SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Public scandals (I)

- Let me take one more picture of you with the cows, Len. Otherwise, everybody will think that you bought postcards instead of going on holidays –he said-

I posed and smiled for the camera.

After our visit to the amusement park and my mysterious encounter with Moebius Hax, Bob followed me to the hotel like a lost puppy. He wouldn’t leave me alone. The funny thing is that when we were together, he would disappear for weeks without a trace, leaving me in a distressing state of utter confusion.

I was puzzled by the amount of weird events happening these days. But for the time being, since I first met Hellgirl that was the story of my life.

- Do you have plans for tonight, Len? –he asked me, at the hotel entrance-

I would have answered that the Prince of Persia was going to take me to the Babylon Gardens on his magic carpet, but I knew it wouldn’t wash.

- No, not so far –I said-.
- Would you like to have a picnic tonight at the beach? –he asked, suddenly-.

I was not completely sure whether it was wise to accept the invitation or not, but I accepted. Don’t ask me why.

- Sure I would.
- Excellent. Bring your bikini then. I’ll buy the dinner.
- What’s on the menu?
–I asked-

I was sure as eggs is eggs that our night picnic would consist of fries and roast chicken, as usual.

- Surprise, shorty. You’ll just love it. I’ll pick you up at 7pm. Is that ok with you?
- That’s cool.

That evening, at the agreed hour, I received a phone call in my room.

- Miss Qinan, this is Frank Furter from the hotel reception desk. Mr. Robert Gausmann is waiting for you in his car, in front of the main entrance.
- Oh, thank you very much, Frank. I’ll be right there in a minute.


I went downstairs. Bob had double parked his dirty old Jeep Cherokee and was waiting for me inside.

- Hi Len! Come into the car! I washed it in your honour! –he shouted, waving hello from the jeep-

He was not a pig, honest; rather quite the contrary. But his car often looked like a pigsty, just because he was too lazy to clean it. And this time it was as white as snow.

Bob drove fast to the beach, as he told me about his work projects. He stopped the car by a beautiful cove and took a picnic basket from the trunk. It smelled of roast chicken and fries, just as I predicted. But I was starving, and hunger is the best sauce, so I didn’t turn my nose up at the monotonous menu.

- Let’s have a bath before dinner –he said-.

It was getting dark, and yet it was awfully hot. I removed my clothes and walked to the water, dressed in my old black G-string.

- WOW Len... you look real hot in that tiny string!
-said Bob, looking a bit surprised-

Suddenly, I heard a police whistle. Two police officers appeared from out of the blue and surrounded me.

- What’s the matter, agents? –I asked, a bit alarmed-
- Excuse me, madam. It is strictly forbidden to topless or use improper bath suits in this island. –answered the oldest cop-
- Ha! Who says that? –I asked, cupping my boobs in a hand bra pose-
- The Public Scandals Act, recently approved by the Parliament. –answered the youngest-

Bob laughed and clapped.

- I’m a Sandwichian citizen. –I declared, very solemnly-
- Mawi-Mawian laws not only apply to the natives, but also to the strangers who sojourn in this country. May I have your identification card, please? -he said, smirking-
- No, you may not! And by the way, how can I tell you’re a real cop instead of a fake in a flamboyant disguise? Can I see your warrant card?

- Sure, madam.
–he said, sighing deep-

He handed me his badge.

- Ok, Officer Doe… let me tell you that your Public Scandals Act is completely old fashioned and that it has been written by reactionary legislators. This is not your fault, of course. By the way… Did I get it right? is 'Dill Doe' your real name? –I asked, cracking up with laughter-

Obviously, he got angry.

- Ok madam… In light of your continued attitude of rebelliousness and non compliance, I’m afraid you’ll have to dress up and join us to the police station.

Bob got closer to Agent Doe and whispered in his ear:

- Listen dude, if you give me five minutes, I guarantee that the lady will get dressed, provided that this unfortunate incident is passed over, ok? –stepped in Bob-

The policeman nodded and stepped back. Then, Bob grabbed my right arm and took me aside.

- Are you crazy, Len? Put your top on immediately or these guys will take you to the police station and screw up our picnic. And don’t laugh at that guy’s name, for fuck’s sake –he whispered, removing his t-shirt and covering my naked torso with it-
- I can’t help it! Everybody over here has strange or laughable names!
- I know you can’t help laughing, but he’s getting really pissed off!
- Hey, this is stupid. I could understand this situation thirty years ago, but not now. We’re in 2009!
- They’ve caught you in flagrant violation of their law, Len. Please give in or you’ll fuck up!
- No way! I won’t!

Don't misunderstand me. I’m neither a lawbreaker nor a transgressor, but I must admit I’m a bit stubborn sometimes. And the more persistence I feel on the other side, the more pig-headed I get. I can’t help it.

The old cop lost his patience and handcuffed me. He pushed me against the police car and then read my legal rights and entitlements on arrest:

- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney during interrogation; if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you.
- Come on dude, are you Starsky or Hutch?

Agent Dill Doe, very upset, tightened my handcuffs until I shouted with pain. Bob got really angry at him and complained about the treatment I was receiving.

- Hey guys, take it easy, ok? She’s not a terrorist! –he said, pushing them-

He was hit with a truncheon and handcuffed too. Then we were both forced into the car and driven to the centre of Mawi-Mawi City, where we were locked up in a cell.

- Hey dude! The law entitles me to make a phone call, right?
- Right ma’am.
- Could I have a telephone then, please?

The agent opened the cell and allowed me to use the nearest land line. Imagine the scene: me walking down the corridor, barefoot, only dressed with Bob’s t-shirt -ten sizes bigger than mine- and my ridiculously tiny G-string.

And guess whose number I dialled.




"Help" (Bananarama)

15 comments:

Grass said...

Geez sis, why were you so stubborn? I love it! LOL With that ridiculous law they're imposing in that weird island, I'd be as stubborn as you were if I were in your shoes.. Tsk tsk.. And did you say Dill Doe was his name? I hope this time that he did look like one.. LOL It would make the whole story absolutely hilarious. Imagine a talking human-size dildo in police officer uniform.. LOL I had to grip my chair so I don't fall off laughing.. Hehehe

You'll be alright sis.. Somehow I feel that someone is coming to your rescue.. Lemme guess, Ed? Or is Hellgirl gonna use her charm to get you out of prison cell?;-)


Looking forward to your next post.. :D


xxx

Fernando said...

I thought I was the official Family Photographer.... but it seems I was in a mistake.

So sad....

max said...

Hi Leni!

1st and foremost: that’s a ridiculous law. Find yourself another country to spend your holidays and topless as much as you want.

Last but not least: I have a few questions:

1-Why are you always creating all kinds of havoc?
2-Do you have a special talent to attract weird people?
3-Where’s your Ed?

XXX

PS.- I hope you had nice easter holidays!

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Grass!

Normally I’m a very peaceful woman, but when going through an unfair situation –like this one- I can be very stubborn. I’m glad to hear that you agree with me against that ridiculous law. And this is just a banal thing. Imagine how many countries have an unfair legislation concerning women –that’s a lot more serious, isnt it?-

Agent Dill Doe’s face doesn’t really look like one, hahah. (But I know a family in RL who look like… ehm… how can I put it to you… people call them The C*ckfaces –True!-).

I hope I’ll be alright, Grassy. In such a situation you know who would be my White Knight, don’t you? Lol.

Take care, sis, and let us know how’s that countdown going.

XXX

Leni Qinan said...

Dear Fernan,

Oh no, you’re still the Family Photographer. Bob just took pictures of the cows –not really of me, hahah-.

Your pics of the sea and ships are wonderful. And I presume that you also have nice pics of people that we would love to see in your blog.

So chin up and give me a nice smile.

XXX

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Max!

I’m saving money to have a tour around Europe –France, Belgium, Zeewland, Zantland, up to the North Sea) and then spend one week at the beach in Sandwich. Does it sound better to you? I don’t think I’ll be back in Mawi-Mawi after this ordeal.

Let me answer your questions:

1-Why am I always creating all kinds of havoc? I think it’s not my fault, really, it’s rather the bad companies, lol.

2-Do I have a special talent to attract weird people? Yes, I attarct them like a magnet.

3-Where’s my Ed? Come back on Sunday and you’ll find out.

XXX

Mr Coppens said...

Awesome and so-real as I have come to expect from you Leni.

Great photos too...speaking of sacred cows did you know that they are starting to round them up off the streets in India..HELLO! How many centuries did that take? I saw a show on American Veterinarians who go to India to remove plastic bags from the stomachs of the sacred cows. Honestly. What a world?

Roberto said...

The harder is the law, the smoller is your G-string, Leni...

Get Bob´s T-shirt cover your tiny string? If not, you will be put in jail, no doubt. I see Mr. Dill Doe very angry.

Anyway, Leni, beautiful pictures again. (Fernando, las tuyas son insuperables, pero las de Leni aportan un no sé qué sumamente artístico...;-)

And that coffee will be, of course, whenever you want. For instance, the next time that Ed will be on travel and my namesake had disappeared. By the way, in your country or in mine one ;-)?

Take care. I´ll be waiting your next chapter.

Leni Qinan said...

Hey Donn!

I’m glad to know that you liked the photos. These beautiful cows belong to the Cow Parade (art exhibits of life-sized cows from a myriad of artists all over the world, with auctions at the end of the event benefiting charities). I think 150 of them –more or less- have been exhibited in the streets, and now that the expo is over, 60 are going to be sold at auction by Christie’s in Madrid.

The amount collected will be for the benefit of 5 NGO developpping some projects to help kids in Malawi and Senegal and a children’s hospital. I think it’s a very nice initiative.

About the sacred dows in India… well, it has a lot to do with their religion, hasn’t it?

It’s difficult to change these circumstances, but they must change, like the social division in castes and women’s alienation. The sooner, the better.

(When I was a kid I always asked myself how could people possibly starve, having so many cows in the streets-. I didn’t know they ate plastic bags.)

Care with the sharks, Donn. They don’t eat plastic bags, but delicious human’s limbs, and you look gorgeous in your new pic. LOL.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi my dear Roberto,

I promise I’m a very peaceful woman, but I can’t do with unfair chauvinistic legislation. But the topless ban is just a minor issue –imagine women forced to wear burkas-.

I’ve been in jail, indeed, but not for very long –that’s explained in the next instalment- and agent Dill Doe was a real jerk, if you allow me that expression.

I’m glad to know you liked the pics. I just had to use my camera’s shutter release (*laughs really loud*). Fernando is getting a bit depressed because he wanted to take those pics, but that day he was very busy sailing, so it couldn’t be possible (*laughs even louder*)

Big kiss.

PS.- About that long promised wonderful coffee –I can almost smell it-: I’ll let you know when Ed’s traveling and Bob is walkabout. I think your country will be the best option. If you ever wanted to stay in Sandwich forever, I would have a serious problem with Ed and Bob, hahah. ;)

Dick said...

Exiting story.
It must be Ed's number.
Is that the picture you mentioned before? The purple dressed girl.

hanny said...

Wow, Leni..what trouble did you get into with Bob? Was that the guy's name for real-Dill DOe?LOL

LOL..what a funny image of you in Bob's shirt and in a g-string if they took a picture of you and put that in your police records.

Im sure your Prince will be coming to rescue you!Cant wait to hear what happen next!

(Hi Grass! I miss chatting with you! How are you and Gugu)

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Dick!

It can’t be anyone but Ed, that’s for sure.

Guess who the girl in purple dress is, lol. Yes, it’s me (*winks at you*)

Spring was here, but it went away temporarily –it’s freezing, raining and even snowing again-. I hope it comes back soon, like it did in Texel. ;)

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Hanny!

It’s not strange to get into trouble with Bob. And it’s not the first time I’m involved in a weird situation with him.
In Mawi-Mawi everybody has strange names (like Seymor Butts (the taxi driver) and Frank Furter(the receptionist)). I don’t dare make new acquaintaces in that country, lol.
Hopefully, the police just take close-up pictures of your face for the records, lol.
Yes, it has to be Ed the one to rescue me. More in the next instalment!

Take care.

Nick Sushkevich said...
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