has just said: If you REALLY agree on that, there will always be a next time.

Take care, little Padawan. ;)

max said...

I forgot to tell you I really loved the song. It shows well how you must be feeling. I hope things get better with Ed.

Big hug.

Anonymous said...

(* Bonjour à mon clin d'oeil *)

Braver les tabous et les interdits...liberté et interdit, la première étant à chérir et le second à proscrire !?

Il était une fois... " Parc Monceau " (Paris)
Deux jeunes tourtereaux qui s'aimaient d'amour tendre ...

Et de cueillir de jolies fleurs au beau milieu d'une pelouse interdite ,
Pour sa douce et tendre Dulcinée .
Mais voilà le garde !
-Hep !! Mademoiselle d’où viennent ces fleurs ?
-Savez-vous qu'il est interdit de marcher sur la pelouse ?
*Mais monsieur, c'est un ange qui me les a offertes !
-C'est ce jeune homme ?
-Jeune homme n'avez-vous pas vu le panneau ?
#Si ! Monsieur ,il y a marqué "pelouse interdite" je me demandais justement ,comment ont t-ils pu le placer là ??? Sans marcher sur celle-ci !

Et il tourna les talons.
Alors qu'il était TABOU de s'embrasser en public ,je l'ai tendrement enlacé et embrassé sur un banc public ! Comme dans la chanson...

Tant que celà ne présente aucun danger , Jusqu'où mettre une limite au plaisir !?
Nous sommes seuls à décider !

(*Tendre bise*)

Leni Qinan said...


Thank you very much for your comfort and support. Not being able to say ‘no’ to some persons and in some occasions is one of my weaknesses and worst flaws. I this case, it would have saved me a problem too. But I never expected to get in such a panicky mode, honest.

Ed is a very understanding guy, so I know things will get better between us.
Once again, thanks a lot for your support.

Take care!

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Roberto! And welcome again!

You’re right, imagination is one of the more powerful assets of our mind. It’s a wonderful toy, a treasure that may take you far just by daydreaming. But my imagination is a wild machine that sometimes plays awful tricks with my mind, just like it did this time suggesting terrible scenes.
Anyway, it’s very powerful and a basic tool for my writing.

I’m not a huge breaker of rules –actually I’m a quite conventional person but with a soft touch of crazyness (that’s important)-.

Big Kiss.

Leni Qinan said...

Jeez, sis… you’re right! Sometimes Ed’s house gives me the shivers, especially if it’s dark and that macabre ghost butler tries to make friends with me. E.A.Poe’s “The House of Usher” could picture very well the scenery of my panic.

As I said before, not being able to say ‘no’ is one of my worst weaknesses and brings me problems all the time, so I take your advice on that. I have to learn –I suppose it will be easy after I pronounce the word several times, haha-.

I’ve always thought that there were 2 basic requirements when it comes to play sex games: consent and trust. I’m a distrustful person at the beginning and my wild imagination sometimes plays tricks with my mind (as I said to Roberto), so here’s the result. I’m also easily frightened in these circumstances (the handcuffs gave me the freight of my life, maybe if he had used a silk scarf to tie me up things would have been much better, haha).

But he is a clever guy and as soon as I apologize properly for my irrational behaviour, I bet there will be a next time.

About my smiling skull and skeleton in Ed’s room… hahaha I find this image sooo funny (that’s a genuine black joke, lol). I’m very glad your baby laughed! He/she will have an excellent sense of humour, just like the future mom! ;))

Big hug and take care (don’t forget the vitamins & folic acid, sis!)

Leni Qinan said...

Hey Maxi!

I know, I know.
You’re right: I really enjoy these –and other- harmless little games, but I guess the sight of the handcuffs frightened me and that took me not to trust him. And I was wrong, because he’s a reliable guy and he played fair.

I really hope there will be a next time, Master Yoda. :)

PS.- I’m glad to read you enjoyed the song. The Rolling Stones are cool, and this song is so beautiful and sad.

tom909 said...

Sweet Leni, of all the people who I have ever been friends with, you are by far and away the most open in the way that you discuss the 'taboo' subject of sex. It has been a great education to me knowing that there is a normal person out there who is not hung up about sex.
Right on baby! It's good what you write - that story is so real I'm almost believing it


the mind and its tricks eh? one minute everything is fine and dandy the next your skin could be crawling...

great post. hope its not your last attempt at something different.

Leni Qinan said...

Bonjour Crabtree !

Ça me fait vraiement sourire parce que j’ai aussi embrassé un ange au Parc Monceau, à Paris. ;))
S’embrasser en public est un bon example d’un taboo qui n’existe plus (avez vous écouté la chanson ‘In France they kiss on Main Street’, de Joni Mitchell ? C’était encore un taboo aux années 80? J’étais trop petite encore pour savoir ça).

La limite au plaisir doit être toujours convenu et convenable. Et très agréable, sans doute!

(*une toute petite bise*) ;)

Leni Qinan said...


Crabtree said…

(*Hello to the apple of my eye*)

To challenge taboos and prohibitions… freedom and prohibited, the first one to cherish and the second one to banish?

Once upon a time, at " Parc Monceau " (Paris), two young lovebirds who loved themselves tenderly…


And gather nice flowers from the middle of a keep-off-the-grass park, for his sweet and tender sweetheart.

But the cop appeared on the scene!

-Hey, Miss, where do the flowers come from ?
-Don’t you know it’s forbidden to walk on the grass?
*But sir, an angel gave them to me !
-Is he this young man?
- Young man, have you not noticed the signpost ?
#Yes sir. It says « Keep off the grass ». I was precisely asking myself how could they possibly put it there ??? Without walking on it??

And he turned back.
At that time, it was a taboo to kiss in public. I held her tenderly and kissed her while we sat on a bench ! Like in that song…
While this is not dangerous, where should we set a limit to pleasure?
It’s only our decision !

(*tender kiss*)

Leni said...

Hello Crabtree !

It really makes me smile, because I also kissed an angel at Parc Monceau, in Paris ;))

Kissing in public is a good example of a taboo that doesn’t existe anymore (have you heard the song ‘In France they kiss on Main Street’ of Joni Mitchell ? It was still a taboo in the 70s ? I was too small to know that. ;))

The limits to pleasure must be always agreed and convenient. And very pleasant, no doubt !

(*tiny little kiss*)

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Tom!

WOW I really feel flattered! Thanks for calling me ‘a normal person’, hahaha. That’s a real compliment coming from you!

I know the way I see sex is quite uninhibited. Sometimes it may sound even flippant but I take it very seriously, honest.

I remember a conversation held some months ago with an experienced blogger. I was very frustrated because I didn’t have many comments here and he gave me precious advice about how to blog: ‘Firstly: visit and comment on other blogs. Secondly: add some sex to your stories’.

I never forgot that conversation -and many others we had-. So I took his advice, just tried to be faithful to myself and this is the result. ;)

BTW, this story could happen to anyone. (You better believe it, but I can confirm it’s nicer when you do it with silk scarves instead of handcuffs, hahaha).

Those who haven’t dreamed about adding a little fun to a sex session… raise your hands! (Can you see anything? I can’t!!!)

Take care.


Leni Qinan said...

Hi Voices! Thanks!

The mind is sometimes dangerous, particularly a wild imagination like mine combined with a little unjustified and irrational paranoia.

It's a lot more enjoyable when you relax and try to enjoy, with a partner that you trust.

And no, this is not my last attempt at something different, promised. ;)

ysfb said...

I tried to experience the freakier side of me. The girls just tended to be a little too freaky for me and a bit stalker like so I decided to not date them anymore, but I still have their number.

Leni Qinan said...


I think we all have a freaky side -not necessarily scary- that we don't dare to show. Just a selected few do it sometimes and as long as everybody is happy, I think it's fine.

PS.- You decided not to date these girls anymore??? Excuse me, but I don't believe you! LOL.

Mr Coppens said...

Wow you can really throw down a paragraph!
I wish that I was more adventurous but I can't afford to throw out my back or pay to rescind the restraining orders from Monica Bellucci's law firm.

Listen you need to keep a cool safe word for those panicky situations. Not too fancy though because it will be too hard to remember and you'll just end up flying into a rage and turning into SHE HULK!

Which might be sort of interesting?

Good Ole Mick eh? I'd prolly go see them again..they make me feel young and I still listen to their stuff..
oh sure mainly the catalogue from the 60s & 70s when they were still challenging the Beatles, but the competition was healthy and it brought out the best in them.

Fernando said...

Hi, Leti,

Great post, you know I m too much conservative to talk about these things. The old style. I guess I prefer... just practise these things...

Hi, Roberto, It s great to meet you here, how would I say?, so integrated....

Be careful, dont get into mischiefs!!

Roberto said...

Ja, ja, ja, Fernando, absolutely imposible avoid mischiefs for me.

And I notify you, Leni, I have taken double portion of vitamins.

Some of your photographs are unforgettables, as Tory Amos song.

I will waiting anxious your next dangerous story.


Leni Qinan said...

Hi Donn!

Well, this adventure of mine had an unwanted ending. About Ms Belucci’s lawyers… (*she prolly doesn’t know what she’s missing, lol*).

I heard about the safe word thing from a lady who was very much into bdsm –she told me what the regular procedure was for those who like that-. Not really my thing, but I must reckon it’s always useful to say the ‘Super-Cali-Fragil-istic-espi-ali-docious’ safe word before you get badly hurt or something like that.

I’m actually a lot more conventional but I just like to do some ‘field research’ sometimes. ;))

I really like the Stones –Mick Jagger was/is/will be quite something-. I didn’t witness their competition with The Beatles -I was too young when it happened-, but their wonderful music is there, still alive and kicking.

I hope they make you feel as young as ever, which is… real young!

Leni Qinan said...

Fernando, darling:

Thanks a lot for your comment in beautiful Oxford English (honest).

It’s nice to get your point of view here too –which I guess is quite the same as some of the commenters- (not everybody is as crazy as I am, trying wild games). I like to experiment sometimes, that’s all. But the point is… beyond experiments… everybody should know how to say ‘no’ when needed.

And hey, conservatives are welcome to speak here too :) it's nice to have some debate here.

((Yeah, I think Roberto is making himself at home here. I’ll get him into mischief very soon, hahahah (*laughs naughtily*).))

Take care!

Leni Qinan said...

Dear Roberto,

Just wait and see.

I’m glad to know you like the pics and the music (it’s an important complement to the story and is always related to it. I like to do some research in the net to get them –thank god we have google, youtube an myspace-).

So you’re taking double portion of vitamins? You’ll get double portion of danger then, hahaha.

Big kiss.

Anonymous said...

I always am there !
On the boulevard of the net one !

(*I do you several p'tites bises *)

Leni Qinan said...

And I know you're here, Crabtree. What would I do without you around in the net boulevard?

(*Some p'tites bises fly back to you*)


btw, where did you pull out the handcuff pic?

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Voices!

I pull all my pics out of Google or Flickr (I just google one key word and choose the one I think fits better with the text). I don't rememember exactly where the handcuffs pic was, because I changed the name when I saved it in my hard drive.

Feel free to download it from my blog and use it. It's not my property.

I have here some links to pics websites that you may like:

Leni Qinan said...

Uh oh, you meant the other one? (Nice butt+handcuffs?)
Oh, me of course, hahahaha. ;)

I hope you had a nice Halloween (*dashes out of the room waving with the handcuffs around her right wrist*).