SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Stealing for nothing

I took the paperweight in my hands and the shop assistant said:

- It’s pure glass from space made art, madam. It was hidden in the inside of a meteorite that fell into the Sea of Japan five hundred years ago. –he said-

There he went again with his cock and bull stories. That big fibber could have very well thrown away the ‘Made in South Sandwich’ sticker just a minute before. His marketing skills were beyond question.

- Indeed, it’s very beautiful. And the origins are amazing. –I said, overdoing and pretending to believe all that load of baloney-
- Are you looking for a gift, perhaps? –he asked-
- Yes, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.
- May I ask whether the gift adressee is a man or a woman?
- Yes, you may. It's a man.
- How old is he? ... If you allow me the question.

No doubt the shop assistant had learned several taylor made speeches by heart, so that he could give them systematically to his different customers, depending on their age, sex or social status. And I had heard these same words before. Obviously, he didn’t remember me.

- He's forty-five. –I answered-
- Oh what a nice age. Right in the prime of life. May I ask what his profession is? -he asked smiling-

Grr... Mr. Shop Person was giving me the third degree again, using identical words.

- No, you may not. And I’d like that damned paperweight perfectly gift wrapped. –I said, very annoyed-
- It’s an excellent choice, madam. And it’s not expensive at all. –he said, paying no notice to my extremely rude remark-
- How much does it cost? –I asked, a bit concerned-
- Considering the material quality, the beautiful handicraft made by an anonymous Italian painter of the sixteenth century, and the unique lively exotic movement of the fishes… it’s a real bargain, madam: Only one million G.

Jeez, everything costed one million G at Breuninger’s! How could it possibly happen? I simply couldn’t afford that! I was pissed off. I looked at Hellgirl from the corner of my eye. She got my desperate message and started casting the old mesmerising spell on the shop assistant, as she snapped her fingers in his face.

- Oh shut your trap, will you? Now look into my eyes: when I snap my fingers you will be sound asleep. When I touch your shoulder you will wake up and not remember anything. One, two, three... you're under! –she said, as he stared into her beautiful glowing red eyes-.

The shop assistant fell into a profound lethargic trance.

- You heard it, big twat: Missy wants to have her gift nicely wrapped as a Valentine Day’s gift, so move yer ass. NOW. –said Hellgirl-

He shuffled along like a zombie towards the back shop, grabbing the paperweight with both hands. He polished it, wrapped it and put it in a beautiful bag. Then, he walked towards me, and whispered submissively: ‘Your purchase, madam’. I took the bag. Hellgirl touched his shoulder to wake him up; he scratched his head and looked confused; then she pulled my arm and we quickly walked outside, pretending nothing had happened.

- Hellgirl, I don’t feel good doing this. Poor guy. It’s the second time we rob him. –I said-
- Fuck him! He was going to steal your money, just like when we first came here! The end justifies the means, Leni.
- Not always, Hellgirl.
- Most times.
- Ok, sometimes.

I sighed. When I was little, I was told that stealing is wrong. But I must admit that I often practice that Machiavellic maxim: The end justifies the means. The results were that I had been a decent person until I started a kleptomaniac partnership with a devil woman and we were striking once again, after our successful Christmas robbery.

- Well, thanks anyway. –I said to her-
- That sounds a lot better, Leni. I hope Ed likes it!

And just as sudden as she arrived, she left with a snap of her fingers.

I went back home with the stolen paperweigh. I couldn’t sleep a wink that night. I was happy and excited as a child on Christmas Eve. The morning after I phoned Ed.

- Hi Ed, and happy Valentine’s Day! -I said-

There was silence.

- Same to you, sweety, though I think it’s… overdone, maybe sickly sweet and kind of cheesy, don’t you think?
- Ehm…
-I grimaced, as I started to think I had screwed up-.
- No?
- No.


There was a bigger silence.

- Oh, don’t tell me you had bought me a gift.
- …
-I sighed with embarrasment-
- Oh my god, you did. What can I say… I’m sorry for what I've said, Leni. I didn’t mean to be unkind, but I hadn’t bought you anything. I never celebrate V-Day. It’s so commercialised. I’m again in Orsinia, on a business trip, but I’m flying back to Sandwich tomorrow and I’ll send you the biggest bunch of red roses I can find.
- It’s ok, Ed. I didn’t expect anything, so no worries.

I put the cell phone down, uncomplaining and sighed. What a huge bucket of cold water thrown on my face. I was a bit disappointed, but I didn’t want to focus my rage on him. He was busy, after all.

I had to find a way to stop my enthusiasm; cool down; slow down before I went haywire; do my best to stop being so childishly eager and vulnerable; perhaps grow up; but more than anything, as Hellgirl always recommended, I had to learn to expect nothing and live with all these little things that were killing me.

So I tried to blank my mind without much success; I put my nightie on and summoned Hellgirl. It could be fun to meet her again. She appeared on the spot, hanging from my living room ceiling lamp, swinging back and forth like a trapeze artist.

- Did you get your V-Day gift? –I asked her-
- Yeah. Look. –she said, showing me a huge pink dildo-
- Oh, how nice. Just in case you missed him.
- Eek. I didn’t want any gift, so I kicked his ass. What about you? Did you get anything from Ed?
- Nah. I got nothing. He forgot. Actually, he doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. And I couldn’t even kick his ass, 'cause he is in Orsinia.
–I said-

Hellgirl softly landed on the ground, put the dildo on the table and sat beside me on the sofa.

- So you see, Hellgirl, life is so unfair; I would have loved so much to be in your shoes tonight; but the rich get rich and the poor get poorer. –I said, sadly-

- My dear Leni, listen: Here you have the living proof that Princes Charming and Knights on White Chargers do not exist. Believe me: when they are sure you are theirs, they turn into ordinary men who scratch their private parts in public, wear spaghetti-strap tank top, pick their nose, fart, burp and snore all night. But don't let it bring you down. It happens all the time. Love is such a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

I laughed loud.

- It’s true! Remember what my mom used to say: "Keep a man satisfied, and that will be the end of your romance; keep his heart struggling and he will follow you like a lost child". That's an unquestionable truth. Take careful note of that.

She almost convinced me, but I was reluctant to accept such a cruel best case scenario.

- Do you want me to send him a bad diarrhea? Endless nights coughing? Itchy armpits? Lice? – she asked-
- Come on, no! He just forgot, I'm not claiming for revenge, he really doesn’t deserve that!
- How unfortunate! You’re a bit of a softy, Leni. Ed should get his comeuppance someday. What are you gonna do with the paperweight, hon?
- Hurl it against the wall.
- Don’t. You may regret it: you told him you had something for him.

After a short silence, I had this idea:

- Listen Hellgirl, let’s forget about this day. I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse: What about having a snack while we see the last episode of ‘Lost’ on the TV? I think Sawyer will be running half naked all over the island, showing off his hairless chest. He has muscles all over.
- Sounds cool. It will be funny to see a gorgeous ape man for a change. I’m fed up with Satanic movies about vampires, zombies, werewolves, ghosts, witches and other freaks. Really, we’re more normal in the underworld than humans think.

We laid down on the sofa; put our feet on the table; laughed our heads off; ate compulsively all kinds of crappy snacks and candy; drank some red wine; cheered and applauded Sawyer the cutie pie every time he made appearance on the TV.

And this is how Hellgirl and I, dissapointed for opposite reasons, celebrated this year’s Valentine’s Day. I could let some steam off, unburdened myself and got it off my chest.

When she left, I took a marker and crossed out the 14th February from the calendar in a fit of rage, until that date could not be seen. I promised myself not to drop a single tear and to stop stealing for nothing.

I wished I could make a stone of my heart, but it couldn't be possible.

I still believe firmly in the magic of anniversaries, bubble baths, pillow fights, foot massages and other little stuffs that may help romance last longer in a healthy relationship.

Or perhaps am I sickly sweet?





This is what I listen to lately when I feel blue; this song will revive anyone.

24 comments:

Skeeter said...

Hi Leni,

Some things just cry out for attention like that. It's always an adventure :-)

Bet wishes,

Skeeter

Fernando said...

Hi LeTi,

I´ve enjoyed and laughed so much...

Can you tell Hellgirl to visit me for us days? My wife is going to go on shopping....

Have a nice week!

Grass said...

LOL, *laughs at Capt. Fernando*

I agree sis, maybe you should hook us up with Hellgirl so we don't max out our cards while shopping. :-)

No, you're not sickly sweet. You're a normal woman expecting for normal romantic things. But Hellgirl is right, sometimes we shouldn't expect too much from our partners especially someone as busy as your Ed. They told me that guys have difficult time multitasking and forget dates so easily. When Abner forgot to greet me on our anniversary, all hell broke loose.. LOL No, exaggerating.. I was as pissed as you were.

Machiavellian "The end justifies the means" is famous among communist or socialist humans. Love shouldn't be that at all. One shouldn't force love and anything that goes with it to a person. Sometimes it's just better that we get surprise once in a while. Who knows? Someday Ed will surprise you with something totally romantic, you'll be swept off your feet once again. or am I the one who's sickly sweet? ;-)


xxx

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Skeeter,

Ooh thank god someone who understands me! You’re right, love is such an adventure. You never get bored.

Take care. :)

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Fernan!

Is your wife the kind to use the credit card like a crazy yuppie who just got a mega huge annual bonus? Is she planning to shop for the week at the most expensive shops? Then Hellgirl is the person she needs. She will get her the best offers: everything for free.

Btw, when you say ‘have a nice week’ you mean you’re not coming back here until next Monday? LOL.

Nice week to you too and big extra hug.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grassy!

Hellgirl is the perfect shopping mate, so it’s a good idea to call her and save some money, hahaha. Though I warn you: she’s very nice, but has a bit of a bad temper sometimes.

About not expecting too much from forgetful multitasking men… you’re right, sis. But just as Skeeter said before, some things cry for attention, meaning it’s hard work to maintain love alive and kicking in a relationship. It’s a give and take, but basically an effort to be done(made) form both sides. Of course romance is not the most important, but in my opinion it helps a lot when it comes to keep the flame burning. Otherwise routine and disappointment may appear soon.

I often hesitate when it comes to get things (I don’t think that the end justifies the means, but as you can see, Hellgirl firmly believes it does, lol).

And no, Grass, you’re not sickly sweet; perhaps just as hopeless romantic as I am. ;)

Big kiss to U+Gugu.

Fernando said...

I´ve understood, LeTi. So here I am.

Big kiss.

max said...

Hi Leni,

Maybe you should consider that Ed is too busy maintaining his huge financial empire.

Or maybe you should find yourself another boyfriend who would really care for you and make you feel happier.
What do you think about it?

Kisses.

Grass said...

Ay Max. You are a pessimist.. LOL Find another boyfriend? As if that's ever easy! :P

But getting a perspective from a career guy like you is enlightening. Maybe we girls should try to look at things from a man's perspective so we don't pout and sulk in a corner when some things expected did not happen .. hehehehe

Am I right sis? Max? ;-)


Cheers everyone!

Leni Qinan said...

Fernan, thanks ever so much for your second visit here. It really made me smile. You know you’re always welcomed.
Now go back to work, will you? LOL

XXX

Leni Qinan said...

Max,

Don’t think I haven’t thought of it, but it’s not so easy. (*sigh*) :(

Thanks for the advice, I think I’m taking a break and enjoy a weekend out. This situation is really killing me.

Big kiss.

Leni Qinan said...

Grassy,

Max is a bit extreme sometimes –you already know him- but I know he cares about me.

And you’re right, it’s not so easy. It’s not a matter of just looking for a bf. There are feelings involved too. Nevertheless, to be honest, I’ve never deliberately looked for a bf, lol.

And sis, I’m not gonna pout and sulk in a corner expecting things to happen. Just wait and see. Some things are going to happen soon. :)

Big hug.

Roberto said...

Hi Leni and everybody. Is so nice to be here again.

I think I am in love with Hellgirl, but... are her eyes really red? Is no possible another colour? Violet, for instance?

It has been funny to know her and she keeps your blogg as fun as always.

Thanks for it and a rose for you (colour can be choosen)

Roberto

max said...

Dearest Grass and Leni,

I am 100% that if a hypothetical bf would ever leave you (stupid man to do that, btw) you wouldn’t be alone for very long. But I know very well this is neither your case nor the rest of wonderful female readerships here.

((Grass, thanks for your sweet words. I’m just a normal guy.
And I’m glad that you and Abner are happy, facing a magic future together))

((Leni, my crystal ball tells me that you’ll embrace celibacy until Ed shows again. Geez, I don’t recognize you)).

XXX

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Roberto! Nice to see you again!

(*chooses red rose, passion colour, smells the scent and takes a deep breath*) mmm… Thanks! Red are my favourite!

WHAAAAT? You’re in love with Hellgirl??? (*pouts and cries her heart out*).

Well, Roberto, let me tell you this:

Firstly, Hellgirl already has a boyfriend (known as Mephist the Great, the most powerful demon from Hell). He could scorch your hair just to hear you say that you’re in love with her.

Secondly, her eyes are red because she is a devil woman. No other possible colour, sorry.

Thirdly, she doesn’t go out with human guys (sorry again, but that’s the plain truth).
Sooo sorry, but I think you can’t escape me, lol!

Big kiss and I hope the sailing season waits for a while, until we can all enjoy your presence a bit more!

Leni Qinan said...

Max,

Thanks, you made me smile. Celibacy is fine, regardless of who will be arriving. I never thought of being ball and chain, lol.

Hugs

Grass said...

Awwww, Max thanks for the sweet words as well. Nah, you're a smart guy, I can tell from your comments here. And did you say Leni + Celibacy? I'm not sure that's gonna happen. LOL

Sis, I'm always looking forward to your entries. I'll probably die holding on to my laptop, looking at your blog.. LOL

xxxx

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grass!

Oh just wait and see how i become a nun! LOL
Thanks for your sweet words and support to my blogging and writing, Grass. I feel flattered to read them.
But please remember to eat, sleep, breathe, etc, hahaha.

Big kiss.

Fernando said...

And here I am for the third time i two days....

A kiss for the writer.

Mephist.... Take care, Roberto is a hard sailor... Don´t do silly things, Mephist, Roberto plays tougher than the rest.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi again dear Fernan! Now I see you didn't mean 'see you next Monday', lol

Seriously, it's always a pleasure to have you here, so come back whenever you please.

I'm sending another kiss.

Ooh I know my dear Roberto is a tough sailor :))
but Hellgirl is very much in love with Mephist (and he might sink Roberto's ship if he makes him jealous).

But no worries, I'm buying the violet contact lenses... it seems he likes them, I wonder if they'll look good in my eyes...

(*blows a kiss to Roberto too and waves goodbye whistling*)

Roberto said...

Ja, ja, ja, it is fantastic. I think I got my secret target ;-) Leni. You can be sure that I prefer another level of "dangerousness" ;-)

(OK, red roses then but two dozens now. You have been super in your answer)

Kss

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Roberto, dear,

You thought I wouldnt come back? well, here I am!

Thanks for the virtual roses (I love them, they smell like heaven and look as red as passion!)

So, are you ready to walk on the wild side?

XXX

Roberto said...

...Yes; I was born to walk on the wild side...forever

Dick said...

I enjoyed the story. I guess Leni is a bit soft, isn't she. Better not get involved with Hellgirl. lol.