SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Monday, June 29, 2009

Talented social escort needed

Hellgirl was very serious when she described the social background and situation of the South Sandwich Islands and the reasons why I should change my expectations about finding a new job.

- As I recommended before, Leni: you better swallow your pride. I've known people with a background as brilliant as yours who had no choice but to become garbage collectors. I have seen homeless folks looking for leftovers in the dustbins at night, when dinnertime’s long been passed. I've been in Cardboard City, where five hundred people live badly by the river. And I’ve seen a few ones there who had lost their jobs but were too arrogant to accept anything less than what they had before. And yet you hope to hobnob with the plutocrats, the politicians, the ambassadors and the snooty guys you used to work with!

My goodness me. What a rant. Hellgirl started sounding like a Union activist. I looked down, unable to speak.

- Your professional situation is critical and you must react! Change your way of thinking. Now. The sooner, the better for you. –she continued-
- I know, I know! –I said, in panic-.
- I’m going to help you, Leni. But don’t tell me that you want to become a best selling author or a successful solicitor, because that can’t be possible for the moment. You’ll have to make some concessions and accept things that you would have never accepted before. Nevertheless, I have something interesting for you. Let me find my crib sheet…

I expected she would want to take my soul too. She threatened to do it in the past, when I desperately asked her to help me recover my ex-boyfriend, Bob Gausmann.

- What will you ask for, in exchange?
- Believe it or not, I won’t charge you this time. I never take advantage of the people in need.
- You sound a bit of a Robin Hood now.
- Don’t take offence but there are better souls to take than yours, Leni. You would be a total failure in Hell if I ever recruited you and I have to safeguard my reputation or I will be ejected from the Psycho Bitches from Hell’s Council.

Help from Hell. That was very funny, indeed. Whenever she came up with a great idea you should get ready for the worst. She dug in her right pocket for that crib note she had just mentioned and started reading.

- Let’s see… The first job in my list is very interesting and creative: would you like to be a gogo girl? How do you like it?
- No way.
- Why not, silly? You have a wonderful sense of rhythm. I saw you poledancing last year at Max’s wedding while everybody was sloshed, and you were great!
- I didn’t go to college to end up poledancing at a disco, Hellgirl.
- Come on! You would look great in a tight silk lame minidress. It’s a decent and very respectable job. And it’s well paid.
- I don’t doubt it.

- Well, don’t be so picky then. You said you didn’t want to become a waitress at the King of Sandwich, right?
- That’s right.
- Then, wait. I have some other job offers here… how about becoming a chicken sexer?
- Eek!
- Braille translator?
- Braille is not one of my skills.
- Forest fire lookout?
- They have to climb high towers and I’m afraid of heights.
- I see. Rodeo clown?
- I’ve never ridden a horse.
- How unfortunate. Would you like to be a worm farmer?
- That's revolting.
- Twister chaser? Dog walker? Cigar roller?

That wasn’t funny anymore.

- Hellgirl, aren’t there any normal jobs in your list?
- Yes Leni, and I have one that will be perfect for you.
- Then, please tell me about it.
- My good friend Demonius High, one of the best solicitors in the country and the owner of the most reputable and well-respected firm “High, Low & partners, Inc.” would be interested in hiring your services.
- Exactly what for?
–I asked, distrustful-.
- Jeez, Leni, you’re unemployed and hopeless. Anyone in your same situation would give their right arm for this job, regardless of what it would be. Don’t be fussy now.

Solicitors from Hell: just to think of them scared me out of my wits.

- I don’t trust lawyers. Least of all from Hell.
- Why not? What have human lawyers got that their Hell’s colleagues haven’t?

My answer would have offended her, so I didn’t utter a word.

- Demonius won’t hire you as a lawyer but as his Personal Assistant. –she said-
- Hm… that sounds good. And what does he want me to do?
- He needs to fill an important vacancy in his business. It requires good looks and excellent demeanor, diplomacy, personality, energy and friendliness to foster customer’s loyalty. You’ll get a sports car, a very exclusive designer’s wardrobe, a free iPhone, your own corporate business card and a generous budget for your business expenses.

I couldn’t believe my luck and smiled happily. Naively. Silly me.

My greed for “status” blinded me to the point that I started asking her a bunch of stupid questions. I hadn’t realised yet that I was simply not in a position to demand the best job in the world. I still couldn’t see what was coming.

- Will I have my own office? Fringe benefits? A parking place? –I asked-
- You won’t need any of those things. –she answered calmly-
- Will I have my own team? An assistant? Powers of attorney? Oh tell me what it is! I’m so impatient!
- You’ll be a social escort, Leni. The salary is excellent. Your incall rate will be around 1000 G per hour. But you may earn a lot more, depending on your talent. Your customer’s portfolio will include aristocrats, celebrities, artists, top politicians and rich tycoons. You will make more money than you ever dreamed in your whole life and will be able to maintain or even improve the standard of living you’re enjoying right now.


That was simply crazy.

- Wait. I won’t shag Demonius High’s clients.

She laughed loud.

- Stop acting like you're Miss Innocent. You're no longer chaste and pure. Your shagging history is rich and varied, darling. I got your number!
- But that doesn't mean I'm a high class hooker!

- Right Leni, but you're naughty and disinhibited, and you'll do fine. It’s not a dirty job; it's just another kind of job. Please consider it. You’ll be rubbing shoulders with the cream of society. Basically, you’ll just work on dating and sightseeing services with the company’s visitors, to make their stay more enjoyable. That's all. If you’re good, your clients might tip you generously and you'll end up with huge amounts of extra money. You won’t die for trying.

So that was the small print of the agreement: to be a VIP slut for "High, Low & partners, Inc.".

- Consider it as a temporary job. Maybe this will help you take a decision. But you don’t have to answer now. Sleep on it and tell me tomorrow.




"This is the day" (The The)

20 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The cream of society aren't necessarily shagable. A better idea might be to walk up to rich men you fancy and tell them you need $10,000 dollars for something. If they refuse, offer to sleep with them.

Nihal said...

To be a social escort?
Well, there's always a dark side to anything. We always get the rosy pics but don't see the other side of it. To what I knew, it should be actually a very difficult job rather than being a talented one in every way.

If I'm not wrong, you'll be expected to perform various jobs to provide men with the satisfaction and pleasure that they seek from their escorts.

Think twice before making up your final decision, sweety Leni:)

Leni Qinan said...

Mr Bananas,

Where would I be without your wise suggestions? ;D
That's excellent advice. I'd just need to sleep with a rich guy once a month to pay my mortgage instalments. I may need a second shag for pocket money, haha. If i work overtime I may even get rich!

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Nihal!

Sure, there's no such thing as a free meal, like the small print in the contracts.

You're right, Nihal. A social escort entertains people, supposedly dating while the visitors are in town. But there might be other requests, you guessed it.

The decision is on its way.

mutleythedog said...

I for one make it a point of principle only ever to have sex for money,,,,,

Leni Qinan said...

Mutley,

I bet the World Association of Social Escorts will nominate you Man of the year 2009 just for that. I would give you my vote!

Leni Qinan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
max said...

Uh oh, what a difficult decision to take Leni.
This serves you well for having business and making friends with the people from Hell.
Keep us abreast of events.

PS.- What will your Ed think if you accept the offer?

Leni Qinan said...

That's a good question, Max. I think I should wear a mask or something, so that he doesn't recognize me. Sandwich is a small place.

I will keep you informed. ;D

mutleythedog said...

Oddly I know Sandwich quite well, though Ham is meatier...

Leni Qinan said...

Mutley,

You can always have Ham Sandwich. It’s quite meaty.

But take care. It's so delicious that you risk to stuff yourself. ;D

Nihal said...

Leni,

Sounds great! Is it really your going to meet up with fellow bloggers?! How fun it will be. I'm jealous:)
Me, I haven't met any one from this land so far.

Well, I sincerely hope you won't be disappointed, and you'll have a great time meeting everyone:) To be organized in a ship is a bonus, awwwwesome. Maybe we'll be your lucky readers to read what you'll experience during your meeting.

Will be thinking of you. Take good care of yrself. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy Sugarheart.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Nihal,

I'm very excited about the bloggers' meeting and I know this will be a great experience! It's the first time I cross the line from the blogsphere to the real world.

And yes, we may have a little journey on a nice ship and a nice stay in the north. It will be great! I'll let you know about it.

Big hug!

PS.- Never say never, everything is possible in the blogsphere! ;D

max said...

Leni, the picture of that little girl grabbing the three dolls is great, it's pure greed!

PS.-And a great song of the 80s. I love it.

Leni Qinan said...

Thanks, Max. Kids are so greed and honest. Nice to hear you liked the song! I like it too!

Grass said...

That would be like working as a geisha.. You didn't mention if you needed to study dancing and singing in purely shrill and nasal voice in the manner of Japanese rock! lol

What was Hellgirl thinking? Did she expect that you'll accept this kind of job? Btw, it was a great move from her to offer you small time jobs to big time job like the escort work. hahaha.. it's like she had you cornered that you have no choice at all.

I agree with your readerships here though. Maybe you only need to literally escort the cream of society (made me think of cows actually) to functions and not necessarily shag them.. say, their trophy girlfriend for the night.. hehehe..

Think of the money sis, then think of Ed.. then think of yourself. Who or what is your priority? ;-)


xxx

p.s. and sorry if i've been quiet lately, my in-laws came over to visit Gugu and me.. I'll be posting again soon. :-)

rebecca said...

Leni, Leni, Leni.....

Oh Leni! Some high-society/rich men can be quite unattractive - both in the physical and personality sense - and can also have some pretty questionable personal traits. You sure you want to strike this deal with Hellgirl? Methinks you should think again!

((abrazos))

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grassy!

I'd have no problem with the escort job if it really meant to 'literally escort' these guys. I've done a lot of entertaining foreign clients for work already, showing them around and escorting them to the gates of their hotel and it's totally harmless, unless they get drunk, LOL. No honest, i never had a single problem.

But this time I'm afraid the wonderful payroll asks for something on exchange. I'd like to think Demonius High's customers are a bunch of adorable impotent grandpas who just want to have some company, but I'm afraid this is not the case, so I'm working hard on a Plan B for this kind of contingencies, because I'm not happy with the idea of working as a geisha. (I shag for free, but I always choose the guy, LOL). Oh my, that was really naughty, but that's the way it is for most women, don't you think no?

Of course, Hellgirl offered all types of shitty jobs to convince me (she's wicked, isn't she?).

And last, but not least... yes, I think of Ed, but right now he's a bit out of reach. (*sigh*)

XXX (4 U and Gugu)

PS.- you've been missed, but don't worry. I hope you enjoyed the days with your inlaws.

Leni Qinan said...

Oh Rebecca,

I presume the biggest charm and appeal in a rich man must be his money. Just wait to read more.

((As you said in your last wonderful post... this story is not what it seems))

Yes, I will think and think twice and even thrice; I'll put my thinking cap on to set up a plan. Hellgirl's deals are always the same: you can never win. But I always fall in her traps.

((abrazos))

Sayyed Nasir ,from Cigar Roller said...

Lovely painting........i like them.