SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Hellgirl (II)

- Are you chicken, Leni? –asked Hellgirl, challenging me-
- No I’m not! I’ll take your bet! –I answered-
- Oki… Let’s have a look at my crystal ball then.

She hissed and a feathered tiny black devil rushed into the room from out of the blue, jumping on a crystal ball that he pushed to roll towards her. She stopped it with her right hand and shouted at the tiny devil:

- Enough! Now get back to your place, scummy lil’ thing; we don’t need you here anymore!

The black little devil groaned and protested with a shrill voice in that incomprehensible devil’s language. Hellgirl said to him:

- Noo! You can’t pee on my roses! Enough of this bullshit! Come here and meet my friend. Leni, this is Percival Von Der Twit-Wingnutty of Twatshire. From the good old Twatshires of the Suckertown County in Brotania. Bow, Percy.

To my surprise, Percival gave me the finger instead of bowing; he smiled happily, very proud of his rudeness, and shouted “Up with Orsinia!!!” with falsetto voice, raising his right fist. Hellgirl hurled him against the cushions we were sitting on.

- Don’t be rude to my guests, yukky thingy! –she shouted-

Hellgirl turned to me and said:

- Pay no fucking attention to him, Leni. Just two weeks ago he was a stunning and posh Brotanian archduke who sold me his soul on exchange for a luxury cottage; I gave him what he asked for, but he wouldn’t pay me on the agreed date. I can’t put up with deadbeats, so I punished him by changing his appearance into what he looks like now. But from then on, he started following me all over the place, scratching his private parts in public, poking a pinkie up his nose, removing his dark earwax with my pencils, farting and burping… just to annoy me!
- Eeeeeeerp!
–went Percival, belch-filled like thunder and throwing a little dark earwax ball to me-
- Eek! He's revolting! –I said, shaking off the sticky thing-
- Oh my Badness Me, Percy! What the fuck have you had for lunch??? Rotten fish cooked with garlic and Brussels sprouts??? You are such a bloody handful! –she screamed, whipping his butt-. Now sit here. Keep quiet once and for all and give me the magic dust.
- Ouch! That hurts! –said Percy with his screaming little voice.
- And it will hurt a lot more if you don’t behave. Now take a cushion and be snug as a bug in a rug, ok?

Percy obeyed. With his tail between his legs, he sat beside us, dug a pile of magic dust out of his pocket and spread it over the crystal ball; the glittering sparkles reached my face, that glowed in the dark for some seconds as Hellgirl closed her eyes to put her spell on the ball. At first, it appeared to be full of white smoke in the inside, but a blurred silhouette soon appeared into the sphere.

- Is Bob the big dark guy? –she asked-
- No. That’s Max. –I answered-
- Hm. Max. Tell me about him.

Geez, what a pain to go over that lousy story again! But Hellgirl seemed to be enjoying the moment.

- Uh oh, so what do we have here? Bob and Max. –she said, clapping very excited-
- Yeah but I’m only interested in Bob. –I said-
- Yet you were with Max, right?
- Yes.
- Take a look at this.


Hellgirl rubbed the crystal ball again; Max suddenly disappeared and two clear images took his place.

- Is Bob the tall blond guy? –asked Hellgirl-
- Yes. And that’s the Orsinian girl, I suppose. –I answered, pointing at the girl in the ball-
- That’s right. Let me introduce you to Miss Tigerlilly Mistyglass Hamseller. Sickly-sweet and way too corny.
- He promised me he wouldn't see her.
–I whined, grabbing my head, not taking any notice of her remarks about the name-
- But the funny thing is that you saw Max; and he thought he could have a pass with you for old times’ sake; and he said terrible things to Bob on the phone when he was trying to get through to you; and Bob must be thinking of a million bad things now. Be fair, Leni: Don’t expect the others to treat you well if you treat them wrong.

Hellgirl was right. I started feeling real bad and responsible for my misfortunes.

Oh yes, Tigerlilly: the Orsinian girl. She was so gorgeous and sweet. She had shiny, blond hair piled high on top of her head; not one strand of it was out of place. She lived in a farm near the borderline between Orsinia and Leashland, in the State of New Calexico, happily surrounded by her horses and cattle. The first time I went to Bob's place he had a beautiful picture of her on a shelf. She looked wonderful in her jeans and checked shirt, riding a black horse.

How did I know about all that? Bob told me when we first met, just two months after their break-up. It was easy to talk about these things when we were strangers. But my thoughts and the sight of the two of them having fun inside the crystal ball in Washingdown City left a lump in my throat and also a tear in my eye. That small universe inside the glass made me feel sad as… hell. What a bad bad joke; good thing I still could bother making jokes.

Hellgirl stroked my hair and rolled her eyes.

- I shouldn't be this nice to you. They will kick me off the “Bitches from Hell Council”, hahaha –she laughed, recovering her hellish ways-. Now wipe away those tears. I will help you.

I stopped crying and listened to what she said.

- You know what happens to this guy? He wants you, but he doesn't want to admit it. He prolly loves you, but he denies the obvious. Yet he would hate to lose you. 'Cause love hurts. I've seen it a zillion times. Big mess here. -she said pointing at her head-.

I guess Hellgirl was not that bad after all, because she couldn’t be more sympathetic.

- Leni. Seriously. You must get out of this jam. Speak to him. Call him up and tell him what really happened. You have womanly wiles: seduction, determination, sexual power. Use them to get what you want. You have done this before.
- Why are you doing this? I mean… why are you helping me?
- Because you’re gonna blow it big time if I don’t help you. I can see it coming. And I’m a hopeless romantic whip slasher, I guess.
–she said grinning-. Now minimize the drama, Leni, take your cellphone and call him.
- Hm. Is there coverage down here?
–I asked-
- Hahahah, of course, silly. Look at Percy. He phones his butler all the time, although the guy declared himself on strike. Free like a bird above the world at last.

She was fixing the broken truck with an adjustable spanner. I took the mobile and phoned Bob.

- Hi, Bob. It’s me. –I said-
- Hi Len.
- Can we talk? -I asked him-
- I’m sorry baby, but now it’s ME the one who can’t talk. –he said before he put the phone down, visibly upset-.

I redialed his number.

- Len. I don’t feel like talking to you now. So please, DON’T INSIST. –he said, and cut me off-.

I didn’t give up and redialed his number for the third time, and I got his voicemail:

"The number you have dialed is not available at the moment. If you wish to leave a message, please do it after the beep."

Hellgirl turned back and asked:

- Bad news?

I nodded, holding back my tears in a rage.

- He switched the cellphone off! Grrrrrrrrr I hate him!!! –I shouted-
- Jeez… this is gonna be harder than I thought. I’m afraid we need a plan. –she sighed, as Percival jumped on my lap to offer a tissue- .

(To be continued)


"Unfinished sympathy" (Massive Attack)

12 comments:

Donn said...

You are scaring me with your intimate knowledge of the subject matter.
I would love to see this animated.

My favorite image of Diablo is Tim Curry in Ridley Scott's Legend..with a young Tom Cruise...
and this song, I heard it in that Sharon Stone movie..Sliver...love this song.

Wow you are a REAL writer..love the twists and your 'wicked' sense of humor.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Donn! Welcome aboard and nice to see you here in my humble blog! Thanks a lot for your comment, I really appreciate. I feel very honoured to have my first commenter from the Brotanian colonies, hahahaha

Aww don’t be scared, I am just a tourist in Hell –some would say this is not true, but I am totally harmless, hahaha-.

I have seen “Legend” too –very poetic and the devil was a lot more interesting than Tom Cruise! I have an inclination for the bad guys in the movies; that amazingly impressive devil is one of my favorites (and his weakness for the princess, hahaha too bad she didn’t appreciate!). Tim Curry looks really bad ! He has such a naughty smile as himself!

I haven’t seen “Sliver”, but I checked imdb and it looks interesting, so one more film to add to my downloads list!

I may have a word with Quentin Tarantino (better than Woody Allen, I think) to have my evilish stories animated and you'll be invited to the premiere if the contact is successful, hahaha.

I reckon I felt veeeeeery flattered when you said I am a REAL writer –too bad the editors don’t think the same, lol-. I think I am, tho my stories come from the real, virtual and fictionnal worlds all mixed up.

And btw, I am more than happy with my readerships here. :)

max said...

Jeez Leni... I’m not scared of you but of Hellgirl! She is evil only with guys! Lol.
I feel so sorry for Percy! I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes.

I agree with Donn, nice song! I love Massive Attack!

s said...

Do not trust Hellgirl! She is very nice to you, but something tells me that the devil's minions are not to be trusted.

I loved this second part and it makes me even more curious how all this will end. Will Bob be in your arms or in the arms of the Orsinian girl? I hope he will end up in yours, but its not going to easy im afraid. I keep my fingers crossed for you!

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Max!
Nah, she's evil only with Percy I think. He is a sponger and that's not nice! So it serves him well.

Yeah, I like Massive Attack and Portishead and these guys from Bristol! Nice to hear you enjoyed!

XXX.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Mocky! (I suppose you are, lol)

I think this is just girls' comradeship, anyway thanks for the advice. I'll be careful -just in case I had to ask for a loan in the bank to pay Hellgirl at the end of the story, :( lol.

Thanks for your sweet comment, and especially for encouraging me to fight with all my strength to get Bob -which I will do, no doubt about it!-

((Bob in the arms of the Orsinian girl??? No way, Mocky!!! I'll wipe her out!!!))

XXX. Len. :)

s said...

Yes, i am indeed :P

Like i said, great story, and i bet it will be amazing once its all finished. Actually its quite an adventure, all of the stories.

Was reading it again and i couldnt help laughing (for the second time) because of the name of the creature: Percival Von Der Twit-Wingnutty of Twatshire HAHAH

Btw i just realized: Bob made you a dirty toilet filled with toxic waste? I can do that too, no problemo hahaha
:P

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Mocky, so nice to have you back here again! :)

Thanks a lot! Things don't stop happening and the story keeps writing almost itself, hahaha.

I love your enthusiasm, Mocky, and I really appreciate your words! You readerships like to keep me busy and deprived from sleep, eh? Well I just love it and I really like the feedback!

If I'm able to keep you reading and laughing, then it makes me feel happy. :))

Oh, yeah Percival, the yukky thingy: he has one of those illustrious bloodlines, blue blood and all that. Not like me, I am a happy pauper plebian, hahahah.

Hrm... so you can also make a toilet filled with toxic waste? Tell me, Terminator, can you do a wheelchair that chops yoor legs off when you sit on it? hahahahaa.

Big big hug. Len. :S

tom909 said...

Great story Leni, and no-one wants it to end. So when you do get together with one of these guys (hey, I know Max is a bit of a pillock but so was Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, and he got his gal) maybe you can do the sequal of how the relationship works out.

Leni Qinan said...

Wow Tom the Great! Long time no see! Hahahaha

I'm very glad to see that you could finally log into my blog without problems. So what i did is working. That's cool. :)

I see you're supporting Max -Darcy was a pillock, right (new word for me, very funny). I haven't read the book, but I saw the movie with Colin Firth as Darcy(WOOOHOOO!) and that is an asset! Anyway, just wait and see, cos both Bob and Max will get "something" in this story, hahaha. (maybe a slap in the face!)

And you're right, as usual! The sequel will be coming out too!

Take care. :))
XXX.

Grass said...

HI sis! I'm back! :-) I'm glad that you're finally done with the last two parts I missed out while on field.. :-)

Jeez, I didn't realize that Hellgirl could be sweet and nice.. She should be kicked out of the Bitches's Council indeed! LOL On the other hand, it's a welcome relief to find help in the most unlikely place: Hell. I guess hell is not so bad after all.. LOL Maybe I should pay a visit someday :D

And oooh, poor Percy! I can't sympathize though, liars should go to hell indeed! :p He deserved it!

Hmmm, gotta read the third part now.. :-) Love your posts.. as always ..


Hugs..

xxx GRass

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grass, nice to have you back here! I hope you had an interesting and safe field workday!
Hellgirl is very nice, but hey! Don’t pull her leg, ‘cos she is extremely clever and very dangerous too! She won’t be kicked out of the Bitches’ Council (to help a dangerous writer like me is bad enough, lol!). Anyway, I didn’t accept her help so her reputation remains immaculate, hahah.
I think it’s a good idea that you pay a visit to help, but be very careful with Percy –he is really naughty!- :P and he will prolly still be there for years and years (there is no way that he can possibly pay his debt polishing Hell’s floors! He was too greedy asking for a cottage and not paying!)
Thanks for your sweet comment, sis, we all missed you here (the rest of the regulars too I'm sure! Especially Max, lol). :D