SURREAL ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH SANDWICH ISLANDS

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Discussing sex track records

- Don’t gossip behind my back! – I begged in despair- Please, tell me what’s happening to me!

Ed sighed deep and smiled at me with infinite patience.

- The guy in the elevator blew some kind of amnesic powder on your face, so that you would forget your most recent memories. You’re now hexed and I’m making some arrangements for you to recover your memories. Then, you’ll be free to do as you please. At any rate, when you become Leni again, we need to talk.

“We need to talk” actually sounded more like “you better listen” and in my circumstances it was quite scary. I had some curiosity about my supposed relationship with him:

- We need to talk about what? -I asked-
- It’s a long story. You’re no longer the person I used to know now, so I’d rather talk about it when you get back to yourself, provided that the spell can be broken.

It was clear that to speak to me about our past in these circumstances, as if I had been struck by a mysterious disease that would have changed me into a different person, was cruelly distressing.

- You said before that we were a lot more than friends and a bit less than lovers. Did we ever …? –I asked-
- What? Had sex, perhaps? –he asked back-

I nodded.

- Yes, we’ve had. –he answered-
- And what was it like, if I may ask –I asked, evily-

Would he be the “bam-wham-and-thank-you-Sam” type? Or would he rather be the kind to send roses and play mandolins under windows? I was curious like a cat.

- I don’t know what it was like for you; for me it was… intoxicating passionate and extremely tender. –he said, smiling softly-

Contrary to what I expected, I concluded that he belonged to an endangered species: he had feelings! How wrong I had been to believe all my life that men lacked sensitivity except on the shaft of their dick, especially in their mature years.

I always thought that it's in the male nature to shag first and feel later, if they did feel anything at all; that sex comes easy and that most times, when a guy romances a woman, it’s just for a shag later on, and no-thing else.

And this one was talking to me about tenderness and passion.

I blushed to real red. How come my brain had missed what appeared to be such a wonderful experience?

My heart told me that he expected from me at least a short comment; a small detail about our relationship; the indulgence of a tiny memory. But I was completely unable to find a trace of him in my mind.

- Tell me something, Leni… You now know a lot about my past, but I don’t know much about yours. Let’s try a small memory effort. Tell me a secret… how many lovers have you had during your young life?

I gasped in amazement.

- Hey! It’s extremely unfair to take advantage of a poor amnesic woman to rummage through her past! -I complained-
- Just make a little effort. -he said-
- Ok, as far back as I can remember… I first had sex at college, when I was seventeen, with one of my classmates. When did you had sex for the first time?
- It's hard to tell... In my land and during my days it used to be very different. I was young and foolish. We still had the "droit du Seigneur" and I used it many times, though I’m not exactly proud of it.
- The "droit du Seigneur"? What’s that?
- Ius primae noctis. You’ve never heard of that, haven't you? Well, you’re not missing much. Forget it.

In the times of the feudal lords, the “droit du Seigneur”, "ius primae noctis", or most recently, "the lord's right", was an alleged legal right allowing the lord of an estate to take the virginity of the estate's virgins.

The origins of this barbaric pagan tradition are blurred, but it reached its peak in the Middle Ages, where it spread all over Europe, including Burdishland, paradoxically known as the cradle of the civilised world. Legend tells that in the 16th century, ius primae noctis was replaced with a bridal tax in Scotland. On the other hand, as late as the early 20th century, Kurdish chieftains in Western Armenia still reserved the right to bed Armenian brides on their wedding night.

- Enough about me. Tell me what happened then. –he asked-

Then I whispered to myself, looking down and slowly counting on my fingers:

- Then I had Paul… Martin… Steve… John… Neil… Pete… Dave… Bob… and another one whose name and face I can’t remember.

That triggered his quiet fear and inner anger.

- I’m not surprised that you’ve had such a nice track record, Miss Shagsalot; just to look at yourself. I presume I’m the one whose name and face you can’t remember. –he said, sharply-
- I don’t do it on purpose.
- That’s a good thing! You never cease to amaze me Leni. How can you possibly remember so well all these dorks that never meant anything to you but cannot remember me?

He had probably had a gazillion young maids by using that notorious ius primae noctis privilege, and yet he was jealous like hell and possessive as a viper when it came to talk about my past suitors! His irrational self was quietly screaming pain and anger.

But he asked for that. I tried to re-enact in my mind the map of all my past relationships. I could see a bunch of faces, names, occasional dates, boyfriends, love affairs, one-night stands… but he was not among them!

- Who are you? –I asked, staring into his eyes-
- Oh, come on. –he answered, unwillingly-
- My memories of you are deleted. I want to know who are you.



"Who are you?" (The Who) ((I know, too predictable, but this track is still great. ))

Illustrations:
First picture: "Gossip" by Ray Caesar
Second picture: "Amnesia". Photomontage by visual artist Jennifer K. Mulcahy
http://www.jenniferkmulcahy.com.

21 comments:

Jimmy Bastard said...

Sublime in the way you weave and curl your way through subjects as the still lingering "ius primae noctis".
A subject that continues to rise hatred amongst the Scots when they are confronted with the English.

Seductive, and full of thought, just like the author.

Gorilla Bananas said...

He didn't know what was like for you and now he might never know. Perhaps he should have said that you moaned and writhed in ecstasy (or apparent ecstasy if you were faking it). That might have rekindled your memory.

max said...

Leni, you and Ed are two of a kind. As far back as I remember, you're very jealous too, aren't you?

I can't wait to see what happens when you recover your memory!

PS.- Cool song!!!

sage said...

Ms. Shagalot, lol

More interesting twist... I like the Who, great song.

Leni Qinan said...

Dear Jimmy,

You spoil me with your gentle comments! I like to bring some concepts –of whatever kind-
to the story, to confirm that this is about the struggle between good and evil. For those who believe, there’s Heaven (up) and Hell (down). For those who don’t, the good and the evil are present in this planet in the souls of the people. “Ius primae noctis” is just an example of how evil and selfish could men be towards women and towards their fellow men.

I will take this beautiful thistle of yours in the shape of a comment, and avoid all confrontations…

Leni Qinan said...

Mr Bananas,

Uh oh, you’re wrong sir, he hasn’t lost his memories and he knows very well what it was like for me!

But his manly ego only wanted to hear it from my lips! But yes, he heard me moan and felt me writhe in ecstasy (real ecstasy: I never fake), because his fate is linked to mine, as you will be able to check out soon.

Leni Qinan said...

Max,

Yes, I’m jealous but I try not to show it. Ed sometimes finds it hard to control these kind of emotions; some other times he’s too disciplined and doesn’t tell what he feels. This is the way Burdish people are.

The sorcerer is about to start his performance, so I guess memories will be back very soon.

I’m glad you liked the song!

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Sage!

I reckon it’s evil to tell a jealous guy about my track record, but he was curious and you know what they say… curiosity killed the cat.

I like The Who (I discovered them when I was a kid and saw “Tommy” and “Quadrophenia” and now I’m glad to hear this song every now and then at CSI Las Vegas!). Good rock never dies.

Cubby said...

Leni, the way you write nearly always gets me thinking.
I reckon there's a bit more to this than meets the eye though, isn't there. If you have a man who is all soppy in love and caring all the time, you'd get bored with that before too long.
Sometimes don't you just want a man who is a man, with no complicated emotions - just simple straightforward desire.

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Cubby!

Do you mean I should look for one of those who lack sensitivity except on the shaft of their dick? LOL.

Seriously, I think there are interesting men who are something between being all soppy with emotions and just wanting a good shag. That would be the ideal starting point, in my opinion. But a good balance is always hard to reach.

Take care!

Grass said...

In Brazil, a guy can get a job of devirginizing, well, virgins and gets paid a lot. Weird stuff (taboo to us) like that happen in some countries. ;)

Ms. Shagalot? hehe I wouldn't want to be called that, nobody probably would if he knows the power of my wrath but Ed is ridiculous. LOL Jealousy indeed makes a person silly.

I'm curious, why would Mr. Ruud erase your memories of Ed and not of others? He and Ed must have something nasty going between them even before you came to his life or before you came to the island. Or was Ruud his old enemy, I forgot his name, back in the old times? The one who kidnapped you? Hmmm...



xxxx

Cubby said...

I enjoyed your turn of phrase there re the sensitivity. I know you are right - find a balance. In horse training there is this saying, 'Don't take the horse out of the horse'. I reckon there could be another saying too, 'Don't take the man out of the man'.

Leni Qinan said...

WOW Grassy, some people have really weird jobs, don't they? And really, it's all in their minds because a good shag is more enjoyable when you're experienced, hahahah. It's morbid, indeed.

Well, you're getting to know Ed: he's a wonderful guy but, hey, don't give him a reason or play with his feelings because the green eyed monster will eat him from the inside.

Well, there is a reason to everything, sis, and you'll soon know why Ruud erased my memories of Ed. He's one of the bad guys, like Jimmy Moon (remember him? the one that burned Ed's company's building, kidnapped me and nearly killed him). It's always this fight between good and evil... wait and see.

Big hug!

Leni Qinan said...

Hi again, Cubby!

I guess balance is the secret to most good things, though it's hard to find.

Men are made of instincts and feelings, among many other things.

Many women seem to forget that men can also feel, pain, cry, laugh and have a wide variety of emotions. My experience tells me that mature guys have the wisdom to show these emotions when necessary and make a good mixture with their instincts. But that is a privilege of age...

I like this, 'Don't take the man out of the man'. If only men would know that showing their emotions and feelings doesn't make them look weak!

Take care!

Skeeter said...

Hi Leni,

Miss Shagsalot is very funny. Excellent story with an interesting delivery. Well done.

Best wishes,

Skeeter

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Skeeter!

I deserve this funny name for telling him about my track record. That's not nice, especially if it rises a jealousy storm!

Best wishes!

Jennifer K. Mulcahy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leni Qinan said...

Hi Jennifer! Done! I also added your website after the reference to your picture at the end of the post. Congratulations for your wonderful works!

Jennifer K. Mulcahy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dick said...

Oh my, so many new stories I can't keep up, sorry for that.
Hope to read one or two next week.

Leni Qinan said...

Don't worry Dick, te next chapter of Ed and Leni is coming up tomorrow and will be here for the whole week!

Take care!