Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Farewell at the Tiki Bar (I)

It was a lazy rainy Saturday evening at 7:00PM. I was watching TV when the phone went.

- Hi, Len!

I knew immediately who was calling. Nobody else calls me Len.

- Hi Bob! How’s things?
–I asked-
- Just fine. And how are you?
- Perfect, thanks.- Wanna meet up?- That would be lovely.

We had met downtown in a park some months ago; he was asking for directions; I was walking my dog. Nobody was helping him. I thought he deserved some attention and after I explained to him which way he should take, we had a very pleasant chat and ended up playing Lego at his place. He was an architect. He had a hundred box-building sets containing a zillion bricks and scale models of all the buildings, bridges and dams he had made. When he finished the skyscrapper, he prepared two cups of coffee and rolled a pair of blunts to celebrate Skyscrapper's Day.

Since then, we had been going out as friends for weeks. We used to go dancing, playing or simply chatting. At the beginning I was not very excited with the idea. He was sometimes weird, complex and a bit sharp, but I soon noticed he softened his funny ways when I was around. He dazzled me with unselfishness and brightness and I became very fond of him.

I certainly found him most peculiar, but I like unconventional people and the way they struggle to survive in this conventional world. I enjoyed being with him and in all honesty, I thought I was special to him too. But soon I sniffed out the stinking smell of danger there.

That Saturday afternoon we met up at the Tiki Bar, an old fashioned place where the tropical impressive décor added an exotic touch to the atmosphere. We waved hello, softly kissed and ordered two drinks.

From the very beginning we used words like "baby", "darling" or "sweety" to adress each other. I never got my hopes up with him just because of that, though; or so I thought. But that Saturday evening -after my third Mai-Tai cocktail- I was a bit buzzed and started doing silly things, like sitting on his lap. Don't ask me why I did it: I was pissed.

- Tell me if I’m heavy Bob, and if so I'll stand up. -I said, putting my arms around his neck-
- No babe, you’re light as a feather. -he laughed-
- Cool. 'Cos I was not gonna move anyways. I feel very comfortable here -I said-- Good!

Perhaps we were not so close to handle the situation as naturally as I expected; perhaps I went too far, although I thought I didn't; perhaps my naughtiness scared him, although I never thought I was scary; perhaps he thought that even if I wasn't saying much, I was drunk and therefore I would be telling the truth; but the truth was that I fucked up there.

- Let me ask you something.
-he said, seriously-
- Sure.
Shoot. -I said, sipping from my cocktail cup-.

Just as I suspected it was time to get scared, so I stopped playing the fool.

- Len... are you looking for a relationship?

He left me speechless.

- No. At least not deliberately. I just let things happen.

As a result of the rhum overdose effects, I just could manage to babble these lousy sentences to answer his unexpected question. But that was very true: I have never looked for a relationship in my whole life. It was rather more exact to say that relationships have found me; and by the way, unprotected most times. I gasped.

- Good.- Why do you ask?
- Because I think we’re growing into one. And I wouldn’t want that.–he said as he gazed into my eyes-. Sorry to be so direct. But I had to tell you.
My mind was working terribly slow, yet I squeezed my brains helplessly trying to speed up a proper answer. But I could just get a soft-headed, prize-idiot-like reply, that I regretted as soon as the words were pathetically coming out of my mouth:

- If my informality makes you feel uncomfortable, then I’ll try not to be so friendly.

What the hell could I say??? I stood up from his lap in a jiffy.

- Come on, Len. Sit on my lap again, don’t be silly.
I won't bite you.

- No. That's ok. I’m fine like this.

But I was very far from being fine. I started realising how badly I wanted him. Otherwise, being rejected before we had even started would not be hurting like hell. Anyway, I pulled myself together and kept smiling that stupid smile on my face, pretending everything was ok.

- Len.
–he said-
- Yes. What.
- You’re one hell of a gal, ok?
–he said as he held my chin firmly between his thumb and index fingers, softly lifting my face and staring at me-.
- Thanks.
Shit. I didn’t need his sympathy. My nonsensical conversation was getting worse by the minute, to the point that I didn’t know what to say or do. Suddenly I couldn’t resist the urge to leave.

- So…

- I need to go, Bob.
- Why so early? Because of what I said?- I really need to go.
- Hey, I want a goodbye kiss before you leave.

And I kissed him. I enjoyed his sweet lips probably for the last time. All my life I wanted to make a stone of my heart, but I never could: I take things for granted and get easily hurt by words and facts that would go unnoticed for other people. That's silly and I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it.

- Will we meet tonight?
- I don't know, Bob.
- I'll try to be at the club. Not sure though.
- Ok.
It was pointless to extend the agony. We both knew that we wouldn't go to the club that night, so it would have been much better to leave it as it was.
- Len, tell me that you're alright, please.
- I'm alright. -I said, with a faltering whisper-
- Gosh you're not! I'm sorry baby, but I had to tell you!
- Ok dude, thanks indeed for being so thoughtful.

I was being very ruthless. But I didn't really mean what I was saying. He pretended he hadn't heard me.

- I'll take you home.
- Thanks, but no!
- You can't drive, you're pissed.
- I'll take a taxi. And please, stop feeling sorry.

I closed my eyes to hold back the tears. I've always been unable to protect myself against these situations. I waved goodbye and took a taxi.

When I finally made it safe and sound to my place, I gave up pretending I was invulnerable and cried my eyes out until I fell asleep.

Goodnight to you, wherever you are.

Solitary AVO Session

"Solitary" (Skye Edwards)


Grass said...

Rejections are never easy sweety.. But I admire you for being brave enough to admit that you were hurt, I guess that's part of letting go of it: admitting that it was not okay, being honest to yourself.. It's a sad story but thanks for sharing, I learned something from this: I'm not alone in pretending that I'm not vulnerable sometimes.. sigh..

Hope you're doing great!

xxx Grass

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grass! Thanks a lot for your support and for caring too!
Yeah, you're right, rejections are not easy, but some people make it softer -like my good friend Bob, who btw is a real nice guy who never lied to me and what is more important: never wanted to hurt me-.

Anyway, something tells me Bob and I are not over over yet -this is the latest news in my email-. I'll let you know how things develop.

Why not admitting we're hurt? That's just human. I admit I am very often and am not afraid of that. I'm very strong, but very vulnerable too, just like you -it's hard, isn't it?-.

Writing and living is the best way I know to let it go.

Again Grassy, I really appreciate your love and support, it helps with the recovery!

XXX. Leni.

s said...

Bob is a sucker ...

Im sure he would feel bad when he read this.


Leni Qinan said...



PS.- I hope Bob doesn't feel bad if he ever reads this, cuz he's a very nice guy and I really like him. I was not looking for a relationship -I am not the committal type- but I am becoming very fond of him, that's all. I may be too naughty and scary sometimes. My fault.:(


Thanks a lot for visiting and also for commenting, Mocky. I'm very happy to have you around. Very happy. :)

Sedi said...

Uauauauau, aixo es calenta, ara mes que mai ets una escriptora perillosa de veritat,,,,jejejeje

La veritat es que estenc al "marciano" si t'aprecia es normal !!!

Suposo que jo en el seu cas pensaria el mateix i algu li te que dir unes quates paraules a certes persones perque veguin que no son impunes, ni deus, ni res d'aixo !!!

Pero be ara entenc el marron !!! no l'havia entes qunat m'ho vas explicar !!!

Apa una abraçada la Leni perillossa perillossa, i felicitats per el que has trobat !!!

Un peto,

Leni Qinan said...

Hola Sedi,
Benvingut i moltes gracies pel comentari, em fa molta ilusió!
La historia segueix, no et perdis el proper post, perque voràs com les coses van encara més calentes pero sense compromís. Com és això possible? Dons ho es, jajajaja.

Bé, m'agrada molt aquest joc perillós, pero la veritat és que haig de anar amb compte per no ferme mal.
Ah, el Bob de la meva història está molt molt tocat -al bote, jajajaja-. D'això es tractaba. I si, soc mooooooolt perillosa!!


max said...

Pues a mí, la verdad, es que el tal Bob me parece bastante lerdo...¡¡desaprovechar la oportunidad de enrollarse con Leni!! (nada menos que con la dulce Leni); él se lo ha perdido, yo no lo hubiera dudado ni un instante. Aunque también es muy posible que no haya tenido el valor de reconocer sus verdaderas inclinaciones sexuales...¡no le veo otra explicación!

Leni Qinan said...

Uffff Max,

Bienvenido a esta humilde casa, y ¡encantada de tenerte no sólo de visitante, sino también de comentarista! ¡Ya era hora!

No sé si voy a tener que acercarme por tu casa a pegarte de leches igual que a Mocky. No os metáis más con el pobre Bob, que ya me lo cepillaré antes de que se dé cuenta de que está a punto de caer en mis garras, jajajajajaj.

El no ha dicho que no quiera rollo conmigo, sino que no quiere tener una relación conmigo. Hay una pequeña diferencia. Pero para tu consuelo te diré que el pobrecillo no lo tiene nada claro, así que se puede ir preparando porque le tengo en el punto de mira, jajajajaj. Ya te iré contando.

Como veo que el tema preocupa a mi distinguida audiencia -y a algunos tímidos lectores que no dan la cara- os voy a escribir la continuación de la historia. Atentos al blog de la Leni, que sube la temperatura!

Un beso en los morros.

Leni Qinan said...

Ah, Max, sólo una cosita:
Por si tienes alguna duda ... Bob no tiene ninguna duda sobre sus preferencias: le molan las tías. Y por supuesto, yo le molo más que a un tonto un lápiz. :)

XXX. Leni.

max said...

Hummm, bueno, bueno... Leni, no se muy bien que pensar. Ya veremos el desenlace.
Admite un consejo: cómetelo vivo antes de que ni siquiera se de cuenta de por donde te lo que hay que hacer con los animalitos de la especie "pusilánime". Y, sobre todo, ¡Que no me entere yo que alguien mas te vuelve a hacer llorar!

Leni Qinan said...

Ayyy Max, qué mono eres.

Te prometo que me lo voy a comer con tomate.
De momento le estoy acechando, porque le falta un hervor, no es que sea pusilánime -es nórdico, con eso te lo digo todo. Sedi sabe mucho de eso. Se toman su tiempo-.

Para tu tranquilidad te diré que hemos hecho las paces ... y seguimos viéndonos, más a menudo que antes, jajajajajaja.

No sé, Max, lo de no llorar más lo veo difícil. Yo soy así de tonta.

Gracias por volver. ¡Tan pronto!

Otro beso, de tornillo. :)