SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Cows and old friends

That night I slept like a baby. I woke up from fuzzy dreams where my diamond ring was stolen by a scary gang: a joker, a minstrel and a buffoon, whose faces I couldn’t even remember.

When I opened my eyes, I urgently looked at my left hand and breathed a sigh of relief… the ring was still around my finger.

It was 8am: a critical time for my biological clock; it wouldn’t stop working even on holidays. I tossed and turned in bed. I tried to sleep again, but I couldn’t.

I checked the messages in my cell phone:

Mom asked: “Enjoying yourself, honey?”
I answered: “Enjoying the hell out of this place”

Big Cheese asked: “How’s that chickenpox thing going?”
I answered: “Still infectious: too many spots, bumps, blisters and crusts”.

My cell phone credit was doomed by the mobile operator, who relentlessly threatened: “Your 500-minutes-of-free-calls offer expired today; from now on, regular tariffs will be applied”.

I knew it was a no-reply message. Nevertheless, just for the sake of hitting back, I texted: “Thanks for reminding me that the poor always stay poor and the rich always get richer!”

Ed said nothing. I hadn’t heard from him for a while. He was probably busy, as usual; chairing the his huge corporation's Board of Directors; updating spreadsheets on his laptop; racking his brains trying to find out how to save one more cent per envelope at his great financial empire; or maybe topping off a cappuccino with a bit of caramel sauce, just about to savour it in his back garden, reading the morning papers while listening to Mendelssohn’s Sonata. Yes, that was him: a thrifty guy who enjoyed the small pleasures of life. This is how big fortunes are amassed.

I always believed in ‘quid pro quo’ and its hardcore version: ‘an eye for an eye’. So I had to fight hard against my natural inclination to let him know that he was too often in my thoughts. But this time, the rationalistic little creature in my brain recommended an alternative: “No contact? Then, no message”. It was time for him to take initiatives and make moves in our strange relationship, so for the moment I opted to remain silent.

Then I had a long, hot, relaxing shower. I always loved hotel amenities and toiletries; especially these small shower gel bottles in the bathroom. One of my favourite summer amusements when I was a kid –or rather a little monster on holidays- was to steal these mini-soap bars from the cleaning lady’s trolley.

I even stole the tips that my parents left at the restaurants when I was little. Funny how nobody ever noticed. But as I grew up, I realised that stealing from waiters and cleaning ladies was wrong and extremely unfair; so I stopped doing that. I changed my mind and decided I’d rather steal from those who were filthy rich instead. And after my initiation ceremony with Hellgirl, my criminal record grew with seasonal emotional robberies in Christmas and Valentine’s Day at Breuninger's. Too bad that my lover's criminal attempts were never corresponded in these special dates.

I got dressed and took the elevator upstairs to have my energy breakfast at the hotel terrace, beside the swiming pool on the tenth floor: big mug of milk and coffee; bread roll with butter and jam. Ham; honey; orange juice; cheese.

It was a sunny spring morning and the sight of the city from the hotel terrace was breathtaking. I took some time to read “The Mawi-Mawian Chronicle” as I quietly drank my coffee. To my surprise, the news was quite shocking:

“Public Health representatives speed up the 'Anti-topless Act' approval, in order to ban topless sunbathing on Mawi-Mawian beaches and prevent flu epidemics”. What a bunch of reactionary governors. That was the most idiotic piece of crap I had heard in my whole life.

“Alien visitors to Earth declared to have been abducted by a group of Orsinian scientists who experimented on them”. I had always believed that the aliens were the ones who abducted people and experimented on them, not the other way around.

“Popular twin cartoon characters, Cow and Chicken, finally get married!”. WOW incest and marriage between two different species! I had never heard of such thing before. What would their kids look like?

“Tooth Fairy goes on strike”. At last, one exploited tiny proletarian rose up against the dictatorship of children’s endless falling teeth! Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels would spin in their graves to hear their most famous rallying cry of communism replaced with: “Fairies of all lands: Unite!”

And last, but not least:

“Research carried out by the University of Mawi-Mawi City demonstrates that contrary to metaphysical naturalism and common belief, the Earth is flat”. How could possibly the rest of the world be so wrong?

It was not April’s Fools Day yet, and I decided to stop reading all that nonsense before I went mad. I walked downtown to visit the Cow Parade, the city art exhibit of life-sized cows from international artists, with auctions at the end of the event, benefiting charities.

The colours of this cow went very well with my dress, so I asked a native to take this picture of me.

Suddenly, I heard a man shouting at me from a balcony. His voice rang a bell, but I couldn’t exactly identify who he was:

- Hey Len!

I looked up, but saw nothing. I was shocked.

- Hey Len! Don’t pretend you haven’t heard me!

At that point, I really got scared and started running away, just in case.

- I'll give fifty dollars to the one who stops the shorty brunette in purple! –shouted the unidentified guy-

Four passers-by grabbed my arms immediately. I couldn’t move. I resisted, but it was useless. Two minutes later, silence descended upon the street.

- Hi, Len. Long time no see. -he said-

I turned back and saw that huge blond guy dressed with grunge clothing, who was giving fifty dollar notes to those who had stopped me.

He winked at me.

I immediately recognised his face. There was only one person in this world who would call me ‘Len’ at the top of his lungs: Bob Gaussman, the Great.




‘Time passes’ (Paul Weller)

20 comments:

Grass said...

Hehehe.. Now that's an unexpected twist in the end. And I'm not talking about the reappearance of a former prominent human in your life-i.e. Bob. I'm talking about gorgeous you beside a colorful cow. You hardly post your picture in your posts. .I'm glad you did. You look gorgeous as always. Nice dress too! :)

As for the ridiculous news from the island's chronicle, I'm not surprised anymore. You are in an alien planet that looked like planet Earth.. Hehehe. Geez, if the earth is flat, we'd be spinning out of the solar system like frisbees! Tsk tsk!

I'd like to abduct an alien too and experiment on mental telepathy stuff coz that would be uber interesting.. Unfortunately, they can read my intentions before I go anywhere near them. Damn! Hahaha!


;-)


xxx

ysfb said...

I say a lack of a tip is showing that the service was so good that you wouldn't want to destroy a good thing with money. Makes them feel used.

Crabbers said...

Hé Leni ! Oh oui oh la la !
Viva España !Beautiful !I am...
I am,without voice :)))

Crabbers said...

Heu! Molt gran bisous ;)

Leni Qinan said...

Hi sis!

Hehehe, thanks, my pic was a surprise reserved only to those who are able to read the whole story, lol. I’m glad you like the dress!

You’re very sweet and I really appreciate your comment on my picture; you know I’m very shy about posting my pics, but depending on the results I may be re-appearing soon. ;)

So you have already noticed I’m spending my holidays in Weirdoland, right? It could very well be an alien planet that looked like the Earth, lol, the only thing is that aliens look a lot like us!
I presume there will be even more awkward situations before my holidays are over.
(They’re also real bad at astronomy and physics: they still think the Earth is flat).

Telepathy with aliens could be dangerous, Grass. They could become too fond of a nice girl like you and definitely abduct you and take you to their planet!

XXX

Leni Qinan said...

Hi YSFB!

Good point! Unfortunately people are so materialistic that they don’t mind good things being destroyed all the time, LOL. Makes them feel wealthier!

Take care. ;)

Leni Qinan said...

Crabbers! Mon cher Crabbers!

Vous êtes le même Crabtree de toujours, n’est-ce pas mond cher ami?

(*brings a cup of hot tea to help him recover his voice*)

Mais c’est seulement moi… la meme Leni vous envoie encore des ptits bisous. ;)

Leni Qinan said...

Crabbers:

Oui, MOLT MOLT GRAN!

Leni Qinan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
max said...

Leni,

Tell me, honey: why can’t you just spend your holidays in the Greek Islands instead of Weirdoland? This island is extremely dangerous –natives=real freaks-.
And now, Bob. Freakest among the freaks. I can see what will come next, LOL.

I know you’re picky with your pictures, but why don’t you post more of these ‘ugly’ pictures of you? (you’re looking really cool here!).

And last, but not least: Thanks for the song. I love it, it’s so nostalgic! I’ve been a huge fan of The Jam, The Style Council and –of course- Paul Weller.

Big hug.

Skeeter said...

Hi! Always something strange and new there, but especially so on April Fool's day. Great fun.

Best wishes,

Skeeter

Leni Qinan said...

Max,

I nearly fell off my chair when I heard that you were a mod in your good ol’ times, lol.

I don’t spend my holidays at the Greek Islands because I’ve already been there on a cruise. I wanted to go beyond the borders in the regular maps… aah, the borders of my imagination.

XXX

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Skeeter,

Yeah it’s April Fool’s Day, a bit anticipated. ;)
Some people do crazy things all year long.

Take care.

hanny said...

Hi Ms. Leni!

My, my, what a surprise! A ring?? Are you engaged with Ed now? Oh my gosh, I've been gone so long I feel like I missed a lot!!!

I wish I could find some time to read the previous posts I missed..bummer!!

Well, it was good to you on here!

Miss yah!

Regards, Hanny

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Hanny! Long time no see!

yeah, a ring, but with these strange people one never knows. Life has many turns and twists.

Nice to hear from you again! The other day I heard about a huge volcano eruption and I thought of you! I hope it's far away from you.

Take care!

hanny said...

Thanks for the sweet thought but we live far away from Mt. Redoubt plus there's alot of mountain ranges along our area.

There was another eruption this morning that canceled all flights in and out of Alaska. It's been 6 days now and we're hoping it's gonna stop soon.

I guess I just have to check again later for more update on the ring..lol that reminds me of thhe stupid movie.

Leni Qinan said...

Phew! That's a good thing, Hanny.

The uncontroled forces of nature are amazing. I really hope it stops soon and things go back to normal.

Hehehe, there will be a lot more about the ring... just wait and see.

What stupid movie you mean? Lord of the rings? No that was not stupid at all!

I bet you mean 'The ring' (but that means a phone call, doesn't it?). Hmm... now I'm intrigued.

Take care with these wild volcanos. ;)

Anonymous said...

Bonita foto, y bonita canción :)
Bss!!

Eri said...

Bonita foto y bonita canción :)
Bss!!

Leni Qinan said...

Eri... ¡te he pillao! :))

¡qué sorpresa verte por aquí!

La foto es de cuando estuvo por aquí la Cow Parade -hay un comentarista (Roberto) que las tenía en la puerta de su casa en la calle Ibiza, y echamos unas risas con eso, así que las vacas están aquí un poco por su culpa-.

La canción es fantástica. Es del disco 'Stanley Road', de Paul Weller, ex-Jam y ex-Style Council -por cierto fue su cumpleaños hace poco, es Tauro como tú-

La canción me trae unos recuerdos maravillosos de unas vacaciones de invierno en casa de un novio en Inglaterra... (*suspiros*)

Bss y buen finde!