SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Hellgirl (I)

As you probably know now, anything can happen in an elevator. But, hey! This time it was different. I often had this terrifying recurrent nightmare: being in an elevator, going nowhere.

Believe it or not, last night a white rabbit –probably running away from the bullets of a poacher’s rifle or from my Dreamland Chronicles’ chapters- knocked on my door. I opened it and he asked me to follow him.

He walked towards the elevator and I followed, just like Alice would have done on her way to Wonderland. The door opened slowly. The motion image of a huge fire burning with the weirdest shapes and colours had taken the place of the mirror that was normally there. I walked inside to take a close look. I spotted skulls and dragons twisting; I even saw a battle between a Red and a Yellow Army. I was immediately dragged into the heat and smoke, to drift along in the hypnotic, mesmerizing, bewitching scenery.

The door closed behind me. I was locked, quickly going down. During the trip, a soft girl’s voice said:

“Doesn’t it look a lot like the fire burning inside you? The one you’re contemplating is an Easter fire in the most genuine Saxon tradition. It’s supposed to help chase the darkness and winter away. It’s also a symbol of fertility: the ashes should be scattered over the meadows to fertilize the soil. But nowadays this fire is only meant to bring humans together on a pleasant night, to have some gin or lager and snacks.”

I didn’t know what the purpose of the technical display was: To impress me? To bring forward what was coming? The elevator stopped. To my surprise, I was fully equipped for one of these nowadays Saxon fires: Martini glass and bag of Cheetos in hand. The welcome was unquestionably warm.

- Welcome to Hell, darling. The place where you’ll be burning when you give up the ghost. –said the voice-
- Oh my. I hope it takes long until I do. How can you possibly tell my future? -I asked-
- To be honest, I can’t; but it’s highly predictable: I have your naughty record here, my dear. –she said, pointing at a thick book-
- I can’t believe it is that bad. –I said, a bit concerned-
- It is, indeed. Just in case you didn’t know what the standards are in Hell, let me tell you this: what is bad Upstairs –she said pointing at the ceiling with one finger- is good Downstairs. You understand that, right?

I nodded.

- Let me introduce myself: my true name would be too complicated for you to pronounce, but I am very well known in your world as Hellgirl.
- Nice to meet you. I‘m Leni.
- I know that. In fact I know you very well, Leni. Or Len. –she giggled- I follow you regularly when I am out of duty.

Hellgirl was simply cute; so delicate and small, her long black hair fell about her, rippling and shining like a cascade. Her big red glowing eyes were casting an incisive look at me. Her beautiful face would make you think she was a nice girl… but no! She had that indescribable wicked touch. I had the strange impression I had seen her before. Not that I had met her, but her face looked amazingly familiar to me. I was eating my last Cheetos when she started saying seriously:

- It has been brought to my attention that you hang around lately with a human male who wears Orsinian flag boxers, puffs blunts that won’t burn while drinking beers with his homies, and have been given the following items by him:

1. A New York Yellow Cab.
2. A truck that doesn’t drive.


- What a filthy piece of junk! What do you need this rubbish for? –she asked-
- Nothing, but I can get into the truck and sit beside him. -I said sighing-
- Aww. That’s cute, Leni. But very stupid. I bet he has no idea about that. Let’s have a look at the rest of the list:

3. A wheelchair that drives, but chops your legs off when you sit on it.
4. A set of blue, red and green smoke grenades and a gas mask.
5. An old fan.
6. Three sea shells: pink, yellow and blue.
7. A dagger and some guns that won’t shoot.
8. A cardboard box.
9. A dead parrott.
10. A dirty toilet with toxic waste inside.
11. And last, but not least: a kiss that never worked.

- Is this the guy who gave you the snowflakes? -she asked-
- How do you know about the snowflakes??? -I said in shock-
- Hahahah, the Sky Officer told me. We had a good laugh!


I couldn't believe supernatural creatures would be laughing at me, humble mortal. I opened my hands and focussed to make snow, but she stopped me:

- Oh, no no. Your tricks won’t work here, honey. Your snowflakes will melt and your hands will become waterfalls. Let me show you something.

She stretched her arms and a circle of red flames surrounded us making a huge noise.

- We have fire and smoke here. Not snow. To be honest, I can't see what’s wrong with flowers, jewels and chocolates, dearie. I can’t believe this army of cheats is still giving their crappy little presents to the dumbest girls on Earth; among them, you.
- Don’t say that! I like these gifts. No one else has given me such things! It’s easier to go to the shop and buy something, but he did them himself!
- These objects he gave you to play with are so lousy! What did you give to him in return?
- I gave him my body. –I said quietly-
- Well, what’s wrong with that. What else did you give to him?

I didn’t dare to answer.

- What else, Leni?
- I gave him my heart.
-I whispered slowly-
- Aww that’s cute. Yet you haven’t realised he was playing with you. The next thing is you give him your soul, and you’re finished! It is very ill-advised to give your heart to a man in exchange for… nothing? That was very silly, Leni.
- I expected something in return. –I said shyly-
- But you got nothing, right? Oh yes, a dirty toilet and other dirty stuff.

I didn’t dare to answer this time either.

- Give me your soul and I’ll make you rich, famous, powerful and irresistible… but don’t ever give it to a man. I understand what you did and why you did that, but he won’t appreciate the beauty of your gesture. Men just take what they’re given as if they had the unquestionable right to get it! Selfish creatures! I have loads of them here and they’re a handful! So weak, rough, repulsive, impolite, hard-boiled, smelly, pathetic beings!

"WOW what a rant!", I thought, but I didn't dare to protest, just in case she would decide to scorch me with hellfire. She rolled her eyes and started rhyming a nonsensical poem:

Stupid and big white buffoon
Who holds in his hand a white spoon;
He sits on his white little throne
And is terribly evil gaffe-prone;
He wears on his head a white crown
That will be very soon falling down;
He had fun when he tied you up
While he drank like a fish from his cup;
And he did with a second-hand leash
As he ate a big portion of quiche.

The echo of her laughter resounded all over the place. She cracked her whip and proclaimed:

- They call me Hellgirl, the Whip Slasher!!!

There was a long silence.

- Very impressive. What now? –I said, clapping-.
- Listen, silly: if you give me your soul, I’ll get you Bob the Great's head served on a silver tray when he comes back from Orsinia.
- NEVER! I don’t need your help! I’ll get him all by myself!

Hellgirl roared with laughter. Suddenly he stopped laughing, stared at me with her big dark red glowing eyes and said solemnly:

- I’ll make a bet with you, Leni: If you get Bob without my help I will give you my black magic unicorn. But if you don’t… I’ll blow him back into the arms of the Orsinian girl! How does it grab you?


(To be continued)




"The devil went down to Georgia" (Festus Clamrod and The El Sobrante Twangers)
Reference to Easter Saxon fires taken from Wikipedia and Youtube.

17 comments:

Grass said...

Hello my dear sister! What a great blog! Hellgirl reminds me of ME! LOL Did I inspire you to write this one? Hehe.. Nah, I'm just being conceited.. :P

Looking forward to the next part... too bad I can't stay seated on my chair waiting for the next part to come through.. Sigh..:-) But I will definitely visit your blog as soon as I come back from field.

Thank you for the nice post! :-)


xxx Grass

s said...

wow, thats impressive. You had a vision of hell and its servants! Hellgirl eh? Werent you scared? And what a suprise, hellgirl is a feminist too! Seems like all supernaturals dislike men, or maybe just Bob hahah

I cant believe she tricked you in making a deal. You are not even sure what Bob is thinking after that phonecall with Maxi ... Im sure hope this will end good.

PS if hell girl doesnt like Bob, then Bob must be Good. Like she said: whats bad downstairs is good upstairs :P

PS2: Im sick at home :(

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grassy!

Hm yes, Hellgirl reminds me of you too... what a coincidence, don't you think so! LOL

Yes, you could very well be that cutie little wicked supernatural being who is trying to shake me with that terrible bet, in order to speed up things. ;)

So don't say you are conceited, Grass; rather more inspirational I'd say.

Yes, you dear readerships, are very inspirational and helpful. You keep me busy writing, hahahah! Honest, I am very happy to have such a wonderful audience and I am enjoying a lot! I hope you do too! And I love you to feel involved in the story plot, so let's keep interacting and participating.

Thanks for being so enthusiastic about this blog, sis, I hope to match up your expectations! (I try hard!)

Have a nice field work and take care!

XXX. Leni.

Leni Qinan said...

Aww Mocky! Sorry to hear you’re sick! Hm, I bet you were linedancing at your favorite club yesterday night and the hangover is sooo bad! LOL.

Now seriously, Mocky, I hope you get well real soon. Otherwise I’ll take my magic wand, get you some chicken soup –it heals everything!- and make my way to your place to comfort you and help you recover. ;)

Yes, it seems that most supernaturals are women. But I don’t think they are feminists; they just laugh at the silly things these little insignificant terrestrial beings like Bob, Max or me are doing to complicate their lives. LOL.

As you can see, the bet is risky; but I am not easily discouraged and I really like the guy. So if Hellgirl wants war, that’s what she will get. (Oops and I don’t even know what Bob is thinking after Maxi’s phone call, jeez this can be a very explosive situation!)

Is Bob good? LOL. You tell me.

Take care and get well.

Len.

Fernando said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fernando said...

Did you take drugs this weekend?
:-)

Just kidding. I liked your post very much. Thank you for shareing such a strange mind!!!!

And... what about Bob??

Fernando (y el cotilla que lleva dentro)

Un beso. Leni.

Leni Qinan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leni Qinan said...

Hi Fernan!

No, I'm not on drugs, and as you know, I don't need to take hallucinogenic substances to have these adventures but a fast internet connection. ;)

Thanks for reading this post and commenting on it -I really appreciate-.

Do you really think my mind is strange? Hm. Funny.

Bob is being closely watched by Hellgirl and me. There's a lot at stake and we both want to win the bet. You will know more about him in the next post, busybody! (No, I like it, i feel flattered if you're curious! but give me some days to write, my brain is not that fast!).

Besos! Leni.

sedi said...

heheheh well nice blog !!! well this is getting a serial TV hheheheh

well nice objects given by a special person in nice !! it is not important the nature of these objects !
Yes you are right objects without intentions or purpouses are just simple objects with any feelings..... but handmade obkects or objects made with feelings are really nice.

but give the soul.... ufff this is another story but at the end if you give it to the right person is wonderful, maravelous and nothing to be afraid !!! just only enjoy the feeling and give it to one person that it is going to take care of you !!!

just wonder who could be the Hellgirl for you ? heheheeh

nice history again and looking forward to see the end of the history !!!

Sedi

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Sedi!

Nice to see you again! Yeah, maybe this story would be great for a TV serial, LOL.

About the objects: What counts -in my opinion- is not the material value of the object, but the intention and the feelings you put in them. There's friendship, generosity, a funny touch of weirdness and also a lot of affection and care in these presents; this is what really counts for me. And handicrafts are very nice too. I like the presents more than I can say, even if they don't work and regardless what other people may think of them.

About giving my soul: you know how silly I am and my inclination to give too much, too early and too often... so it scares me to death to give my soul to the wrong person (I wouldn't give it to Hellgirl, hahahah). And more than that: my policy is not to give more than I get, if possible. It's my protection against being hurt.

So you're wondering who the Hellgirl is, right? She looks very alike a lovely girl I have met recently, who visits and writes here every now and then, lol. And she is not as bad as she seems!

Big hug and XXX. Leni.

max said...

Hi all! Wow things are getting very exciting this time, arent’ they?

Grass,

Uh oh! Should I get scared of you… Hellgirl??? You better take your whip to your field day. But don’t use it with me please, I am a peace man! I only fight with jokes!

Sedi,

Leni will never admit she would prefer a diamond ring to a broken truck. That would be like saying she is a material girl. Old girly trick, man. LOL.

Mocky,

I hope you feel better today, dude! Let us know you’re alive and kicking!


And last, but not least:

Leni,

I’m dying to read the next chapter of the story. Work hard on it, please! I’m biting my nails!

Crazy Ro said...

Felicitaciones por tanta creatividad Leni!
Es muy interesante leer lo que escribís=)

Y sobre la historia de Bob...No puedo opinar al respecto...a veces los hombres parecen muy previsibles y otras tantas son una gran caja de sorpresas...=)

Besos
Ro

Leni Qinan said...

Hola Ro! Me alegro mucho de verte por aquí de nuevo!

Gracias por tu comentario! La creatividad no sería posible sin quienes estimulan mi imaginación y me ayudan a construir estas historias, que -aunque parezca mentira- tienen un gran fondo real.

Bob es un tipo bastante previsible. Creo que la imprevisible soy yo, jajajaja.

Ayer estuve en tu blog, que visito regularmente y me encantó tu post sobre el tango. Cuánta dulzura y sentimiento le pones a las cosas!

Un gran beso.
Leni.

Leni Qinan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leni Qinan said...

SPECIAL TRANSLATION FOR ZEEWLANDERS AND HELLGIRLS:

Crazy Ro (from Argentina) said:

Congrats for your creativity, Leni! It's very interesting to read what you write=)
And about Bob's story... I can't give you my opinion about it... sometimes men seem to be very predictable, and so many other times big surprise boxes...

Kiss.

Leni said:

Hi Ro!Nice to see you again over here and thanks a lot for your comment!

Creativity wouldn't be possible if not for those who stimulate my imagination and help me build these stories that -strange as it may seem- carry an important element of truth inside.

Bob is a most predictable guy. I think I’m the unpredictable one, hahaha.

I visited your blog yesterday -I do regularly- and I loved your post about the tango. There’s a lot of sweetness and feeling there!

Big kiss.

Crazy Ro said...

Sorry!
I should have written my comment in english!
(sometimes I am very lazy..=)

Regards=)

Leni Qinan said...

Ro:

You can write in the language that makes you feel more comfortable.

There are absolutely no obligations here; I've had people commenting in French, Catalan and Portuguese as well, and I was happy with that.

It's not a problem for me to translate, so that all the visitors and commenters can understand each other. That's the only condition for me, that you can understand each other -so I can always translate-

:)


XXX. Leni