RIP Big Cheese

I left Leonard’s Royal Penthouse Suite and walked back home, after having unveiled Demonious’ intentions of blackmailing and extorting Leonard. I definitely refused to partake in something so wicked.

On my way home, I was shocked to see in a news stand Big Cheese’s photograph under the captions of “The Sandwichian Chronicle”.

The headline read:

“TOP EXECUTIVE GETS FIRED FROM PHILANTROPIC CORPORATION"

I immediately bought it to read the surprising news.

“Corruption accusations against Harry Balls, general manager of the Dumbass Industries until yesterday, ended up in his devastating dismissal, demanded unanimously by the company Board of Directors. Balls has been indicted on corruption charges that have led to his professional ruin. The former top executive of the Dumbass Industries will face charges of fraud, obstruction of justice and lying to judge Handgun, who leads the investigations. Information from reliable sources state that Balls could face over ten years in prison for the above mentioned accusations, which he claims to be calumnies…”

Oh man… so Big Cheese was in Big Shit now, swelling unemployment ranks, just like me!

“The harder they come, the harder they fall” sang Jimmy Cliff.

When I realised his reign of terror was finally over, I danced like a monkey and clapped hands in the street. The Unions would be celebrating as well, to be sure. And yet, his loyals would continue to think that there was a black hand devising a secret plot against him.

I just couldn’t resist taking my cell phone and dialling his number in a fit of rage.

- Hey. Harry. –I said-
- Hey. Q. –he said-
- I’ve read the news. Did you like the taste of your own medicine?
- Q… what the fuck???
- Tell me, have you lost your virginity now? Go fuck yourself!!!

What a sad end to a story of loyalty and honesty that started ten years ago. It was the 28th of august 1999 and I had a job interview with him at the Dumbass Industries headquarters.

I was half an hour early. He was half an hour late, as usual. Unpunctuality was one of his outstanding characteristics, together with unpredictability, tyranny, arbitrariness and that invisible harmful dash of cruelty. But I didn’t know that yet.

I can still see myself sitting on a black leather sofa, in the waiting room, on the sixteenth floor of the Dumbass Industries’ main building. I had carefully chosen my best outfit: a white shirt, black designer’s miniskirt and high heeled red shoes. I carried my wallet and keys in the big Valentino handbag that I reserved for special occasions. During the long wait, I suddenly spotted a run down the front of my left stocking and panicked.

Half an hour later, an old secretary announced that Mr Balls had finished his meeting with the Chairman and would see me right away.

Bullshit. He hadn't met the Chairman. The sod had stood me up for half an hour, only to show me who was THE BOSS.

I entered his office and he kindly offered me a seat. He slowly read my curriculum vitae and asked me to tell him about my professional track record in detail.

I described my first job as a trainee at the Orsinian Telecomms Company; my second job, also as a trainee, at the Zantlander Engineering Corporation and then my last job at the Bank of Zeewland, where I was working as a financial analyst for the moment.

There I had a lazy boss who overworked me every morning with all the things he didn’t feel like doing, but I never complained about it. It was a nice job. I travelled, home and abroad. I had learned a lot. My colleagues were nice.

- So tell me… what’s the reason why you’re looking for a new job? –he asked me-
- I’d like to advance my career and have a better salary, sir. –I answered, naively-

He stared at me and his eyes glowed like a bright crimson red, as if he was about to shoot me with his laser beam eyes. He looked… demonish.

- Miss Qinan, your cv is excellent. Your academic background is impressive. And you’re fluent in four languages too.
- Thank you, sir. I’m Sandwichian by birth and of Italian descent. I learned English as my second language and attended a Zantlander school. That's why I'm quadrilingual. -I explained-

His eyes glowed again and he took a deep breath.

- We’re interviewing several candidates for this position, Miss Qinan. So don’t be discouraged if we don’t call you for a second interview: in all honesty, the competition is fierce. If you’re discarded, I’m sure you will find a good job real soon.

That strange comment sounded to me very much like ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you’. So if you’d ask me, yes, I was totally discouraged and convinced that I had been definitely discarded. We shook hands and I left, thinking that I would never hear from him again.

But I was wrong: One month later, when I had lost all hope, the Human Resources Manager of the Dumbass Industries phoned me for that second interview and offered me the job. It was very well paid. I would have many responsibilities and a lot of power in the company. I would be promoted immediately if I proved I was worthy. Of course, I accepted.

That day I was not aware that my professional future would be an ordeal that would take my health away and make me fall to pieces a few times: Overtime. Rants. Being shouted at. Stress. Pressure. Fear.

Harry Balls knew very well how to scare the hell out of his employees to squeeze them dry. He never hesitated when it came to infamously sack a worker, whether it was a senior manager or a junior clerk.

He had a few enemies and everybody hated him, myself included.

He never worked, rather brilliantly mastered the fine arts of delegation as he played minesweeper, solitary and pinball in the three monitors on his computer desk.

“It’s not me who works for you, Q, but you who work for me”, he would go when I’d turn to him if I’d get into difficulty.

He paid well, but the price was too high.

I hunted for a new job several times, but none of the head hunters that interviewed me ever called me again when they knew that I was working for him. I was always eliminated from the list of candidates. So I had to accept that my professional fate was dead sure stuck to his.

So RIP Big Cheese. I wouldn't miss him. As the Union guy said,

What goes around comes around.
You have to sleep in the bed you make.
He who ives by the sword, dies by the sword.
You do the crime, you do the time.

It was time for me to make a radical change in my life. I couldn’t go on averting my gaze when I came across old colleagues, stealing food from the supermarket, tearing to pieces the eviction notices I had received, or giving the slip to the Tax Collector’s Office. My face would be soon well known among the most famous tax evaders in Sandwich and the rest of the southern hemisphere.

And suddenly I had this great idea: I would disappear and start a new life somewhere, seeking complete anonimity. I took my backpack, put some money and clothes inside and headed to the Grytviken harbour.

So there would be no more Hellgirls, Demonious Highs, Leonard Ellisons or Harry Balls. Too bad that there would be no more Ed Davies either. Or at least that was what I presumed.


Berlin ‘Barclay James Harvest’