SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Monday, October 20, 2008

Gummi candy

When I hear the words 'Generation gap' I never think of my granny. You know what I’m talking about: that notorious situation when older and younger people do not understand each other because of their different age, experiences, opinions, habits or behavior.

“Don’t trust anyone over 30” said –almost shouted- an old slogan of the sixties. It was certainly not as conclusive as ‘Power to the people’, ‘Make love, not war’ or ‘Be realistic, demand the impossible’ but it still pictures fairly well how this pattern works.

Despite my hippiecritical analysis, I must say that in addition to the number of years between generations, nowadays rock music and computer science seem to enlarge the separation between both sides of the gap.

But that doesn’t apply to my granny: With the exception of HAL 2000 -the evil machine of the book and film "2001: A space odissey"- she couldn’t care less about computers; least of all about the best rock bands in Sandwich (like Shagstore, Dr John and the Bamboo Dicks or Wanking Suzy and the Mohicans). She just thinks the island is full of horny people yelling like wilds pigs pretending they’re singing. That’s that. And yet, her 80-year old young brain is under continuous evolution.

We’ve always practiced the ‘live and let live’ thing, which means we’ve reached a level of maturity and understanding that enhanced our harmonic coexistance. But that day she called me on the phone and what I heard really puzzled me and made me think all her modern wisdom had evaporated.

- Hello sweety.
- Hi granny! How are you?
–I asked-
- I’m fine, Leni. How come you didn’t tell your granny that you became famous? –she asked-

Oh my god. Again that picture of Ed and me kissing in all the newspapers.

- Granny, I’m not famous. It’s that guy I’m going out with, the one who’s famous.
- Yay! He’s very attractive! And a real catch! I presume he’s the most sought-after bachelor in Sandwich! I hope his intentions are entirely honourable…

That question shocked me a bit, coming from her. She hoped his intentions were entirely honourable... what did she mean? That I should get from him a marriage proposal on bended knee after a reasonable time? Gosh... I never thought she would sound so old school! She had always been pretty open-minded and liberal about human relationships. I’m the only girl in the family and her youngest grandchild. I could understand why she would want to make sure I was dating a normal guy and not a freaking weirdo, but she was overdoing the protection.

- Don’t speak to me in code, granny. What do you mean with ‘entirely honourable’? –I asked-
- I mean he’s not toying with you, Leni. You’ve had failed love affairs in the past and I’ve already seen you die of sadness before.

I sighed. That was true.

- His intentions are entirely honourable, granny. He’s an upright and decent guy.
- Excellent. And how old is that cutie pie, if I may ask?
- Yes, you may. He’s forty five.
- Hm… isn’t he a bit old for you, sweety?

I just don't want to think what she would have said if I had confesssed he was 295 years old.

- Nah, that’s a very nice age! In the past I always thought of middle-aged guys as not eligible for a relationship. But he made me change my mind completely and now I don’t care at all about it. He’s in the prime of life and at the peak of his career.
- Leni, you're not supposed to know this, but these middle-aged men have their andropause. Cranks, fatigue, depression, anger, anxiety, loss of sex drive…

Eeeeek! My granny talking to me about sex! That's the last thing I expected to hear from her! It set my teeth on edge! Eeew…

- Oh, granny! I have seen none of those things in him!
- That’s excellent. And tell me… do you know if he’s been married before?

Wow. That question was a bit hard to answer. Ed married twice in his previous life, where he had been a well-known physician, so I had to be cautious and avoid further inquiries about his marital status, or my granny would soon find out about Ed’s supernatural origins just asking several sharp questions.

- What? Granny, we all have a past!!! Yes, he has been married before. –I answered shortly-
- So he has an ex… or even two. –she said, with an air of self-satisfaction-
- No, he was widowed twice.
- Oh my goodness me, poor thing! I hope he’s not too attached to the memory of his dead wives. –she said, sympathetically-.

I remembered when I was a student I dated this guy whose grandfather (who was the butcher in his town) was widowed four times. Yes, I also thought what you must be thinking. I made the predictable expected joke -'did he use the fine cutlery?'- but no: he was a very decent guy and an honourable family man -not Jack the Ripper's reincarnation-; but very unlucky, just like Ed was too.

- No he’s not. –I said, and remembered how he sent the ghosts of his two dead wives back to the underworld in summer, under strict instructions to stay there-. Granny, have I ever told you that you should be working for the FBI?
- Sweety, don’t get upset. Let me tell you this: I’m old and more experienced than you. If I could, I would protect you saving you all the time and pain. But unfortunately I can’t do that. Like Victor Hugo said, "you need courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones"; you have to learn for yourself. Maturing hurts. And living inflicts pain. The only thing I can do is give you some advice, if you want to take it.
- Sure, granny. I really appreciate.

- Then Leni, remember this: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; the essential is invisible to the eye. It’s not me who says this; it’s what the fox said to the Little Prince; you’ve read that book when you were a kid, remember? And it’s true as the night.

I smiled, though she could not see me.

- Are you still there, Leni?
- Yeah, granny. I'm here.
- Then, make sure his wealth doesn’t make him more attractive than he really is and tell me you’re neither under the spell of his high social status nor blinded by his world of luxuries; otherwise, passion will fade away soon, he will become completely unattractive and his funny jokes will sound flat and boring tomorrow.
- So all these questions of yours were a trap. You were testing me, right?
- Yes. You know I’m not an old fogey.
- Oh, good to hear. I started worrying about you when you asked me if his intentions were honourable. I thought you were going all prudish.
- Oh, no. But I’m interested in the honourability of his intentions too. And don’t avoid my question, Leni. Do you really love him?

As I was not answering, she said:

- Take your time and think of it. You’re the most interested person in knowing the answer to that question. Look for it, but remember: eyes are blind. You have to look at him with the heart.
- I will, granny.
- Bye bye sweety. Take care.

Some minutes later my doorbell rang. It was Ed, who was coming to my flat to collect the famous leather jacket. When I opened the door, he was leaning on the doorframe, dressed in a black suit and shirt, wearing a blue tie with a desing of furious sharks.

He smiled and bent over to kiss me. I closed my eyes and tasted him.

- Hey how is it going, love? –he asked-
- I was talking to my grandma on the phone. She asked me a lot of questions about you.
- Oh my god. Did I pass the test?
- I don’t know. She’s very demanding.

He stared into my eyes and I had to lower my look.

- What are these sharks? –I asked pointing at his tie-
- Don’t make them angry or they could eat you alive. –he laughed-

I went to my room and took the bag with the Hades jacket.

- This is for you, Ed. –I said, giving him the bag-.
- Leni, you’re unbelievable. What can I say? –he smiled-
- Say nothing. Just wear it. Enjoy it. And promise me you won’t lose it again.
- Of course, I promise I won’t!
- But if you did… I would find you a new one again; even if I had to move heaven and earth.

He took the jacket and had a close look at it, smiling with satisfaction.

- Put it on, sweetheart. –he said, handing me the jacket and staring at me with that look-
- Me?
- Yes, you. Who else?

I rushed to my room and undressed completely. I put on my patent leather high heels; my sexiest black undies; a garter belt; black stockings. And then, I wrapped myself in the black leather jacket.

I went back to him. I stood before him for some seconds, quietly looking into his eyes that glowed with the flame of desire. I slowly unzipped the jacket and took it off. He turned around me and had a thorough look. Then, he unclipped my bra with a fast move of his fingers and pulled my string down to my ankles.

He held me and whispered:

- You’re pretty safe wearing all that armour around your heart, aren’t you? But it won’t protect you from the dangers of my love. I know your heart is sweeter than gummi candy and I want it.




"Leather" (Tori Amos)

29 comments:

Nahuatl said...

Your granny is very sweet lady :)
Please send my regards :)

Fernando said...

Me encantó tu abuelita. Y el relato.

La viñeta del principito es de mi pasaje favorito, en el que el zorro le habla de domesticar las cosas, de la importancia de los rituales y pronuncia una frase memorable: Si no sé que vas a venir a las tres no podré preparar mi corazón...

Feliz semana.

Crabtree said...

"Mon p'tit clin d'oeil ",

C'est une grand-mère au top!
Parfaitement intégré dans son époque ,et qui exerce là son plus beau rôle, à la perfection !
Dite lui qu'un parfait inconnu l'embrasse respectueusement !

Mais il en est un qui a une chance inouïe !!!

(Une bise sur... la joue !)

INNER VOICES said...

damn... you go from granny phone call to leather boots... whew...
great post!!!

tom909 said...

Leni, your hippycritical comments are appreciated. The funny thing is that as you get older (or at least for me anyway) I don't actually realise that young people are looking at me and thinking I am some old guy. I really don't have any idea how old I feel, at least in my heart anyway - true, physically I can't work quite as hard as I used to.
Some things are timeless!
xx

Leni Qinan said...

I will give your regards to my granny, Nayan.

She’ll probably invite you to have a cup of tea and cookies in her garden, where it’s always sunny and warm.

Grannies are cool. They have wisdom, sweetness and patience.

They’re quite something.;))

Leni Qinan said...

Hola Fernan.

Muchas gracias! Qué te voy a decir de “El principito”. Yo lo leí de pequeña en francés en el cole, y me dejó absolutamente KO.

A mí también me gusta mucho el capítulo del zorro. Creo que lleva toda la esencia del libro: mirar a los demás con el corazón. Vaya mensaje más maravilloso.

Feliz semana también para ti.

Leni Qinan said...

TRANSLATION FERNANDO/LENI:

Fernando said...

I loved your granny. And the story.

The initial frame belongs to my favourite passage, the one in which the fox talks about taming things, and about the importance of rituals and he pronounces a memorable sentence:

But if you come at just any time,
I shall never know at what hour
my heart is ready to greet you. . .

Have a nice week.


Leni said...

Hi Fernan,

Thanks a lot! What can I say about ‘The little prince’? I’ve read it in French when I was a kid, at school and it knocked me out.

I also like a lot the chapter with the fox –I think this passage has the essence of the book: to look at others with our heart. What a wonderful message.

Nice week 2 u 2.

Leni Qinan said...

Bonjour Crabtree!

Oh bien sûr, ma bonne maman est chouette! Elle va aimer beaucoup le sincère embrace d’un fantastique gentilhomme français (recommandée par sa petite fille!). Un très grand honneur!

(*Ma bise sur… votre joue, à mon tour et un très grand sourire!*)

Leni Qinan said...

TRANSLATION CRABTREE/LENI:

Crabtree said...

(*winks*)

What a wonderful grandmother!
She's completely integrated in her time and who does perfectly her most beautiful work!

Tell her that a completely unknown man respectfully hugs her! He’s such a lucky man!!!

(A kiss on… the cheek!)


Leni said…

Hello Crabtree!

Of course, my granny is cool! She will really like that sincere hug coming from an awesome French gentleman (recommended by her granddaughter!). That’s a real true honour.

(*my kiss on… your cheek and a big smile, in turn!*)

Leni Qinan said...

Hehehe, thanks Voices…

Some fantasies and a little kinkiness are the spice of life, don’t you think? ;))

Leni Qinan said...

Hm… Tom… how did you find out that my hippycritical comments were dedicated to you? (*laughs loud*)

Hey, you're so young at heart! (not old, but experienced. It's different and much better).

Take care, my old hippy. ;))

Roberto said...

Hi Leni!!! Thanks for your story and your song. I know I will hear it a lot tonigh

Kss

Leni Qinan said...

(*falls off her chair, absolutely amazed!*)

Roberto! Welcome!
Thanks for visiting and commenting!
Nice to see you jumped off your ship to stand on solid ground for a minute!

I'm glad you enjoyed the story and also the song. Tori Amos has some nice ones -all in Youtube-.

Kiss. :))

Grass said...

Geez, what can I say, I also loved "The Little Prince" but my favorite part was when he was worried for his rose. Is it protected from harsh winds and such? I think your granny also thinks of you in such a way. She also want to protect you from getting hurt big time knowing what you had in your past relationships. She's sweet! I wish my grannies are still alive to call me up and ask how I'm doing with my life as well. Oh well.. but I digress..

Yay! You have succeeded in reminding me of that book by Anne Rice again. Your kinkiness had made a grand exit for this post. LOL Imagine talking about something as innocent as "the little prince" and then to end the post by the "the sexy princess".

Cheers sis!


xxxx

Tom Evans said...

I just stumbled across this site via a random train of comments leading all the way back to my own site. I don't normally have much patience for random writing but you kept me in until the end of this post, I enjoyed it! Thanks!

Do *you* really live in the Sandwich Islands by the way?!

QUASAR9 said...

Sounds like he's a lucky guy

QUASAR9 said...

last time I tried to give a girlfriend a leather jacket ...
hoping she might run upstairs and come back just wearing knickers and the jacket

All I got was - "I don't like it"

And man, it was a shit hot ladies leather jacket, 'beautifully' embroidered on the back. I jusy know you would love it.

I still have it, perhaps you'd like to try it for size.

max said...

Leni,

You don't cease to amaze me! That leather fantasy of yours is just amazing!

I totally agree with Grass: That was a very nice dose of kinkiness! He'll be eating out of your hand very soon, hahaha.
You're quite something!

Cool post, and I loved the song.

Big kiss.

....You Sick Bastard said...

Your granny seems like somebody I would love to hang out with. She'd set me straight and tell it like it is.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grassy!

I knew you loved this book. It really suits you. That part of "The Little Prince" with the rose is very nice too, and I really love the analogy you draw. That’s very sweet, sis! (*smiles*).

Oh, believe it or not, I’m not very kinky myself –I just like to add some imagination and electricity, use some toys, spice it with naughtiness and make it as fun as possible-. To try and find out what your partner may like always works, and sometimes results in a wonderful kinky night, lol.

(Gotta find that book by Anne Rice, “Exit to Eden”, I remember you mentioned it in the post where I told the world I had finished writing my ‘Diary of a slave’, lol).

Awww… the sexy princess (geez, you’re most nice to me…).

Take care. Big big kiss.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Tom E. (that’s a very nice name. Do you mind me calling you like this? I have another Tom commenting in this blog and I wouldn’t like to confuse you with my replies). And… welcome!

Thanks a lot for your comment. I’m very glad to know I kept you reading my story. I hope I can do that again in the future. :)
I’ve been visiting your site yesterday. I’ll be back again today

(*No, I don’t really live in the Sandwich Islands. I only live there in my dreams. Guess where I live in real life. Come back and tell me*) ;))

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Quasar9! Welcome! It’s nice to have a traveler of the stars here.

I’ve visited your lovely site briefly –I was terribly busy yesterday- but I promise to be back today.

Do you really think Ed is a lucky guy? Every picture has its shadows… I can also be a big nightmare, not only the sweet funny kinky girl of the story, hahaha. :)

Sorry to hear about your –I hope she’s an ex now- girlfriend and the incident about that beautifully embroidered-on-the-back jacket leather. What a lousy answer she gave you!

Oh, yes I’d certainly love that jacket, and I could try it, but hey, The Boss says “You can look (but you better not touch)” or Mr Ed Davies could kill you. ;))

Take care!

Leni Qinan said...

Hello Maxi,

I just couldn’t help it. I had to do something with that jacket;it was soooo tempting, I couldn't resist it. You know me.

If I had known that this post was going to be so successful, I would have written a bit more about the leather jacket. Now it’s in Ed’s wardrobe, but

I don’t discard doing something else with it again in the future.

And let me thell you this: that was not a dream, it actually happened. I really hope he’ll be eating out of my hand soon!

Big hug.

Leni Qinan said...

Hello YSB! And welcome!

Yeah, I bet so. My granny would love to hang out with you too –but she could be a bit dangerous, look at that fat cigar she’s smoking at the pic. It shows well she’s getting high-.

Anyways, you’re right: she calls a spade a spade. And she gives good advice, but she sometimes bites –I have that too-. So you better watch out! :)

Take care :))

Roberto said...

Hola my dangerous writer.

¿Absolutely amazed? ¿Falls off your chair? but you know I will follow you just where you let my ;-)

The only problem here is my poor english. I prefer you spending your time writing (dangerous things or, very dangerous things, better) than traslating me.

Ks, Leni. I really like this. I will read you.

Ghost Particle said...

granny :)

//- Leni, you're not supposed to know this, but these middle-aged men have their andropause. Cranks, fatigue, depression, anger, anxiety, loss of sex drive…// NO WAY!

excellent post Leni. What the eyes cant see, the heart might be blind too. But then we just know when someone is the right person. we just know :)

hugs n luv.

Leni Qinan said...

Hola Roberto! Welcome back!

Thanks a lot for visiting and commenting! And you can follow the Buzz Lightyear style: To infinite and beyond!

Hey, your English is not poor and I don’t mind translating your comments (it doesn’t take me long, and I still can do dangerous things after translating). :)

Big kiss. Come back soon.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Ghosty!

Sorry, but yes, it seems that guys have their andropause, or so says my granny. I just hope it’s at the age of 350 years more or less. ;)

I agree with you: when someone is the right person… we just know.

Big hug.